I feel like a shit friend

[terracottatrees]

My best friend is going through a breakup, and I just can't find the energy to support her properly. Long story short, she goes from one bad relationship to the next, and I've always stood by her side.

She's struggling right now, but this has been going on for years splitting up, moving on, meeting someone new, staying in toxic relationships, going back and forth, getting hurt. Its exhausting. This time, though, she was the one who got broken up with by a semi-decent man, and she has never experienced that before.

I just don't know how to reach out or what to say. I was honest and told her I'm struggling with how to support her and asked what I could do. She has been really off with me since.

She also hasn't really reached out to me and my other friend who are her closest friends - and met up with others instead.

Not sure if it's years of dealing with the same thing over and over or if I'm just a bad friend. Anyone else been in this situation?

Bump

From your post, I don't fully understand why you are finding it difficult to support her in this instance, particularly. Or why her background of maybe making less than wise relationship choices in the past is all the relevant (as you say this guy was quite nice, and he finished with her).

Would you usually know what to do to support a friend through a difficult time? (In my experience, it's just about being there, listening, reassuring them that you care and that things will get better). If so, can't you just do what you would always do?

Telling her you didn't know how to support her may have felt strange to her, as it is hardly as if she is in a wildly new and unusual situation. I think this is a reasonable thing to say to someone if they have something uniquely tragic happen to them, but a relationship break-up? She was probably left wandering why you couldn't support her.

Sorry, that all sounds a bit critical of you, which wasn't my intention. More just curiousity - why do you feel you don't know how to support your friend at this time, through this fairly commonplace scenario?

You’ve had enough, that’s what your gut is telling you so I’d just let it be.

Is she a drama llama and can sense you're bored of it?
Has found others to entertain with her woe?

It's bizarre, I've never usually found it difficult with her EVER. But this time around I just feel like I haven't got the energy to say anything. She's a very sensitive person in general and can get quite defensive and we are usually very honest about what we think etc but we can't be like that this time around. I've never been this way before with her. I also have another friend who's going through similar and it's easy as pie, I can just say it straight off my tongue. Not sure what's changed, the dynamic feels off and I know she hasn't been fully open with us from the start but with others she has. I just genuinely don't know what to say or do. I feel I can't speak to her how I usually can in situations like this

so she's found someone else to whinge to
doesn't sound like a big loss

maybe she remembers your advice last rime, and the time before that...

Yes. You are uncomfortable and din't know how to support someone who keeps doing the same thing and expects a different result. And also expect sympathy when it all goes wrong again.

It's likely that she's told some different people because they aren't bored of it yet.

It is asking you to do too much to be sympathetic and say the same stuff over and over

@Huckleberries this is what me and my friend initially thought. I'm fed up of it. But sadly, this time around its actually ended up being she's the ones whose been left and it's all very new to us. She's in a bad place and I feel awful, but I think it's year and years of exhausting everything I've got to try and make her see she keeps making these bad choices albeit this isn't her fault it's happened. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but I almost feel like this is the wake up call she needed to really knuckle down and stop dating the wrong people and I obviously can't say that

You can't make her see it though? I mean youve done your best. People only learn this stuff for themselves.

The sad part is, I was the first person she called when it happened, as we are very close. But in the past three weeks we've grown apart, she's decided she wants to spend time with other friends instead of us, she so cancelled on me when I invited her over for dinner as she felt shit, and then proceeded to go out drinking a few days after with her 'other' friends - which in turn made her feel worse obviously. This pissed me off anyway, and since then I haven't bothered

I know I can't. I think I've backed off a bit because it's draining and this is when I should be there to support her at her worst and I feel like I just can't

I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for about three or four years. Last year, they often quarreled and came to me to complain. I analyzed their situation and feelings and suggested breaking up. She didn't want to, so I didn't persuade her anymore. Later, she suddenly told me that she broke up and was in an ambiguous period with another boy at that time, but she told me that it was impossible for her to be with that boy. Later, I didn't know why she was with her ex again and didn't want to care about her anymore.

You say historically that she's always been the person doing the dumping and not being dumped. Might it be difficult this time because in some subconscious way you feel that she's getting a taste of her own medicine for a change?

Also, all your usual go to support strategies are focused on her having decided to walk away (usually from tossers by the sound if it) and this time it's completely reversed and he dumped her and he's not the usual twat so you are off balance.

It’s a rubbish situation for you both but you’re only human and you’ve been honest and told her you don’t know what to do.
It’s her turn to communicate and tell you what she needs from you. If she can’t or wont do that’s there’s not really anything you can do unfortunately

Unfortunately, I think deep down, I do feel that yes. Awful I know.

@terracottatrees this time she might at least learn how it feels to be on the receiving end.
I'm sure she's struggling. She'll have to find a way by herself and grow up.

Has she been an emotional vampire and there's just nothing left?

Sometimes people like that take and take and never really reciprocate the emotional support and the well runs dry.

I think even if you’re drained you can just try to be there to listen and sympathise, try to offer some helpful advice without being “I told you so “ , even if it’s a generic I’m sorry this has happened , I’m here for you, things will get better. Organise an afternoon or night out. Try to separate your emotions if you can .