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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird dynamic between DS and his dad. Should I worry?

2 replies

DarlingDay · 20/02/2025 19:21

My son is nearly 7. Separated from his dad when he was 3 months old due to years of abuse. He took me to court and they said no to contact until he showed meaningful change. 4 years later he did a perpetrator programme and that lead to immediate contact. DS initially reluctant to go, but has gradually turned into him idolising him, whilst at the same time displaying some quite unhealthy behaviours that I am not sure what to make of. He's extremely worried about what his dad thinks of him, will only wear plain clothes when the rest of the time he gravitates towards patterns and vibrancy, he flat out refuses to go to any events such as birthday parties when he's with his dad as he doesn't want his dad to 'see his friends'. He's told me his dad gets angry and has called him stupid, but is excited to see him. Its like he adores him but is highly anxious at the same time. He's been to one party with him where one of the other mums (my friend) said he was brilliant with him, and part of me thinks well of course he's going to be, he's surrounded by people. He's an abuser, he won't change. But on the other hand I just don't know. Has anyone any advice?

OP posts:
titchy · 20/02/2025 19:38

Yes worry. His dad has destroyed his self esteem. The reason he is desperate to see him is being he wants his dad to be proud of him - he's constantly seeking his approval. That's how he makes himself feel good. Except his dad will never say 'Ds you're an amazing kid that I am so proud of'. Limit contact. Boost his self esteem constantly. Encourage him to go beyond his comfort zone. And tell him how amazing he is. Sad

DarlingDay · 20/02/2025 19:48

titchy · 20/02/2025 19:38

Yes worry. His dad has destroyed his self esteem. The reason he is desperate to see him is being he wants his dad to be proud of him - he's constantly seeking his approval. That's how he makes himself feel good. Except his dad will never say 'Ds you're an amazing kid that I am so proud of'. Limit contact. Boost his self esteem constantly. Encourage him to go beyond his comfort zone. And tell him how amazing he is. Sad

He is amazing. I feel a bit broken to be honest. It sounds pathetic but it hurts when other people don't see it. What he's really like.

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