Dm telling me to calm down

[Gonewiththesun]

Dm has a habit of minimising my emotions, hers are dramatic and perfectly valid of course. I always felt that showing too much emotion/reaction to situations growing up wasn't allowed. This is due to dm saying things like "Well try not to worry", "don't get yourself worked up". It is like I shouldn't feel, and she makes me feel like I'm unstable/vulnerable.

The latest is when I have had some very stressful medical procedures that have gone wrong multiple times, and I was understandably very upset. I only texted her back about them after she randomly asked how I was. I admit that my reply message did show that I was upset and frustrated with what had happened and that I was very upset that I needed more medical treatment (because of what has gone wrong). Dm sympathised, which was good. However, I then get a message an hour or two later saying, "Have you calmed down now." I hearted it as my response (even though it irritated me). Then 5 minutes later she asked when dcs break up from school (we are picking her up and bringing her over to ours). And again she sends another message, "Have you calmed down." At this point, I felt frustrated with her, and replied, "Yup." I then replied to the dcs breaking up from school message.

Dm is the most dramatic person I know when anything goes wrong for her, she will go around in circles, extremely emotional; her own siblings wjll also say this about her, and comment about me being strong. Yet, I have never once told her to try to calm down, or asked if she had calmed down now.

I get on with my life, don't tell her much, I am strong with most things. Then, on a rare occasion, this is what happens, I apparently showed too much emotion in my texts. I don't know why I expected anything different; I am obviously deluded.

What is your view on this?

If she's very dramatic it may be that she hears "calm down" a lot, if not from you, so thinks it's normal.
The minimisation is something get from my own mum and it comes from a place of worry (about me) - if she can't do anything to help me, she needs things to be "not that bad" . She's like this about herself too, to be fair.
It can be fucking annoying though.

I guess her language to you mirrors her language she uses to herself. That’s her norm. Perhaps she is quite histrionic and what you see is actually her overspill after she’s tried to calm down.

I have this with both parents: they refuse to show empathy or concern unless it's about themselves. I'm sorry you're going through this.

She sounds pretty shitty in her attitude to you. I’d really recommend Nicole Sachs’ “cure for chronic pain” podcast and her new book “Mind your body” as her journalspeak technique is really helpful for sitting with his shit like this actually makes you feel, after a life time of likely shoving it down to appease your mum and avoid the potential backlash. You’ve been conditioned to not be allowed your feelings, which is really really shit, and I’m sorry your mum invalidates you so much

Thank you for your recommendation. It is like dm lulls you into a false sense of security. You'll tell her how you're feeling, she will listen, and say "oh dear", "how did that happen", "that's terrible", with no real advice, then the hyperthetical stop watch timer goes off and I am supposed to have snapped back.

I would always push my feelings down growing up, and still do at times. I smiled through traumatic births, nothing was an issue despite being in extreme pain with failed epidurals. This was noticed by the mw, who told me it was okay to not be okay.

Even when my df who I was very close to died (her divorced husband of years), that she hadn't seen for years, he was upset about her until the day he died. She made it all about her. Then she said to me one day later that I needed to stop putting him on a pedestal, and had to calm down for the sake of my dcs. I wasn't even allowed to grieve apparently. The first Christmas without df only a short time later she talked about her dm at length who she lost over 22 years ago, and I was the one giving her advice and supporting her with it only weeks after df died. It was bad enough I had her for Christmas, I was going through the motions and trying to be strong. She stayed for hours, I was exhausted.

I just feel so let down by her. She is coming over next week, I'll just have to be surface level with her.

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well, and with both parents. It is shit and really messes with your head. It is like all your problems can be glossed over quickly, and theirs (often more minor ones) go on for months. I feel like I have parented dm most of my life emotionally, and not the other way around.

Absolutely. I did a lot of work on this around narcissism and reparenting yourself. It’s emotional abuse.

Yes, interestingly, df brought me over leaflet a few years back before he died with advice on dealing with a narcissistical Mother. She was furious when she found out from my golden child sibling. That instance still makes me smile (as awful as that sounds), my Dad got it, and never invalidated my feelings.

Is she coming to stay with you next week? If so, I would be cancelling that myself, and planning a shorter meet up.

I had parents like that.

I wasn't able to express any kind of emotion and was told I was 'too sensitive'' and could not take any criticism.

Of course they on the other hand were allowed to shout at me, threaten me, criticise and control me and have hysterics when anything did not go their way...

The result for me was a miserable childhood and teenage years and choosing to go no contact with them in adult life.

No, just for a visit in the day, no doubt she'll stay all day though. 😫 It honestly gets to the point when the dcs are asking is she going yet, one is ND, and it all is too overbearing.

I am sorry this happened to you. I relate with your "too sensitive comment", this is a classic from dm too. She would tell me "do you need to go to the doctors', if I expressed normal teenage emotions. Being made to feel abnormal for perfectly normal emotions is toxic, and deeply affects you. I hope going nc has helped you. I have to maintain a relationship for my dcs, but I'm happy with minimal contact. She doesn't take the hint though, or respect boundaries. Dm expects to know the finer details of my life.

Have you ever said this to her? That is always seems like her own emotions are treated as important while yours are dismissed?

Because she expects to know the details of your life doesn't mean you have to comply. Have you ever tried declining to share, and telling her why?

It might be worth a try. If it gets you nowhere, stop sharing. Mine's rather like this - instructs me not to be upset, snappily asks if I'm "ok now" and gets nasty if I'm daft enough to say no. I just keep it to myself now (well, share it, but with friends, not her).