TA questioning my 8 year old on home life

[Coffeecakelatte]

My daughter is ND, and gets interventions to help her regulate her emotions and anxiety in school, and recognise social cues, not get too overwhelmed, and to build resilience etc.

She came home from school and said that the teaching assistant working with her has asked about her home life, what do her parents do if she makes a mistake etc. She told me the chats are private and wouldn’t really tell me anything else, which is again fine, she has a right to privacy. DD’s attention span is short when she is engaging in an activity she isn’t overly interested in, so it is common for her not to remember much as well.
We have had to make a couple of complaints about dd’s MH safeguarding in school, due to some of the methods used/not used by a member of staff (think reducing her to tears for showing ND inattentive behaviours that she cannot help), and not following CYPS teaching recommendations/techniques to engage attention etc. I don’t want to go into any more detail in case it is too identifying, I will say that the incident is very close to the TA questioning dd.

We have nothing to hide, so involving our home life into dd’s interventions is absolutely fine, but I am not quite sure what it will achieve if we aren’t receiving any feedback. Is this maybe a technique as part of the excercise, I am a little confused as to how this will help? Surely it would be more productive if school spoke to us, to get on the same page, and let us know when if there are things we can do at home to better help than what we are already doing?

They will be gathering info on the best way to help and giving your daughter a sense of control in how she is treated

Maybe the TA is trying to build up a rapport with your daughter and get to know her better. I'm a primary school teacher and sometimes I'll chat to the kids, Have you any siblings? What does your mum do? etc. It's just making conversation, nothing sinister. I tell the class about my kids and husband too. They love hearing about their antics and that their teacher doesn't actually live in the school but has a family etc.

Does it mean that they think there is something wrong at home? I’m still a bit lost on how we can be on the same page as school, if there is no communication.

Thank you, that sounds lovely. TA, and dd have been working together for a long time, she loves her, and they have a great relationship. The question was more what her parents do when she makes mistakes, what our reaction is toward her.

Think of it another way. If there was something 'wrong' at home and the teachers told you they were going to ask your DD about her home life, you'd have chance to tell DD 'don't tell the teacher this or else..' etc.

It's good they're trying to build a bigger picture of your DDs life, although I understand it probably feels intrusive.

It's also difficult to say how the teacher was asking. Maybe it was just conversation.

So what is your reaction? And is that what your daughter will also have said or is she likely to say something different?

If your child is having a specific intervention for anxiety or anger sometimes that can involve talking about things that happen at home. Not in a sinister way, just part of the overall picture to help the child. I do these interventions and the conversation is totally private between me and the child. If they disclosed something genuinely concerning obviously I'd follow the safeguarding policy and report it appropriately but that's not the purpose of these conversations during an intervention at all.

I'm sometimes surprised at the amount of interference/control the state (schools, LA) have within families. However, I see many other parents on threads like this in support of this so it tells me many many families need support to parent well. @Coffeecakelatte that's of no help to you sorry, just something that surprises me but seems acceptable to many. I hope you're able to get some answers maybe speak to the class teacher? Perhaps there's an intervention you've not yet been told about?

I don’t think it means you are doing anything wrong I think they will be trying to find out what works for your daughter, they could ask you but if they ask your day directly they can make an agreement together that they can refer back to in the future.

Yes, you are right, and I think that is really important. Is this a common technique for ND children? Should there not have been some feedback after these sessions, or would they only get in touch if they feel there is something they feel the parent is not doing? I didn’t realise TA would ask questions like this, and have always thought it was more CYPS territory. I’m by no means perfect, but if there is something I am doing wrong I want them to tell me so that I can improve. My other dcs are NT, so here are very much two different parenting styles. I have visual timetables for dd, and I’m forever researching how to build her confidence.

I think they're probably just trying to gather information on what "works" for your child. What strategies you put in and how they make her feel so they can replicate/adapt to help her in other situations. After all, you've had 8 years of trial and error to work out how to best support her and they're probably trying to tap into those skills.

Suspect as others have said that it’s to gain a full picture of her life. It’ll also help if the school needs to liaise with you - maybe they’ll tap into your techniques at home, or find ones that work even better and can then share them.

All good intentions from the TA, I imagine.

We are very encouraging with dd about making mistakes, it is all part of learning. I often tell her about all of my mistakes and we will have a good laugh about them, then I will tell her that I’m pleased I made those, as they have helped me learn. We also read a couple of recommended books too.

No, but it also makes it easier for your DD to tell them if there is something wrong at home or in class at some point. Which is a good thing.

It is probably so that the TA can be consistent with the same approach that you use at home.

Has she misunderstood the TA saying “these chats are private and I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me too” (pending safeguarding issues) type messaging for “these chats are private and you cannot tell anyone”.

My daughter is ASD and similar interventions. It’s normally just to create a what helps / what does not help situation.

When I was teaching (primary) we celebrated our mistakes. I always told the children that mistakes were good because it meant they were trying something they didn't know yet.
If they never make a mistake they aren't learning anything new.

@Ritzybitzy

That makes sense, she may have done. It is useful to know that you have experienced similar. It made me feel like what on earth are they thinking goes on in our house! DD told them that dh flys around in an captain America costume last year, they’ll have quite the picture 😂

Prepare yourself for the subtle difficulties, my daughter has had many confusing and upsetting encounters for her as a result.

My advice - build a relationship with those supporting her so you can be one step ahead.

@Ritzybitzy

I appreciate your advice. Is that in terms of possible implications arising from child miscommunication with school? I am so sorry for your daughter, I think the world can be a very confusing place for any child, let a lone a ND one.
The TA is great, and dd has really taken to her, so that is good at least. Dh was worried that because we had so recently pointed out another teacher’s safeguarding fail with dd’s MH in school (which was very serious and devastated dd), that they are looking for a one at home. I honestly think that we are just overthinking it all. Most of the staff are great, and we are very grateful for the support, I understand what huge pressure they’re under as well.

Partly yes - weirdly the school was a bit cagey with us until I started reaching out with things she had misunderstood and when they saw the difficulties the relationship completely shifted. It’s been really key in making sure she can access learning and build relationships. And helps the adults understand her. And they knew it was coming from her because they weren’t incidents I was privy too. An obvious example is she kept refusing to go to assembly. After a lot of discussion we established it was because the head kept telling kids off for not listening and she couldn’t listen because of sensory overwhelm. I tried to explain it’s not really about kids not listening it’s about kids distracting others. But of course I’m wrong because that isn’t what they said. So I took it to the school and they addressed it.

Also be grateful but also advocate for your child. She deserves equity. She doesn’t have to be grateful and neither should you be.

How old is your DC? I (not my child) have been asked about home interventions and what has worked in specific situations that may be being encountered in the classroom where techniques are not working. Never my child. This would be are hard ask for an NT child, for an ND experiencing overwhelm or having a meltdown that level of self awareness of what would help in the moment is nigh on impossible. And puts responsibility on the child to correctly identify need and articulate what is needed to meet it.

And also pointless - mum hugs and kisses me and tells me that she loves me - mum tells me calming stories about me as a baby and tells me how important I am and how much I have learned and how kind I am to siblings, pets etc. They can't genuinely replicate that. They can use information that you shout and lock your child in the cupboard under the stairs.

Call me cynical but I suspect the school can't easily resolve issues and want to pin the blame on home so they don't have to commit resources.

For context, my son's primary school reported me to SS. We had a visit. SS said there was clearly no home issue. This was a school issue. And then said this was a common tactic of schools and prevented them doing their job.

I doubt it will be anything safeguarding related. Those sorts of conversations will be left to the safeguarding team which usually consists of teachers (often senior ones), not TAs. It’s more likely she was trying to build a relationship.

I suspect you are overthinking and being too generous.

You have made complaints about staff at the school not recognising her needs , reducing her tears unnecessarily with impact on her mental health. They won't take this lightly.

The school is fighting back and questioning your daughter to gain evidence that you do the same. Suggesting that you do this when she makes mistakes and this is the root of her anxiety.

Ie parental/home issue rather than an ND issue.

Dh thinks the same. Dd has had a ND diagnosis so they aren't arguing that, they can't. Dh thinks they're trying to put it back on us as you say, to safeguard their own failings. We have been more than reasonable with the school, if anything a lot softer than a lot of parents may have been. Going forward we will continually endeavour to work with them, to get the best possible outcome for dd. I think they're due an Ofsted visit which probably won't be helping.