Is this gaslighting?

[Cocteautwin6]

Me and DH had an argument earlier after I was struggling with a very tired son who had had a poonami, and I asked him when he was going to finish work. (Son had been knackered since I picked him up at 5 and nodded off when I was stuck in traffic, so wasn’t pleased at being woken up!)

DH had not left desk but did get some clean PJs before going back (he WFH). When I asked him when he was finishing at 6:30pm, he immediately flew off the handle and blamed his lateness on me and my son, and said “f* you” as he stomped off. He then came back and said he’d take over. I confronted him about the swearing and he swore blind he hadn’t said it, which pushed me over the edge a bit as it felt like gaslighting (I’ve been in an abusive relationship before).

I would understand the swearing if I had picked a fight, but I used a calm tone as my son was there and generally DH is a very defensive person so I try to be measured. So not only did this feel unwarranted, but slightly manipulative. However, I worry that I’m either blind to it, or have some kind of PTSD from my past experiences.

Does this sound normal?

It's not gaslighting.

That doesn't mean it's ok though. Just because it's not technically gaslighting doesn't mean he's not being abusive.

And edited to say: this is only a snap shot but is this is representative of normal behaviour then yes he's abusive.

Gaslighting would be accusing you of making it up / being paranoid or along those lines. Did he do that?

Denying he said Fuck you is absolutely gaslighting-hes denying Ops reality.
Seriously Op I couldn't stay with a man who spoke to me like that,its disgusting

He has since said he swore but not “at me”.

Thank you. The issue is, if we have arguments (which aren’t often as I tread carefully) it usually gets very heated then a few hours later he will feel terrible and sometimes say he’s pathetic and should kill himself. I feel like that’s also abusive?

It's not gaslighting.

Cross-posted. Your update makes me think he could be abusive.

I suppose it depends, I see you said he did say he swore but not at you. So it’s a bit difficult because it is how you perceived it. Either way it is shitty swearing like that whether it’s at you or not. You only asked for some help!

PS I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and it makes it so hard to know what’s a red flag or not. I recently finished the freedom program and it was really helpful to me in my relationship now

OP try and take a step back and think about why it matters to you whether it is gaslighting, or whether he swore at you or just swore. He went completely off the handle on something minor. If this isn't a one off reaction by someone under major stress, then it's abusive. It doesn't have to be gaslighting to be abusive.

Gaslighting is one of those terms that people use incorrectly all the time (narcissist is another example) in that it describes a very specific type of behaviour. But there are so many ways that someone can be abusive or just a horrible person to live with without gaslighting you.

And I can see you're treading on eggshells around him and he's emotionally manipulating you to force you to forgive him because he's oh so suffering himself. This is abuse OP. Have you got someone in real life you can talk to?

Yes I would be worried. Is your son also your husband’s son?

I found it useful to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I also found it useful to be single for years. I know that might not be practical for you, but if this goes south maybe something to consider.

This should help you to assess your relationship.

My bf is giving me 500 quid out of his 8.5k money he is due in backpayment. He smashed my car up and the excess for him is 440. My insurance has gone up significantly it's 2nd time he's done this. He has promised me he is giving it me. This morning he said he didn't need to give it me now as it's an insurance job questioning the excess. I kicked off he then told me he never said this. He told my mum I am being nasty then my mum (I'm 35 btw) rings me texting me telling me I am imagining that he said he wasn't giving it me.

So effectively he's turned my whole family against me and making out as though I am a life. It's triggered bad anxiety today. I'm fed up. But my mum keeps saying it's all my fault and I'm in the wrong. In all honesty I'm done. He also told his dad he could go upstairs by himself and look at daughters tv bracket before I said he couldn't without someone else being there (hate his dad as doesn't dd) his dad walked into my 15 year old room without knocking. He then said he never said his dad could do this. This is gas lighting.

I want to take this advise. But gaslit by everyone and manipulated and effectively forced to be in a relationship with someone who has a codependency with their dad. Feeling fed up. Every one around me says I need to cut him slack. But why should I support a man not working who gives me nothing and brings nothing to my life because maybe sometimes he is lovely. Manipulative men ruin things they really do. I'm losing all my family my friends everyone forced to be with them as I help them do everything. What about me whose helping me? Once I've helped with driving test I'm done I really am.