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Original poster

MIL treating our children differently

22 replies

mumlel · 20/02/2025 11:05

My MIL only messages to see our boys (5, 12, 16) on half terms. Asking if they want to go out for dinner. No other contact is made, and they haven't seen or heard from her since 22nd December when she came round to give christmas presents.
My DH does not have a good relationship with his parents, which has over the years got worse, as he see's how unfairly and differently he is treated in comparison to his older and younger brother. Which is now happening to our boys. MIL has the other GC all the time, treats them like they are her own children, whereas mine get taken out for a meal - 3 times last year.
So my question is this - we have asked the older two boys do they want to go - and they don't really. We don't feel comfortable letting the 5yo go on his own, as he has no relationship with her. And when they have been out before it has been the older son that would look out for him and take him to the toilet etc.
Are we wrong for saying no?
She has said she feels like she is missing out on them - but there is no effort!! We don't get along so unless she makes the effort she doesn't see them.
Please share your thoughts...

OP posts:
CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 11:17

If I asked my 13 year old, who gets on very well with his grandparents, if he wanted to go for dinner with DH’s mum, he’d say no, unless DH and/or I were going. Because he’s a teenager who primarily wants to play with his friends. I think you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face here. Do you want your children to have a relationship with her or not? This is her version of making an effort.

Vaxtable · 20/02/2025 11:31

Just be honest. Sorry mil the older two are not interested as they only see you 3 times a year and are aware you favouritise your other grandchildren as you see them all the time and the youngest to too young to go on his own and dh and I can’t attend

You say you miss them, however you are only prepared to see them 3 times a year so I don’t understand how this could be

then wait and see what happens

Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 09:31

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OP posts:
Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 09:33

q

OP posts:
Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 09:33

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 11:17

If I asked my 13 year old, who gets on very well with his grandparents, if he wanted to go for dinner with DH’s mum, he’d say no, unless DH and/or I were going. Because he’s a teenager who primarily wants to play with his friends. I think you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face here. Do you want your children to have a relationship with her or not? This is her version of making an effort.

Thank you, yes we have told her there aren't fussed. Which has gone down as you can imagine, but a meal?! Why not ask them to go bowling or to the arcades, so many other things they would want to go and do rather than feel awkward sat at a table with them for an hour!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 09:34

Vaxtable · 20/02/2025 11:31

Just be honest. Sorry mil the older two are not interested as they only see you 3 times a year and are aware you favouritise your other grandchildren as you see them all the time and the youngest to too young to go on his own and dh and I can’t attend

You say you miss them, however you are only prepared to see them 3 times a year so I don’t understand how this could be

then wait and see what happens

Thank you, yes we have told her there aren't fussed. Which has gone down as you can imagine, but a meal?! Why not ask them to go bowling or to the arcades, so many other things they would want to go and do rather than feel awkward sat at a table with them for an hour!

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ThejoyofNC · 21/02/2025 09:38

My MIL did this. My DC's cousins treated like kings, showered with praise and gifts. Every time she saw mine all she would do was go on and on about their cousins and the comparisons were never ending. It finally came to a head when we all met up for a meal and she brought bags of gifts for the cousins. When she saw my DC (who she knew were coming) she pulled a chocolate lollypop out of one of their bags and handed it to them. I told her where to shove it and we're now NC.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/02/2025 09:39

I think you should encourage them to go unless they are abusive, it's just a meal and one less you have to pay for. The kids will have picked up your vibe that it's optional.
My parents would never have done that with me they'd say on Tuesday you're all having lunch out with granny lucky you!

thepariscrimefiles · 21/02/2025 09:41

mumlel · 21/02/2025 09:34

Thank you, yes we have told her there aren't fussed. Which has gone down as you can imagine, but a meal?! Why not ask them to go bowling or to the arcades, so many other things they would want to go and do rather than feel awkward sat at a table with them for an hour!

Show quote history

It's all about what your MIL wants, not what would be enjoyable for your children. Don't pander to her. She hasn't bothered to built a relationship with them so they aren't bothered about seeing her. She's reaped when she has sown.

TheAmusedQuail · 21/02/2025 09:42

Be blunt. Three times a year isn't enough to have a relationship with them. Either see them more often, or as they get older they're not going to want to see you.

Duckyfondant · 21/02/2025 09:43

I think 5 years old is plenty old enough for a meal out with gran. They can get to know each other better

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/02/2025 09:44

As a person that was once the grandchild in this situation Id say please listen to your kids. It hurts to be obviously second best. I cut contact with my maternal grandparents at 14 and haven't regreted it for a moment since. I wasn't being a teen and not wanting to hang out with anyone but friends, I'd had enough being made to feel like an afterthought by my grandparents.

Shared DNA doesn't make someone family, love and genuine care do. Being treated badly by someone isn't forgiveable because they're family, it's worse in fact when it's someone who is expected to love you like your parent or grandchild.

Tourmalines · 21/02/2025 09:53

And what effort does your husband put in? Does she get invited to dinner at your place or invited over for anything at all ,even just a visit ? Do you all as a family go and visit her? It takes 2 to tango, and I see this as all one-sided and she is the only one making an effort. No wonder your boys don’t feel close, they’ve never been encouraged. You say you don’t get on so obviously they’ve picked up on that.

Painauraison · 21/02/2025 09:56

Husband needs to have a long chat with her about all this and call a spade a spade!

Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 10:38

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/02/2025 09:44

As a person that was once the grandchild in this situation Id say please listen to your kids. It hurts to be obviously second best. I cut contact with my maternal grandparents at 14 and haven't regreted it for a moment since. I wasn't being a teen and not wanting to hang out with anyone but friends, I'd had enough being made to feel like an afterthought by my grandparents.

Shared DNA doesn't make someone family, love and genuine care do. Being treated badly by someone isn't forgiveable because they're family, it's worse in fact when it's someone who is expected to love you like your parent or grandchild.

I am sorry you were in this situation, but thank you for sharing this.
I always struggle with is what we are doing right, we spent years asking them to babysit, have them for the day etc, which they would do, but they would never ask or offer to have them. And when it became apparent that our boys were always a second thought in certain situations or not invited (family day trips out in the summer, panto etc with the other grandkids) we stopped asking for their help.
The older boys are so aware, and I don't think there is any bad feeling towards them I just don't think they have that love for them like they do their other grandparents that are actively involved in their life.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 10:38

Painauraison · 21/02/2025 09:56

Husband needs to have a long chat with her about all this and call a spade a spade!

Their relationship broke down years ago unfortunately, they don't even speak if in the same room..... again all comes from how differently he is treated from his brothers - families!

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Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 10:41

Tourmalines · 21/02/2025 09:53

And what effort does your husband put in? Does she get invited to dinner at your place or invited over for anything at all ,even just a visit ? Do you all as a family go and visit her? It takes 2 to tango, and I see this as all one-sided and she is the only one making an effort. No wonder your boys don’t feel close, they’ve never been encouraged. You say you don’t get on so obviously they’ve picked up on that.

Their relationship broke down years ago unfortunately, it goes way back to his childhood and into adulthood mainly mistreatment compared to his brothers, it runs very deep.
We spent years inviting them to family meals and occasion's, but it became so awkward. They are still invited for birthdays, but it is me that has to arrange this, and is painfully awkward.

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Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 10:43

Tourmalines · 21/02/2025 09:53

And what effort does your husband put in? Does she get invited to dinner at your place or invited over for anything at all ,even just a visit ? Do you all as a family go and visit her? It takes 2 to tango, and I see this as all one-sided and she is the only one making an effort. No wonder your boys don’t feel close, they’ve never been encouraged. You say you don’t get on so obviously they’ve picked up on that.

Yes spent years inviting her over, but there was never any effort back. Since I stopped asking this is now the relationship they have, because she has to arrange it. She walks past the end of our road on the way to work twice a day - have always made her welcome for coffee etc, but has come in maybe 3 times - ever!!

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Cynic17 · 21/02/2025 10:43

It's only 2 months since Christmas, so sounds about right. I used to see my grandparents 3 times a year, and never thought it was an issue.

Mosaic123 · 21/02/2025 10:46

How about she takes them to a film and then for pizza after?

It could be at a weekend instead of half term.

luckylavender · 21/02/2025 10:48

Vaxtable · 20/02/2025 11:31

Just be honest. Sorry mil the older two are not interested as they only see you 3 times a year and are aware you favouritise your other grandchildren as you see them all the time and the youngest to too young to go on his own and dh and I can’t attend

You say you miss them, however you are only prepared to see them 3 times a year so I don’t understand how this could be

then wait and see what happens

Don't say favouritise though. It's not a word.

Original poster
mumlel · 21/02/2025 11:45

Mosaic123 · 21/02/2025 10:46

How about she takes them to a film and then for pizza after?

It could be at a weekend instead of half term.

which takes me back to me having to organise/suggest when she does for all her other grandchildren off her own back!

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