To not feel needed anymore?

[missedtherainbow]

Life isn’t like it’s portrayed in films and music is it? Romantic gestures, heart fluttering and special memories or have I just got it all very wrong?
I’ve been married for over 20years to the only person I’ve ever kissed and only ever been on a date with.
He was the first person I ever told I loved, he’s reply at the time was that he didn’t love me and wasn’t sure if he ever could but I was besotted and just wanted to be with him so thought that was enough. He had not long split up with his childhood sweetheart who hurt him very badly, I think she was probably the love of his life.
I fell pregnant. When I told him he said he would hate me if I went ahead with the pregnancy, he’d have to move away and he didn’t want me to be the mother of his child and wouldn’t always resent me. I had an abortion, I will always regret it and still 24 years later feel horrible guilt but ultimately it was my choice so I can’t blame him for that.
He proposed after we’d been living together for a year. It wasn’t very romantic he started the ‘proposal’ by saying he wanted to make it clear that he was only doing so to stop his family and friends from nagging him and asking if we were going to get married. He also said he wanted nothing to do with any of the planning and so he didn’t.
He gave a speech at the reception thanking his family for their support and his friends for coming, he didn’t mention me at all.
In films the groom tells the bride how beautiful she looks, he told me he wasn’t keen on my dress and I could have done with a jacket or sleeves. I’ve never been skinny and I think he was embarrassed, I was a size 12 then and am much bigger now.
i was quite ill when pregnant with our first child and there were complications, he told me he would blame me and wouldn’t be able to forgive me if there was anything wrong with the baby. Thankfully baby was fine.
He didn’t turn up at the first visiting time at the hospital after I had an emergency c-section, he was asleep at his moms because he was tired and she wanted to feed him and make sure he was okay. Everyone else on the ward had partners/family coming in with balloons and gifts.
He has a good job and there are lots of corporate events and balls that he goes to but he’s never invited me, I know partners are usually invited. I am overweight and have never been what you would describe as pretty but I would have loved to have gone to just one. I’ve never danced with anyone except at school discos at primary school.
The children asked him once how and why he proposed and he told them exactly how it was, they laughed and thought it was funny that he only asked me to shut everyone else up and that he didn’t really want to. They were young and didn’t realise but it really hurt that they all laughed and thought it was funny.
i know this is all very self pitying and pathetic but I feel like I’ve missed out on all the special ‘firsts’ telling someone you love them, getting engaged/married, having children I don’t have any lovely stories to tell.
I’ve never been special to anyone or been loved by anyone except by my children who are now adults and moving on with their own lives as it should be.
Almost every evening I’m on my own, husband coin from work and goes on his computer, he even takes his dinner to eat at his computer. Weekends the children have their own things going on now, husband goes out to eat with his brother, parents I’m never invited. if we all go out he walks ahead he won’t let me hold his arm or hand I know he’s embarrassed by me. I do try I always have make up on and try to look smart.
We will have a family holiday this year as we do every year but our eldest isn’t coming this year she’s going with her boyfriend and friends instead and I think it won’t be long before it’s the same with the other children. My husband is also having two holidays away with his brother which he does most years.
I just don’t know what is left, I’m not really needed anymore. I don’t have any friends or a social life. I’m not clever or witty, I’m not attractive or talented.
I feel like I’ve missed my opportunity and am just going through the motions or is it that other people’s lives aren’t really that different and actually this is just how it really is?
I think mainly I’m just tired and a bit lonely.

Oh OP, you deserve so much better than this.

Life doesn't have to be like this. If you want things to change then make some changes but don't look to others to make you happy. It does sound like your husband is a real misery so perhaps you can start there. Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life? What does make you happy? What are you interested in? This isn't the rehearsal, make some changes, bring some joy into your life.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE

You need to get that tattooed on your hand or something.

I don’t have any friends or a social life.
get one. Start a hobby, 2, 3 hobbies... that's the best way to make friends, organically through shared interest. Don't got looking for "friends", go because you enjoy it and you want to grow and it will happen.

Do you work?

Make yourself financially independent.

Small steps, but again, IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
You deserve better. You can't just get up and leave but you can start making changes.

Oh gosh, this is sad to read. You think he ‘settled’ for you, but actually, it's you who has settled because you have always deserved more. He’ll never give you the love and attention you crave so I think you need to do some hard thinking about what you want the next half of your life to look like. It's easy for me (or anyone else) to say leave, even though I 100% think that would be a good opinion for you. But at the very least channel some of your energy and love into yourself. Think about you and what you want. It's not too late to develop interests, meet new people, make friends, do things that you want and enjoy! Stop looking to him to make you feel worthy and look to yourself.

Your horrible husband has ground you away to nothing. You need to get rid of him and find out who you are without his hatred - and that is what it is, he hates you OP - poisoning your life. You will have to start all over again but you can do that - you more than likely have as much time to live as you've already had, think how much you've done in that time - you've grown and raised whole human beings! You can grow and raise yourself. And you'll be able to do it a lot better without fighting against his coldness and disapproval. He is punishing you every day of your life for not being a woman who didn't even want him. You are just a prop in his sad story about himself. Be the subject of YOUR story. Starting from now.

This makes me so I believably sad.
The bad news is, you really did this to yourself.
Good news: its not too late! Dont keep doing this to yourself! You deserve someone who loves and treasures you. You wont find him if you stay with you husband.

It’s hard to get out of the house. All of our children are teens or older but one has additional needs and can’t be left on her own.
My husband doesn’t get home until 7-8pm of an evening and at the weekends he will go to pick one of the kids up from a hobby and then take them out to the cinema or a meal but doesn’t tell me that’s what he’s going to do so I’m left waiting at home.
i do work but without outing my self it’s a job that a lot of people don’t really consider to be a proper job. I
I only have a debit card to our joint account and most of the time we’re in the overdraft so trying to save is difficult but I have thought about maybe going somewhere for the day, the seaside would be lovely I’d love to just sit and watch the sea for a bit.
We have savings but the savings account is only in my husbands name he says he’s not sure why and keeps saying he’s going to change it to both our names but he just never gets around to it. I don’t know how much is in it but think it’s over £10,000.
i suppose I just feel invisible and I know it’s all completely my own fault but I don’t know how or if I have it in me to change things or just carry on fading away.

Start with one small goal or ‘want’. You've mentioned going to the seaside. Why not make that your goal to go in the next month? On a weekend when he's with the kids, just go. You don't have to tell anyone or explain yourself (he doesn't!). Go and enjoy the day and then make a new goal or ‘want’ and work towards doing that the following month. Also, I appreciate that he comes home late, but there are adult activities that can be done in the evenings. Book clubs, solo cinema trips, and night classes.

He’s such a bastard OP and obviously enjoys putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself.
I agree with previous posters that it is definitely not too late for you to create a better life for yourself.
Do you think you want to stay with him
or would you be happier separating?
Start with small steps to expand your horizons and try to add some fun and interest into your life.
Good luck

He's always been this way as you accepted it OP. By not challenging him, he had no reason to change.

Appreciate you were young and in love, but he's always shown you his true colours.

Some people don't realise what they've got until they're about to lose it. The thought of losing you might give him a big kick up his bottom.

Do you want to stay in the marriage?
Is he a joyful person with others?

You deserve so much more OP and as others have said, it's not too late.

He's taken you for granted all these years and it's about time you stood up for yourself. There is still hope.

My darling, my heart aches for you.

I recently escaped from something similar. It took me several years to get strong enough to finally leave, but I did. It's early days yet and I still miss some things, but I feel lighter, at peace, and that I have the rest of my life to live and not just exist. And so do you!

Mumsnet has been an absolute gold mine of inspiration and advice over the years. I don't know if you're a regular, but there is so much good will and encouragement here. It helped me so much to understand that I didn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage, and gave me the courage to start my journey

Here is something I read here and saved on my phone a few years ago which helped me. I didn't save the name of the person who posted it, unfortunately. (If she reads it - THANK YOU, your words lit a fire in me and kept me going).

I hope it helps you too.

Here it is. (I might have shortened it a bit):

"You absolutely can change your life. First you have to start believing that you deserve love and happiness, and that you can create this life for yourself.
Grow the belief that you do know how to look after yourself, how to love yourself. Let the belief in you bloom, that you are loved; by you.
As that belief grows, imagine what it will do to your body as it starts to enter into the corners and edges of your bones, your heart and your gut.
Let yourself start to contemplate resting into the arms of the part of you who will protect and keep safe the sacred essence of who you are. Imagine a part of yourself like a warm, soft, brave, strong bear.
Powerful and loving; offering up medicine and courage to your very centre.
You have within you, all the tools you need, to grow love and kindness within the very roots of you.
You might just need to pull the tools out from the rubble, but they are there, waiting to be activated, waiting to be found.
You need to start to believe it’s within you, because it is."

I took this quite literally and used to cuddle myself to sleep, and make myself feel safe and loved by wrapping my own arms around me.

Another thing that really helped me was listening to affirmations on youtube every morning when I woke up, and every night in bed. (I put my ear buds in). It sounds a bit weird but they really do help rewire your brain.

Lastly, yoga with Adriene every day. I learned to love my body, calm my mind, and grew stronger physically and emotionally. The woman is an angel.

Wishing you all the best, and all the love and happiness you deserve.

Stop making dinner for yoyr husband. Stop being a doormat. Your husband is an excuse for a human being.

Could you try seeing a therapist to help you with self esteem and help you build up to leaving him and thinking of what you want your life to look like? It is good that you’ve come to the stage of posting here. I think you would be able to be much happier without him around to bring you down, and it would give you the space to rediscover yourself and make yourself happy.

Therapist is a great suggestion and keep posting here for support too.

How are you doing, @missedtherainbow ?