To disinvite my family to my wedding

[ThatPeachLion]

This is a long one. And I am changing some details to make it less identifiable.

I preface this with my dad passing away when I was young.

Unfortunately I have a very up and down relationship with the rest of my family- that as I get older and I have gone through extensive therapy - have realised that large parts of my relationship with my family is dysfunctional at best and abusive at worst. For example I'm the butt of criticism and cruel jokes. I'm the only one in my family to get a degree and have a professional job. This has been mocked by my family. Lots of very unkind things have been said to me over the years that are "jokes" or been in response to me standing up for my self.

I have received insults , character assassinations and them being incredibly angry towards me. To the point that over the years I've distanced my self and kept them very at arms length.
My family live closely. They don't have many people other than each other. I have a lot of friends and a wide support network other than family. I also moved very far away to be away . ( Other side of the country )
I'm lucky to have the people I do.
Forward to my wedding it's next month, and my family have been the issue the whole way.
Comments about the venue.
Comments about my figure .
Asking me to buy their outfits/pay for their treatment and hair / give roles to children/ hand invites to people I have no relationship with Ie my siblings spouse of the month that they are no longer with.

I asked my mum to come to a final fitting in some semblance of trying to make some positive memories and my mum commented that she could see my poochy tummy and bits . Everyone else stared at her and said I looked lovely. It's been an issue that ive taken bridesmaids to things over them.
The final straw is my mum saying she may not attend the wedding as she may be too unwell but she doesn't know. If she can come she'll get her partner to drive to the church to watch through the car window if she can manage it.
My sibling having an unhinged rant when I placed a boundary about my child that has very little to do with them which resulted in demanding I hand them money for the wedding dress purchased by my dad's money which was stipulated for that purpose.
My sibling have stated they won't attend the wedding or sten parties multiple times and left wattsapp groups demanding money for accomodation that had been pre paid when ever I have said no to requests for random people to be invited or for me to purchase them something.
All I wanted was a normal supportive family that would cheer me on but it's been miserable and I dont know if I even want them their.
But I constantly doubt my self and think that I must be at fault for them to treat me like this.
Sorry about the essay. I'm feeling really vulnerable. What should I do ?

You're under no obligation to have a relationship with people who treat you like shit just because you happen to be related to them. Just tell them all not to come. They sound awful and very entitled. Don't let them ruin your special day with their nasty comments. I'd cut contact with them all completely if I were you.

I empathise. my siblings are awful people. I pre-empted this and eloped to Gretna without telling anyone apart from 4 close witnesses. Then had a bbq at home to celebrate.
I was still widely slagged off/mocked but no-one could ruin my day.
Just calmly uninvite them, step away from their crap and drama and focus on yourself with the people who genuinely love you.
Going forward, read the stately homes thread. theres so many links and suggestions that can help you move away from your toxic family

Just tell them all to F off, and have a lovely day without them.

To add growing up I was my mum's therapist as was burdened with my mum's problems and told things that as a child I should have never been told. My siblings were babied to the point of spoiling and now as adults 1 is mind blowing angry. They are abusive to my parent aswell- this accepted because they have a tough life. I had to have a job from 11 to buy my own clothes and pay for my own stuff.
My siblings didn't and now as adults are very selfish people. I'm just worn down by it all.

I'm sorry OP. It sounds like you've done your best to maintain a one sided relationship. There is no way I'd have them at my wedding - whether you tell them the date has been changed or have someone turn them away from the venue is up to you.
I hope you make the choice to remove them from your life and go forward cultivating relationships that are healthy and positive.

I'd be tempted to cancel my wedding tbh, and just elope and have a lovely wedding with two witnesses. A few days after invite the ones that really matter to you to a lovely dinner.

This. Brilliant idea.

I disagree with posts saying 'cancel it and have a quiet wedding' because OP says she has plenty of friends and support and with them it'd be a good day. Just not with the awful family members.

This nails it for me, exactly what I was thinking.

But then I guess the flip side is why should you miss out on the wedding you want because of them.

If you do uninvite them (and I think you should) then speak to your venue. You certainly will not be the first to have issues like this and they can help deal with such things. Even if it costs a bit to have door staff etc on hand in case they turn up to cause a fuss.

Then....NC. I almost never say this because often it is thrown out as a "oh cut them off" answer like "LTB" like its easy. It isnt the easy option, but sometimes it really is all you are left with and in your case, I think that that is the case.

Congratulations on your wedding @ThatPeachLion . This is your day to celebrate and remember - so spend it with those who matter to you most and who will rejoice in your happiness. Ditch the naysayers who throw spanners in the works and look forward to a very bright future without them x

If I were you, I wouldn’t want them there. As an earlier poster has noted, they now know the details so could still attempt to gatecrash. Extra security at the venue would be a prudent precaution.

You poor thing. First of all congrats on your engagement. I would stop telling then anything, I think engaging in their drama is lighting fuel to the fire and they are enjoying it. Regarding your mother if she stsrts that rubbish about her being unwell and watching from a car, just say, "that's fine mom. I'll let you handle that if you feel you need to do that." I've a feeling she'll stop her drama quickly once the attention on her stops.

Regarding your grabby sibling, don't reply to anything mentioning money ect. I strongly suspect they want to cause stress for you. Don't give them money or pay for anything. They will soon get the message and if they don't turn up. Kindly op, they weren't worth the thought.

Don't tell them anything or ask opinions from them. Although I had nothing near any of your issues with your family. I made the mistake of asking people what they thought of things and I was shot down, told some of my choices weren't nice ect. I learnt quickly from good friends that you don't tell people the info unless you are telling them: this is the plan and that's it.

Finally this is you and your oh's big day. Enjoy it. Ignore the noise. You are committing to the person who you chose to love and they love you. I know family can hurt so deeply, but you are also starting a new chapter with your special person and you deserve it ❤️

Yanbu. Tell them to do one. Life is far too short to put up with this.

I wouldn’t uninvite them as this will just ramp up the drama and by the sounds of it they might come anyway and sabotage the whole thing.

I’d just go incredibly low contact, screen calls, just communicate by text and as briefly as possible “sorry that isn’t possible” then ignore, “all the details are on the invite”, in response to threats of not coming/ other mad behaviour “totally understand, thanks for letting me know.”

Don’t invite them to any more wedding/ hen stuff though, that’s just asking for trouble. And maybe nominate someone on the day to keep an eye on them if they start to create drama.

In your place I would tell them the wedding is cancelled and make up some reason to prevent them turning up.

Cut them off OP.
They are toxic.
You have wasted enough of your life accommodating them.

Your mother is nasty. Her comments are such a shocking reflection of her.

She doesn't wish you well.
She doesn't like you.

Accept that and move forward is my advice, you won't regret it.

If you continue to allow them to come they will ruin your wedding day and make it all about them. It sounds like they are looking for ways not to come anyway, so I would just pull the plug now. They are going to spoil it all for you. Only invite the guests that love you, and start your married life as you mean to go on.

Tell your closest friends the truth, they can step in and make sure your day is really special.

This won’t get any better op.
My mum did the same, ruined my confidence telling me I had ‘gained so much weight’ the night before my wedding and on the day turned in a bright red ball gown, and complained about everything all day. She added nothing but misery to my day.

@ThatPeachLion I could have written this myself! I told the staff at the venue to make sure they were turned away if they did show up. I know it's sad but you'll have a better day without them. My brother and sister made the run up to my wedding miserable.

My brother said he'll try and "pop by" and my sister refused to come after making endless ridiculous demands.

If these were your friends, you wouldn't let them treat you like this.

Have a wonderful day with all your loving friends and chosen family ❤️

As a PP has said. Tell them something along the lines of the wedding is off/having to be rearranged, more information to follow. Then enjoy your wedding If you have a good support network do you really need your awful family in your life? Perhaps it is worth examining why you feel the need to maintain a relationship with them.

You can either disinvite them and as suggested line up some folk to deal with them if they turn up.

Or just grey rock them. This is the time and place. Put them all on a table together at the back of the room so the table can be removed/altered/ignored.

They sound very stressful. If it would make you happier not having them there, then please do tell them to fuck off.

I think it will be easier for you to still have them come. Uninviting them will bring more hassle your way.

but you can still ‘drop the rope’. Stop replying to messages. Stop seeing them. Be busy. On the day focus on your partner and friends. If your awful family approach you ‘smile and nod and walk away’

they are unlikely to act too badly at the wedding as others will see.

then afterwards ditch them all

First of all congratulations on your forthcoming marriage OP.

My now DH uninvited my DF and his wife/my SM from our wedding after antics similar to the OPs family, to the point I almost cancelled our wedding. The idea of eloping to escape the drama was very tempting to me but DH wouldn't hear of it. I wrote a long letter to DF and SM, pages and pages about the issues, but DH tore it up and told me not to engage, instead he wrote a 2 line email retracting HIS invitation to them to HIS wedding that HE was paying for. And DH was right, it wasn't just my wedding day it was his too, the invitation was from both of us not just me.

DF reacted by threatening to turn up anyway and march me down the aisle, and threatened to start a fight with my uncles (DM's brothers, who are mostly lawyers and have probably never been in a fight their entire lives). DH replied that there would be plenty of men there acting as ushers who would be watching out for them and make sure that didn't happen, and who would sling them out if they dared show their faces. DH also told DF that if there was any attempt to disrupt his wedding day he would sue them for costs. We didn't hear a single peep out of them from that point on and they didn't turn up.

So, my advice is talk this over with your STBDH. They may be 'your' family but this is your DH's wedding day too, your family don't get to drive a truck through his special day. Marriage is about teamwork and this is one of those times you need him on side and to stand beside you and stick up for you because right now you can't quite do it for yourself. Your family are used to being nasty to you and that is very unlikely to change, and you are dealing with all the emotional baggage that goes with that. But your DH is another matter, he can be impartial and assertive, he doesn't have all that history with these people so they'll have a hard time making him feel 'bad'. He can rescind his invitation, and then if there is any blowback he can tell them the ushers will make sure there are no theatrics and that if they choose to disrupt his wedding day he will take legal action to recover his costs.

@herownworstenemy

Perfect solution

@herownworstenemy absolutely perfect solution.
Quite perfect.

That's how its sorted, and gift DH with no further contact with your family.

Good post from @herownworstenemy
If that doesn't work,
They sound like they are always looking for ways to take offense and blame/guilt trip you.
It probably wouldn't be too hard to offend them so that they decide to demonstrate their displeasure by all boycotting the wedding. Which would be a great result.