How much to divulge. TW: SA and self harm

[DMLady]

This is probably the wrong place for this as it’s more of a WWYD — inspired by another thread. Have also NC for this as it’s something I’m deeply ashamed about IRL.

When I was younger, I was sexually assaulted on a regular basis by a family ‘friend’. For reasons I can’t fathom now, I didn’t tell my parents.

Then, when I was in my teens, I was sexually assaulted once by a friend of a friend. Again, I didn’t tell my parents.

I thought I’d dealt with it but in my late teens, I had a breakdown and ended up self harming. My body is covered in scars — all very obviously self inflicted. I was hospitalised on various occasions and on a lot of medication.

This was all decades ago and I’m in a much happier place — both mentally and practically. I’m married, with DC. Working. On anti depressants but no other medication. Not under the care of the CMHT, and haven’t been for years.

My DC have never asked about my scars before, although I’ve never particularly tried to hide them at home — I mean, I don’t wear revealing clothes out ever, because I don’t want strangers (or even friends or family) to see my scars but DH has obviously seen them, and DC might come in my room when I’m dressing, say, or will sometimes come to talk to me when I’m in the bath.

Anyway, yesterday, DD, 12, suddenly asked about my scars. My DH happened to call her about something immediately afterwards so I didn’t get the chance to answer anyway — but I have no idea what to tell her. I try to be open and honest with her about things and answer any questions she might have — whatever the topic — but I just don’t know where to start with this. Do I wait for her to bring it up again? And how on earth do I broach the topic of self harm? I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done to my body but I also want to be honest with her.

Sorry this is so long. And please be kind…

such a difficult situation, sorry your dealing with that, your very brave and your child will grow to know how strong you are regardless.
i would recommend getting professional advice - you could contact aware the mental health organisation and ask them their advice.

I'm sorry you've been through all that. I don't think you should be ashamed of your scars, but I can understand why you are. They are a sign that you've had some really tough times but equally that you've come through it. As someone with MH issues, I know that takes guts and determination and courage. You should be proud of all the amazing things in your life you have achieved.

Re what to say to your daughter. I don't know, it's a tough one because at the age of 12 she might possibly already have come across the idea of self harm or know people who've done it. Maybe I'd start with a simple it's from a long time ago when I was unwell. And see how the conversation develops from there. But I do think you're right to want to be (appropriately) honest and not make it a subject that she feels she can't talk to you or ask about. But equally you want to make sure that she doesn't feel as if it's the 'default' way to deal with difficult feelings, and to know that there's other options and help out there if her or her friends ever feel like that.

Have you had a google to see if eg mind has any information on how to talk to children / teens about it?

"I was going through a difficult time and that was my way if coping. I've worked really hard to find ways to cope that dont involve harming myself and what I've learnt is that it's so important to talk to someone when things are difficult, even if we don't talk about the thing that's upsetting us. So if you have difficult thoughts or feelings, you can always come to me, even if you don't want to tell me the problem and I will.be here to take care of you."

If you can, I would broach it with her because you otherwise run the risk of it turning into something unspoken between you, which I don't think is ideal, and might lead to her hiding similar behaviour should she ever be tempted.

I think you could say that you had a hard time with your mental health when you were younger and in those days there wasn't as much support for young people who were struggling mentally, and that led you to cope in a way that didn't help and that you now know is unhealthy, self harming. You could say you learned better ways of coping such as counselling and talking to people you trust, and that meant you could stop self harming, that it was a long time ago and you've been happy and stable for a long time now. I'd tell her that if she is ever struggling with anything and feeling she can't cope, it's much better to confide in you and get the right kind of help, and that she can always come to you with anything.

Thank you so much for your replies, @MaryF1 , @noctilucentcloud , @PensionConfusion24 and @ServantsGonnaServe — you’ve all been really helpful and contacting Aware and Mind is definitely a good idea. I also really like the idea of making sure she knows there are (much better!) ways of dealing with feelings if she’s ever struggling. I would hate for her to feel so desperate she feels there’s no alternative. Thank you. X