To think dominating conversations signals disinterest

[Can457]

I have a friendship which sometimes feels like could turn into a relationship. We are both single parents, our children are good friends and we often spend time with each other ( with the kids) several times a week. We have similar values and interests and I have wondered whether it could turn into something more. I enjoy spending time with him, however he talks a lot and conversation can feel one sided. He does ask me questions, but I find that often in conversation he does a long monologue, I then get a couple of sentences in and then he interrupts and carries on talking. We have similar interests so these are often topics I know a lot about so it's not like I don't have anything to say. I find interrupting people really rude, and as a result I do tend to be less dominant in conversation and let people finish before I speak. To me the dynamic with him suggests he's not that interested in me; he enjoys being with me as he likes a sounding board but is not actually interested in me and therefore a relationship. However I'm not sure if that is just his conversation style. He does have ADHD and I'm aware interrupting can be a symptom. I'm not asking how to resolve the dynamic but whether this signals a lack of interest or is just how some people communicate.

Yabu - it's just his ADHD/conversation style
Yanbu - if he was interested he'd be hanging off your every word

I don't know, I have this ADHD conversation style but when I'm really into someone I think it would be obvious that I liked them and I'd pay them a lot of attention, ask loads of questions etc.

If you're feeling this uncertain it doesn't sound like a great relationship to get into, as his communication style is unlikely to change?

It's massively an ADHD trait, I have an adult colleague/friend like this and a nephew with ADHD too. It can feel like you're there to listen to their podcast and sometimes it feels like everything some how turns back to them. You can hear the same story over and over again to and its like "yep, heard this one before, but I'll have to wait until the end anyway and pretend its the first time ive heard it 🙄"

The ADHD does explain a lot here. He's probably interested in you.

It's hard to say if his neverending monologue is due to high anxiety in hoping he'll impress you with his worldly knowledge, and is terrified of being moments of quiet, but would calm down if he's more secure in your relationship- or basically this is what you'll be stuck with if you got together which would be unbearable.

I was reading this thinking my autistic/adhd son is exactly like this... then you said he has adhd....! So yes, it's part of him! Not a reflection on how he feels about you. I've just been out with a new mum friend today who is autistic. When me and DP got back in the car, he said "she interrupted everything you said, and never listened to you". Yeah, he was right! Didn't bother me though, I'm not great at conversation with new people! But yes. It's definitely an ND thing!

This sounds very typical of ADHD. Both the interrupting and the monologuing. I do this but I do try to be conscious when I am in company that I am not monopolising or interrupting. It's exhausting though and when I'm with people who I am extremely close to I tend not do it and just be myself. So it could just be a sign he's super comfortable with you and doesn't feel the need to mask. Or he is an ADHDer that doesn't mask at all. Or his ADHD is severe and so finds it impossible to mask.

I would speak to him about it (in a kind way). As an ADHDer, he will likely hate it if someone talks too much, and interrupts him (ironically) so he should understand you if you say you find it difficult to cope with. If he likes you he should make some efforts to let you in on the conversation more. Or at the very least acknowledge when he's monopolised.

I do find though that if I am masking my need to talk at people or not interrupt, this takes a lot of brain power and concentration and so it can make me a really poor listener.

I think it's up to you to decide whether this is a thing you can live with. I have to say though that one thing I really appreciate in my DH is he is happy for me to "rant" away when I need to, and always listens. I think I'd find it difficult to be with a partner who couldn't accommodate this aspect of me.

I have a sister who does not have ADHD but does this all the time. It is extremely annoying and boring. I think that this is a trait of a narcissist. They simply prefer listening to their own voice and think that their stories are more important. She would even ask me a question and after I say a few words, she would pick up and continue on with something of her own.

Regardless of why, I would say, run away. This would be a very lonely and resentful way to live. You cannot change him, and will never get used to it.

Thanks for the perspectives, all really interesting. I do think I could potentially find ways to live with it, it's more just an concern at this stage that I'm reading things wrong and he's actually not interested in anything more than friendship. Thanks for all the input!

There was a thing on the radio about how the art of conversation has fallen in the last twenty years and they blame social media and the fact that most of us have so little everyday conversation that actually we see people and just blurt out our news/ everything we haven’t had a chance to talk about or tell people. I see it everywhere now and definitely do it myself too!