If your DP/DH is a SAHP…

Lalaland67 · 2025-02-20T17:59:00+00:00

What do your evenings look like? My DH is currently on parental leave, I’m working full time. I do 3 days at home. In my days at home I do try to log off on time but am finding if I log off at say 6pm I’m thrown straight into looking after DC, giving their dinner, bath times and putting them to bed. I do want to spend time with my DCs but really need 10 mins to decompress after work. DH has taken to creating elaborate evening meals which he seems to start prepping about the time I would have everyone eating, so he seems to think it’s alright for me to take over childcare. I would be happier with a quicker meal! I don’t want to start going to the office every day as I like spending time with the DCs but appreciate a bit of help too.

Hollowvoice · 20/02/2025 18:15

Could it be that the cooking time is his "time out"?

Ablondiebutagoody · 20/02/2025 18:22

Surely you should share the evening stuff 50:50?

mindutopia · 20/02/2025 18:23

Dh has never been a SAHP, but when I was home, he would come in, have a shower and then take over with dc for rest of the evening til bedtime. He’d take them out for a walk or to the playground or just play with them in the lounge or sit and watch tv with them (age dependent). I’d cook dinner starting then and yes, it would take probably an hour or more. Cooking was my downtime.

We’d all have dinner together. He’d do bathtime while I sat down for a bit and then once they were dressed ready for bed, I’d come up and take over for bedtime. When we had only the one, he’d come down and tidy up from dinner and usually finish up work for another hour or two. Once we had 2, he did bedtime with our older one and I took the youngest. Then downstairs to tidy up and finish work. His 10 minutes of downtime was the shower really.

Original poster

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 18:30

Well when I was on mat leave, DH would be out of the house from 7am until gone 8pm most days, so I did it all - and had dinner ready for us when he walked in. Maybe I’m feeling resentful because of that.

OP posts:

Acornsoup · 20/02/2025 18:51

Sounds very unbalanced OP. Time to talk to him about it before the resentment gets worse.

NImumconfused · 20/02/2025 19:06

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 18:30

Well when I was on mat leave, DH would be out of the house from 7am until gone 8pm most days, so I did it all - and had dinner ready for us when he walked in. Maybe I’m feeling resentful because of that.

Did he have to be out that long, or was there an element of staying at work until the coast was clear?

Inmydreams88 · 20/02/2025 19:18

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 18:30

Well when I was on mat leave, DH would be out of the house from 7am until gone 8pm most days, so I did it all - and had dinner ready for us when he walked in. Maybe I’m feeling resentful because of that.

I’m a sahp at the moment and my husband works from home. When he logs off he comes straight downstairs and plays with our baby whilst I get dinner ready. Then we eat, he does the dishes. I go up for a shower/bath and then we swap. We both usually bath our son together and I put him to bed. From 8pm then we both have our down time, I like to read and sometimes husband will go to the gym, then we usually watch an episode of tv together in bed.

I would not be happy if my husband said he needed time to chill after work, it just doesn’t happen with kids. Unless you take turns.

Needanewnameidea · 20/02/2025 19:21

How old are the kids? I’m a SAHM and I wouldn’t expect my DH to walk in the door and deal with the kids now they’re a bit older, but when I’d been home with a baby and a toddler then believe me I needed to decompress more than he did. He’d take 5 minutes to get changed, go to the loo and get a drink and that was it. I’d have been furious if he was out 13 hours a day at work, his job really didn’t require that.

That said I wouldn’t have been cooking elaborate meals at that stage and often dinner prep happened during nap time. Both of us prioritised maximising evening relaxation time so we both worked together to get kids in bed and chores done to reach that point.

cherish123 · 20/02/2025 19:29

Once you log off, have 10 mins alone time. Ask DH to bring you a coffee. You can't be expected to launch into looking after children as soon as you've finished work.

Original poster

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 19:40

No his job didn’t require that, he used to say he had too much work to do so had to stay late, but it was every single night for the 9 months I was off alone. I think that’s what is making me feel resentful. We’ve got a baby and a 3 year old.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 19:41

And yes during nap time I prepped meals, did cleaning etc. I’m still doing the cleaning and washing! I know DH is watching tv during nap times.

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TomatoSandwiches · 20/02/2025 19:43

So it's unequal, he needs to be told, he's taking the piss.

Achyarms · 20/02/2025 19:46

My husband gets 10 mins when he comes home to shower and get a drink then he helps.

on his work from home days he has natural breaks in the day and sometimes naps!!! So when he finishes he comes down to play or do bath time. I expect him to muck in. His relaxation time is after children’s bedtimes not before. I often give him the easier child to put to bed and i do the more complex bedtime

Needanewnameidea · 20/02/2025 19:48

cherish123 · 20/02/2025 19:29

Once you log off, have 10 mins alone time. Ask DH to bring you a coffee. You can't be expected to launch into looking after children as soon as you've finished work.

“Ask DH to bring you a coffee”

I’d have delivered that coffee minus a mug if DH had asked me to serve him drinks after I’d had a day at home looking after a baby and a toddler. A few minutes to get yourself sorted after work is reasonable, asking your spouse to look after you as well as continue looking after young children is taking the proverbial.

Achyarms · 20/02/2025 19:51

Needanewnameidea · 20/02/2025 19:48

“Ask DH to bring you a coffee”

I’d have delivered that coffee minus a mug if DH had asked me to serve him drinks after I’d had a day at home looking after a baby and a toddler. A few minutes to get yourself sorted after work is reasonable, asking your spouse to look after you as well as continue looking after young children is taking the proverbial.

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I would also be fuming if my husband expected me to bring him a coffee while I was juggling small children wtf

Inmydreams88 · 20/02/2025 19:57

cherish123 · 20/02/2025 19:29

Once you log off, have 10 mins alone time. Ask DH to bring you a coffee. You can't be expected to launch into looking after children as soon as you've finished work.

Bring her up a coffee? 🤣 oh dear god, if the sexes were reversed he’d get ripped to shreds for suggesting that. This is terrible advice. And yes you can be expected to be launched into childcare of your own children as soon as you’ve finished work.

xRobin · 20/02/2025 20:05

When you log off at 6pm, could DH give the children their dinner (or earlier?) so you can have 15-20 minutes downtime and then you can take over for the rest of the evening?

15-20 minutes is what it takes me to drive from work to pick my DD up from afterschool club and that’s enough for me to chill.
Then it’s me doing the dinners/swimming/Brownies/bedtime routine.
I cook and DP does the dishes and then I put DD to bed and then we both chill from 8pm for the rest of the evening x

RaspberryCombat · 20/02/2025 20:06

I’m a SAHM and my response is exactly the same as @Needanewnameidea Being at home with a baby and 3yo is brutal and he is NBU to want to have some time to decompress as soon as you’re able to relieve him. I know it’s hard on you too because you also want to wind down after work but I think at these ages his need is greater. My children are a little bit older now (youngest is 3) and I am more able to power through til bedtime by myself while H goes to the gym or takes his time.

couldabutdidnt · 20/02/2025 20:15

Agree with @RaspberryCombat that his need is greater. Those ages are full on. I also wouldn’t blame him for tv at naptimes - whatever it takes to get through the day was my motto.

Original poster

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 20:16

RaspberryCombat · 20/02/2025 20:06

I’m a SAHM and my response is exactly the same as @Needanewnameidea Being at home with a baby and 3yo is brutal and he is NBU to want to have some time to decompress as soon as you’re able to relieve him. I know it’s hard on you too because you also want to wind down after work but I think at these ages his need is greater. My children are a little bit older now (youngest is 3) and I am more able to power through til bedtime by myself while H goes to the gym or takes his time.

I know it’s brutal but I have just done 9 months of it completely single handed. I think I’m just nervous as sharing the parental leave isn’t going the way I thought, which was that DH would understand what it’s like with no help.

OP posts:

xRobin · 20/02/2025 20:25

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 20:16

I know it’s brutal but I have just done 9 months of it completely single handed. I think I’m just nervous as sharing the parental leave isn’t going the way I thought, which was that DH would understand what it’s like with no help.

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How long has he been doing the SAHP role?
Does he need more time to adjust?

Needanewnameidea · 20/02/2025 20:27

Lalaland67 · 20/02/2025 20:16

I know it’s brutal but I have just done 9 months of it completely single handed. I think I’m just nervous as sharing the parental leave isn’t going the way I thought, which was that DH would understand what it’s like with no help.

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I think the fact he’s basically done a very different job of being a SAHP himself than he expected of you, and expects far more support from the working parent than he gave you is the issue - my original post was before that became clear. I’d be having a very honest conversation about that with DH.