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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I want to leave him but cant

10 replies

imsolosthere · 18/02/2025 22:12

Name change to keep me hidden

DH and I have been together nearly 19 years married 8, 4 children and another on the way.

When i was pregnant on our third, DH worked a lot, late hours, would play football in the evenings and go out with friends at the weekends ect... hardly ever home. I developed pre natal depression which led to me gambling to try and find some kind of joy after the kids went to bed and i was sat alone. I gambled a lot and always had just enough left in my account so he wouldnt notice.

Anyway, it all came out when baby was around 3 months old. He kicked me out of our home we owned, i moved in with parents for a few weeks, we talked, i did counseling, went to GA and havn't gambled since (that was over 7 years ago)

He has never moved on from this, hold its against me in arguments.

I tend to keep small things from him so not to start an argument. Never anything serious. Over a month ago I kept a small thing from him, nothing major just didnt want an arguement but he found out and flipped his lid, called me so many names, said we were not to speak unless it was about the kids ect...

About two weeks later he asked me never to do it again, gave a hug and asked if we could go to bed together. I agreed, we had sex but the next day nothing had changed, still not speaking.

3 more weeks go past, he texts says we need to get some form of realtionship back and again can we go to bed together. Again i said yes but still he is not speaking to me. He ignores me when he gets home from work. we dont stay in the same room, I go to bed when the kids do.

I cant take the tension anymore, he speaks to me just to complain about somehting and then i just go and cry, I feel so alone and just used for sex at this point.

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 18/02/2025 22:14

You know the answer OP.

He kicked you out when he felt you weren’t good enough to him.

Now it’s time to kick him out

SparklyBrickViper · 18/02/2025 22:17

He’s abusing you.

Get him out of your home. And stop being his human sex doll.

SpookyAllSeasons · 18/02/2025 22:17

He is using you for sex. That is all you are to him at this point.

You NEED to kick him out for the sake of your mental health and the wellbeing of your children.

ThenUm · 18/02/2025 22:18

I think he sounds at best lazy, entitled and misogynistic and at worst abusive. Speak to women’s aid and talk through what’s healthy in relationships and to be honest, I’d get some legal advice about protecting yourself in the event of divorce.

They are his kids too and you are not his servant.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2025 22:19

Op, why on earth do you keep having children with this man - not fair on them or you. This relationship sounds like it’s done - get the proverbial ducks in a row, and see a lawyer. Get him out if you can (he would need to agree to go most likely), you need breathing space to focus on you and your kids. Things can get better and they will.

imsolosthere · 18/02/2025 22:23

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/02/2025 22:19

Op, why on earth do you keep having children with this man - not fair on them or you. This relationship sounds like it’s done - get the proverbial ducks in a row, and see a lawyer. Get him out if you can (he would need to agree to go most likely), you need breathing space to focus on you and your kids. Things can get better and they will.

Edited

things did get better and he is now a very hands on dad, he changed jobs and reduced his hours, doesnt go out much but im just so unhappy and i feel like he is only staying for the kids, we have a quite large house and he has said he wont leave if we ever split that we could just devide the house so we have our own living spaces, which is possible.

Im a SAHM,

OP posts:
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 09:37

Thank you for your responses, he is WFH today and im riddled with anxiety. He is taking the children out later and i cannot wait for him to not be in the house.

I have a small cash in hand job i do from home but not much money, not enough to pay the mortgage if i do get him to leave. My childrens whole lives are here, i dont want to uproot them

OP posts:
Elsvieta · 19/02/2025 19:50

imsolosthere · 18/02/2025 22:23

things did get better and he is now a very hands on dad, he changed jobs and reduced his hours, doesnt go out much but im just so unhappy and i feel like he is only staying for the kids, we have a quite large house and he has said he wont leave if we ever split that we could just devide the house so we have our own living spaces, which is possible.

Im a SAHM,

If you do divorce him, he doesn't get to dictate the terms - you could force the sale.

Sunnydiary · 19/02/2025 19:53

You need to get legal advice. If you divorce him then the sale of the house can be forced.

Stop having sex with him!!

imsolosthere · 25/02/2025 15:54

I have stopped having sex with him, I’m sleeping down stairs in our spare room, the kids think it’s because I can’t get comfortable in the bed upstairs while pregnant

OP posts:
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