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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Agreed for acquaintance to stay then he disappeared! Twice!

33 replies

BuyAllTheThings · 21/02/2025 07:38

I’m lucky to live in London in a good location to an event for my hobby. I have made many friends and acquaintances due to my hobby and I see them every few months at events. It’s also very social so lots of pub and meal trips after the event so we chat a lot.

I made a good friend Bob who lived far away and would often stay at mine for the weekend during an event. One night in the pub we were planning the next event and my friend was going to stay again. Another acquaintance, Mike, who was nearby joined in and asked (very nicely) if I had any room at mine to stay as well because he was very short on cash and would likely need to miss the next event due to hotel expenses. I didn’t know him that well but said it was ok but i only had a sofa to sleep on as Bob was in the bed. He was so appreciative and said he didn’t mind the sofa at all. All great. We agreed both of them would arrive at mine Friday night. Event Saturday. Sleep at mine Saturday. Event Sunday. Bob would be driving home Sunday night. Mike would stay until Monday morning. All sorted. Perfect.

Friday arrived and I’d given Mike my address and directions. I would meet him at the tube station. He text to say he was stop away. Was waiting at the station and he didn’t appear. Rang and text him, no reply. 20 mins later he texts to say he got off at the wrong stop but would be there soon. He arrived another 20 mins later. Bit weird but ok.

Got to mine, had pizza and a chat, went to bed. All up at 6am for event. Event went well. When it was time to go home Mike said he was going to stay a bit longer. I said no problem, but Bob and I wanted to be asleep by midnight as it was another 6am start. And I didn’t have a spare key to give him and I wasn’t leaving one hidden outside. He said absolutely fine he would only be an hour or so behind us.

At home it got to 11.30pm and I text Mike to a ask if he was on the way back. The message didn’t deliver. I rang and left a voicemail reminding him that we needed to go to sleep soon. At 12.30am we just went to sleep. I was so worried he’d either be stuck outside or would be banging on the door (flats so other people might get woken!) at stupid o clock!

In the morning there was still nothing from him. Bob and I went to the event and on the way Mike text full of apologies that he fell asleep in a friends hotel room and his battery had died. I was a bit irritated but thought well these things can happen and he likely met a lady. Anyway he said don’t worry I won’t be going to the pub tonight so I’ll be coming straight back. He said he’d be at mine by 7pm latest. I was finished at the event by lunch time so said I’d head home and see Bob off and see him later. All good.

Would you fucking believe it 7pm came and went. Text Mike at 8pm, phone off. I never heard from him again that night. But yet again I was awake until 11pm waiting to see if he’d turn up! And i was so tired. I text him in the morning asking what he wanted me to do with his bag of stuff. Just clothes and basic toiletries (he ended up wearing the same clothes for the entire weekend as he left his spare ones at my house!). He never replied. He’s fine. I saw photos on Facebook of him in the pub. I messaged him saying I would bring the bag to the next event. Then blocked him on everything.

Since then he’s backed out of most social events. I saw him once to give his bag back and he just said thanks and walked off. I’ve heard from other friends that he told them his phone died again and he ended up going to the pub so couldn’t let me know and he feels really bad. But I just don’t care quite honestly. We have at least 30+ mutual friends on Facebook. He could easily have asked someone to message me via Facebook if needed if the phone battery story was true. AIBU to just not bother talking to him anymore and keeping him blocked?

I do find it so weird that someone who seemed so normal for a couple of years just went so bloody weird over the space of one weekend. And now it seems like he’s just disappeared. He still does the hobby and goes to events, but just doesn’t come out with any of our group anymore. At first people were saying they’d heard rumours we had an argument! But once I told them what happened they believed me at least. So very very odd.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 09:43

I think you and Mike just had very different ideas about what staying at your place was going to mean.

He obviously just literally wanted to crash on your sofa as a base and nothing more while he spent the weekend drinking and socialising, and hadn’t really factored in that you’d be waiting up for him and wanting to know where he was. I don’t think he’d considered the issue with keys etc and probably wasn’t expecting you to be calling him wanting to know where he was etc.

Obviously he’s one of those people who has a couple of drinks and then ends up spontaneously staying out - which was annoying for you, of course, because he didn’t have a key. But I don’t think there’s anything ‘weird’ or mysterious about it.

BuyAllTheThings · 21/02/2025 10:05

ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 09:43

I think you and Mike just had very different ideas about what staying at your place was going to mean.

He obviously just literally wanted to crash on your sofa as a base and nothing more while he spent the weekend drinking and socialising, and hadn’t really factored in that you’d be waiting up for him and wanting to know where he was. I don’t think he’d considered the issue with keys etc and probably wasn’t expecting you to be calling him wanting to know where he was etc.

Obviously he’s one of those people who has a couple of drinks and then ends up spontaneously staying out - which was annoying for you, of course, because he didn’t have a key. But I don’t think there’s anything ‘weird’ or mysterious about it.

The thing is I couldn’t care less if someone stays or doesn’t stay. But if someone asks for a place to stay then yes I expect them to tell me if they’re coming back or not. It’s not hard. We spoke before leaving the event the first day that me and Bob were heading back, we were going to bed by midnight. He reassured that “oh no no don’t worry I won’t be long!” Plus I let it go the first night. He was so apologetic on the Sunday and I said it’s fine these things happen. But to then leave me waiting there the next night I think was rude. HE was the one on Sunday telling me he’d DEFINITELY be back at mine by 7pm. If he’d have said sorry look I think I’m gonna stay out I wouldn’t care. In fact I would have had a nice evening to relax by myself. Because at what point do you assume they’re not coming when you have all their things in your house? 9pm? 10pm? 2am? The next day? Should I have just shrugged at midnight the first night and gone to bed? Then have him waking up the entire block of flats at 12.20?

I’m sorry but I do think it’s weird to turn up at someone’s house with an overnight bag and then just never go back and get it or send a message.

OP posts:
graceinspace999 · 21/02/2025 10:18

Judging by this behaviour I think he has an alcohol problem.

I’d keep my distance if I were you. Don’t bother trying to figure him out just believe that for him alcohol comes before everyone and everything.

StumbleInTheDebris · 21/02/2025 10:23

I'd be bloody annoyed too but I think the first response is right. Just try and forget it and don't get involved with offering a place to stay again!

Some people don't realise they're putting people out with being let in/wanting to know if someone's actually in or going to be in your house. He's just thinking of himself!

mindutopia · 21/02/2025 10:28

I think Mike probably has issues drinking sensibly in these situations. I would not have waited up for him either night though.

Peripop · 21/02/2025 11:29

I've known a few people do these weird about turns and drugs or alcohol were at the bottom of it. I suspect he's a person who can't drink sensibly as said upthread.

ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 11:31

BuyAllTheThings · 21/02/2025 10:05

The thing is I couldn’t care less if someone stays or doesn’t stay. But if someone asks for a place to stay then yes I expect them to tell me if they’re coming back or not. It’s not hard. We spoke before leaving the event the first day that me and Bob were heading back, we were going to bed by midnight. He reassured that “oh no no don’t worry I won’t be long!” Plus I let it go the first night. He was so apologetic on the Sunday and I said it’s fine these things happen. But to then leave me waiting there the next night I think was rude. HE was the one on Sunday telling me he’d DEFINITELY be back at mine by 7pm. If he’d have said sorry look I think I’m gonna stay out I wouldn’t care. In fact I would have had a nice evening to relax by myself. Because at what point do you assume they’re not coming when you have all their things in your house? 9pm? 10pm? 2am? The next day? Should I have just shrugged at midnight the first night and gone to bed? Then have him waking up the entire block of flats at 12.20?

I’m sorry but I do think it’s weird to turn up at someone’s house with an overnight bag and then just never go back and get it or send a message.

I’m not defending him. I can see why his behaviour was a pain in the arse. I just don’t think any of this is any deeper than ‘acquaintance thought crashing at a flat meant he could come and go as he pleased, host felt differently because of issues with keys etc’. I get why it was annoying, I’m just not sure why it warrants any further analysis than that.

BuyAllTheThings · 21/02/2025 11:39

ItGhoul · 21/02/2025 11:31

I’m not defending him. I can see why his behaviour was a pain in the arse. I just don’t think any of this is any deeper than ‘acquaintance thought crashing at a flat meant he could come and go as he pleased, host felt differently because of issues with keys etc’. I get why it was annoying, I’m just not sure why it warrants any further analysis than that.

Yeah fair enough you’re probably right. I guess I’ve just never come across anyone do something like that so it was all a bit strange. And I think what other people are saying might be correct. He may well have drinking issues. I wonder if when he text to say “one stop away” he actually got off early and found a pub or something.
Ah well. I’ll never know! At least I don’t really see him anymore anyway so I will let it go! But I’ve definitely learned my lesson about offering anyone other than close friends somewhere to stay!

OP posts:
JanesLaundryAgain · 21/02/2025 11:52

Was waiting at the station and he didn’t appear. Rang and text him, no reply. 20 mins later he texts to say he got off at the wrong stop but would be there soon. He arrived another 20 mins later. Bit weird but ok.
TBH you lost me at this. Surely anyone who uses the tube regularly knows there is no signal in the tube stations so no reply would be obvious. And there's nothing weird about someone getting off at the wrong stop by accident. From here on in it reads as if you were looking to be annoyed by him. And you've used the word "weird" so many times when there's nothing weird about this. Just plain inconsiderate behaviour. He probably pulled and spent the night at a girl's place and doesn't want to admit it to Miss Everyone's Weird For Breathing.

BuyAllTheThings · 21/02/2025 12:03

JanesLaundryAgain · 21/02/2025 11:52

Was waiting at the station and he didn’t appear. Rang and text him, no reply. 20 mins later he texts to say he got off at the wrong stop but would be there soon. He arrived another 20 mins later. Bit weird but ok.
TBH you lost me at this. Surely anyone who uses the tube regularly knows there is no signal in the tube stations so no reply would be obvious. And there's nothing weird about someone getting off at the wrong stop by accident. From here on in it reads as if you were looking to be annoyed by him. And you've used the word "weird" so many times when there's nothing weird about this. Just plain inconsiderate behaviour. He probably pulled and spent the night at a girl's place and doesn't want to admit it to Miss Everyone's Weird For Breathing.

Surely anyone who lives on most ends of lines realise they are often above ground. Where I live you are above ground for 12 stops before you get to mine after being underground. That’s how he managed to text me to tell me he was one so stop away.

Look I’m all for accepting that I need to just let it go. But being smug by thinking I’m an idiot for not realising the tube is underground when it’s actually not where I live makes you look stupid not me.

There’s also plenty weird about it taking 40 mins to go back a stop or two. Surely anyone who uses the tube regularly knows that they are every 3-5 mins most of the time.

OP posts:
Fins2025 · 22/02/2025 07:46

Sounds like drugs or alcohol or both. With maybe some ADHD thrown in for good measure. Don't give him any more headspace.

FarmGirl78 · 22/02/2025 08:07

Bit weird. He may be socially inept, extremely anxious, or had a bad weekend and life went a bit wonky for him over a couple of days. He might have a drink problem. You'll probably never know.

But why on earth did you block him? If he feels bad about messing you about them you've taken away his opportunity to contact you and explain. He might feel too self conscious to start talking face to face to explain at events now, especially if there's usually other people round. No wonder he doesn't socialise any more with you all - you've firmly built that barrier up between you and stopped what would have been a natural route to resolving this.

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 22/02/2025 08:18

He was rude to mess you about with arrival times

He has alcohol problem

If have blocked him too, you don’t need this drama.

He’s moved on from you and wider group as he’s embarrassed by his behaviour- he may have done other stuff

Namechangeforthis88 · 22/02/2025 08:24

I agree it's weird, I was thinking the exact same on how could it take 20 minutes to get the next train for one stop? Not sure how you'd get out at the wrong stop anyway.

He sounds rude and stupendously lacking in self awareness and thinking skills. You do get people who just waft along thinking everything will work out even as the consequences of their shit decisions rain down on them. I've got to say the most extreme cases I've encountered were in prison. Agree also his thinking skills and decision making quite possibly fly away at speed when alcohol is involved.

GoodVibesHere · 22/02/2025 08:30

To be honest I'm not convinced that it's sensible to let random Bob's and Mike's stay overnight in your flat.

BMW6 · 22/02/2025 08:30

He was lying about being 1 stop away, he was in a pub.

He's a alcy. He must have got quite smelly in the same clothes for 3 days........

DeepFatFried · 22/02/2025 08:37

JanesLaundryAgain · 21/02/2025 11:52

Was waiting at the station and he didn’t appear. Rang and text him, no reply. 20 mins later he texts to say he got off at the wrong stop but would be there soon. He arrived another 20 mins later. Bit weird but ok.
TBH you lost me at this. Surely anyone who uses the tube regularly knows there is no signal in the tube stations so no reply would be obvious. And there's nothing weird about someone getting off at the wrong stop by accident. From here on in it reads as if you were looking to be annoyed by him. And you've used the word "weird" so many times when there's nothing weird about this. Just plain inconsiderate behaviour. He probably pulled and spent the night at a girl's place and doesn't want to admit it to Miss Everyone's Weird For Breathing.

There is actually a signal on lots of lines when they are underground. WiFi.

And it doesn’t take 20 mins to pop between stops if you get off at the wrong one. 40 mins in fact because he was first 20 mins late before messaging and then took another 20 mins to arrive.

Namechangeforthis88 · 22/02/2025 08:39

BMW6 · 22/02/2025 08:30

He was lying about being 1 stop away, he was in a pub.

He's a alcy. He must have got quite smelly in the same clothes for 3 days........

They're not random. Op knows them through hobby.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:39

This is all very weird

not least saying yes to a man you barely knew to stay in the lounge of your small flat

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:39

Namechangeforthis88 · 22/02/2025 08:39

They're not random. Op knows them through hobby.

Barely

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:40

Mike basically admitted to being shit with money!

DeepFatFried · 22/02/2025 08:40

Is he gay?
In my younger days my gay visitor friends were always disappearing randomly for hook ups. Including stopping off on tube journeys for surprisingly short assignations.

But I am thinking alcohol. And still in a Young Ones vision of what crashing on people’s sofas mean.

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:41

You were going to be ALONE in your flat with a man you barely knew on Sunday night because bob had already left

Weird. How old are you op?

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:42

You have a husband Op according to another thread?

DorothyStorm · 22/02/2025 08:44

Othermentions · 22/02/2025 08:41

You were going to be ALONE in your flat with a man you barely knew on Sunday night because bob had already left

Weird. How old are you op?

This. I thought the same. Really poor boundaries.

I also assumed you were hid affair cover. Is he married?

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