To get angry at cheating husband.

superplumb · 2025-02-19T16:54:54+00:00

People keep telling me to get angry, buck up, etc about my husband of 27 years I caught cheating 3 weeks ago. I'm crying lots still and going over ans over the flashbacks of the day I saw them and thr lies he told me. Swearing on my kids lives he wasn't cheating. Me having to go for sti checks. I can't just get angry. Im still on shock. People are getting fed up of me irl I thjnk. He moved out and I've filed for divorce. His mother thinks I've been a bit rash in filing so quickly but I can't get over the lengths he went to to cover up his affair. Even shouting at me for being paranoid ans blaming my meds. I can't shake off the shock.

JacquesHarlow · 19/02/2025 16:55

Do you want to stay with him, or leave him?

Errors · 19/02/2025 16:56

You need to process it in a way that works for you, anger may come down the line eventually but as you said you are still in shock. Have you left him?

username299 · 19/02/2025 16:58

Take your time, there's no rush to do anything. It's a terrible shock and there's a lot to consider. Look after yourself, get some support, get advice and don't worry, the anger will come when it sinks in.

BloodyKellHen · 19/02/2025 16:58

People like to see an immediate reaction, and IME that’s not right for lots of people.

3 weeks ago is very early days, you may still be processing. So go easy on yourself. This isn’t a time to worry about what others thing you should be doing, you need to let yourself go through the different stages and work out what you want to do.

I'm so sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 16:59

Yes I told him to leave. I'm now left with the children while he's living the life he wanted.

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Ihaveoflate · 19/02/2025 17:03

The shock will last a while longer and is completely normal. Anger didn't hit me until about 3 months after the revelation and it came and went in waves for about 12-18 months.

Most sources on the subject suggest a timeline of 2-5 years to recover from the trauma of infidelity, so it is really very early days for you.

The online forum and resources on Surviving Infidelity were invaluable to me in those early months - I'd really recommend them.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:04

Ihaveoflate · 19/02/2025 17:03

The shock will last a while longer and is completely normal. Anger didn't hit me until about 3 months after the revelation and it came and went in waves for about 12-18 months.

Most sources on the subject suggest a timeline of 2-5 years to recover from the trauma of infidelity, so it is really very early days for you.

The online forum and resources on Surviving Infidelity were invaluable to me in those early months - I'd really recommend them.

Thank you. God I can't do this for years.

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BloodyKellHen · 19/02/2025 17:04

superplumb · 19/02/2025 16:59

Yes I told him to leave. I'm now left with the children while he's living the life he wanted.

How old are the children? Does he see them?

hettie · 19/02/2025 17:05

Your experiences are really really normal.....

ForeverPombear · 19/02/2025 17:08

I never found my anger but I did move on. I've found someone and he's still on his own.

letslaughitoff · 19/02/2025 17:12

Sorry op sounds awful but if it was me i would be throwing a fit and the neighbours would hear my voice and not nice words.
After ive gone mad id kick his ass out.
Or you could keep calm and show him the door calmly no reaction is the worse you can give him.

2025willbemytime · 19/02/2025 17:14

I don't t know if this will help or not, and I've been on your other thread so you know a bit about my situation, but I think I was in shock for five years. Then the next two were more an acceptance of the situation and it really had happened. I then divorced him in year eight over something else.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:17

BloodyKellHen · 19/02/2025 17:04

How old are the children? Does he see them?

Show quote history

10 and 8. Both autisic. Hes acting the disney dad. Pops over after work for ice cream
But cant have them.overnight at his mummy's because there isn't room..
Apparently so he's all fine and dandy and I'm exhausted . Not that he'll care mind.

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Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:18

letslaughitoff · 19/02/2025 17:12

Sorry op sounds awful but if it was me i would be throwing a fit and the neighbours would hear my voice and not nice words.
After ive gone mad id kick his ass out.
Or you could keep calm and show him the door calmly no reaction is the worse you can give him.

I kicked him out the day I caught him. Next day I filed for divorce

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Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:20

ForeverPombear · 19/02/2025 17:08

I never found my anger but I did move on. I've found someone and he's still on his own.

You mean his affiar partner didn't work.out?
I cant imagine finding someone else i cam trust. He looked me in the eyes and said he loved me, would t leave me and wasnt cheating. I actually thought I was going mad and.swapped my meds because of my 'paranoia'

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AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/02/2025 17:23

I don't think it matters whether you're angry yet or not. It's only been a few weeks - It's totally natural that you're still in a state of shock. But you have acted swiftly and decisively and you have shown that you will not tolerate being treated like that in a marriage. I'm sure people aren't getting fed up with you - you kicked him out immediately! That's hardly a sign of weakness!

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:27

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/02/2025 17:23

I don't think it matters whether you're angry yet or not. It's only been a few weeks - It's totally natural that you're still in a state of shock. But you have acted swiftly and decisively and you have shown that you will not tolerate being treated like that in a marriage. I'm sure people aren't getting fed up with you - you kicked him out immediately! That's hardly a sign of weakness!

I think its the cryi g they're struggling with. They want me to get angry and stop crying but I feel so sad what we've lost, the future what I thought I knew. I thought I knew him, after 27 years I don't recognise him anymore and o feel like the last 27 years have been a waste of time

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Ihaveoflate · 19/02/2025 17:29

It's a completely unreasonable expectation that they have of you. Of course you're sad - you need to grieve the life you thought you had.

Recovery will not be linear and will last a good while longer. Consider counselling or find some more supportive people to surround yourself with. An online community can be really effective.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/02/2025 17:31

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:27

I think its the cryi g they're struggling with. They want me to get angry and stop crying but I feel so sad what we've lost, the future what I thought I knew. I thought I knew him, after 27 years I don't recognise him anymore and o feel like the last 27 years have been a waste of time

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Well they are bloody unsympathetic then! Anyone would be sad to lose a 27 year relationship which they thought was a good one. You take the time you need to recover.

AngelaMerkin1 · 19/02/2025 17:32

So sorry OP. Don’t listen to anyone else’s thoughts on what you should be doing. In fact I would very much limit who you discuss it with for now. There is no “normal” or right way to react, everyone is different. You do whatever works and feels right, and perhaps consider some counselling for an opportunity to discuss with someone objective. Parents/family and friends are often too involved to advise you and have their own agendas.

notatinydancer · 19/02/2025 17:33

Errors · 19/02/2025 16:56

You need to process it in a way that works for you, anger may come down the line eventually but as you said you are still in shock. Have you left him?

She says he's moved out ???

Hankunamatata · 19/02/2025 17:33

Sounds bloody hard. Could he stay at the house a couple night while you stay somewhere else so he can pick up parent burden?

ForeverPombear · 19/02/2025 17:41

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:20

You mean his affiar partner didn't work.out?
I cant imagine finding someone else i cam trust. He looked me in the eyes and said he loved me, would t leave me and wasnt cheating. I actually thought I was going mad and.swapped my meds because of my 'paranoia'

Show quote history

It didn't last an extra day after I found out. I don't know what's happened to her but he's on his own and has been the last 4 years.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 19/02/2025 17:44

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:17

10 and 8. Both autisic. Hes acting the disney dad. Pops over after work for ice cream
But cant have them.overnight at his mummy's because there isn't room..
Apparently so he's all fine and dandy and I'm exhausted . Not that he'll care mind.

Show quote history

Are you letting him come to your house to see them? I wouldn't be having that - even if he can't have them overnight at his mum's, he can take them there to spend time with them.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2025 17:53

AngelaMerkin1 · 19/02/2025 17:32

So sorry OP. Don’t listen to anyone else’s thoughts on what you should be doing. In fact I would very much limit who you discuss it with for now. There is no “normal” or right way to react, everyone is different. You do whatever works and feels right, and perhaps consider some counselling for an opportunity to discuss with someone objective. Parents/family and friends are often too involved to advise you and have their own agendas.

Edited

I am getting counselling. She's going to start trauma therapy with me. She thinks I'm.stuck.in a cycle of trauma.

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