Huge range of birthday party expectations makes it all so confusing?!

[OutandAboutMum1821]

So my memories of birthday parties as a child were of being dropped off, no parents stayed, siblings of those invited attending was unheard of.

We’ve hosted 2 parties for DS (Year 1), and thankfully he’s been invited to plenty (all of which have been completely different).

Expectations around siblings attending seem hugely different nowadays. I seem to be in a minority that when an invite says my son’s name, either myself or my husband takes him, and the other does something else with our DD (3). We’ve explained to her she’ll get her own invites in Reception, and our DS won’t be attending with her. On the odd occasion one of us has been alone with both, I’ve always contacted the Mum hosting in advance to explain that we can either pay for DD’s entrance & food, or drop off our DS. No expectation of a party bag or anything.

I completely appreciate how difficult it can be for single parents/those who work at weekends who have multiple children, etc, but I notice lots all turning up who do have 2 parents like it’s a family day out? Parties when I was a child were very much just for the birthday child and their school friends.

I’ve experienced myself one Mum who was upset she had to pay entrance to our soft play party for her younger son, despite the invite making that clear in advance (I’d paid £250 for my son & 12 friends, that would have risen by £100 if I’d had to pay for the siblings who turned up on the day). I’ve also noticed many parents turning up at other parties with all their children unannounced. It’s then so awkward with party bags, etc. I think it confuses everyone- I’ve actually had Mums question me as to where my DD is when I bring my son alone, and I feel like saying ‘she’s obviously not here because she wasn’t invited by the birthday child?!’ I’ve even had a Mum give me a party bag for my DD at a party she wasn’t invited to & so didn’t attend, which was so kind, but certainly not expected.

Several Mums I know have decided not to host a party at all this year as they cannot afford a potential huge increase in numbers due to uninvited guests. Some have gone the other way and booked a hall and insisted basically anyone can attend for fear of upsetting anyone (DH reported back one was a complete free for all, impossible for hosting parents to properly run party games, chaos).

Now my son is getting older, he is actually airing that he doesn’t need/want me staying, but this seems to be expected where we are. He also wants a more grown up sporty party run by coaches. I am going to need to be very clear with these invites that I cannot accommodate siblings due to number/age limits, but I’m more than happy for parents to start dropping off (Year 2)- surely this shouldn’t be perceived as rude/unusual?

Am I the only one experiencing this level of uncertainty about party invite etiquette nowadays?! Help lol! 😂

Perhaps more people living busier lives with less support. I think YANBU to give the choice (either can drop off or can bring DD but won't expect party bag etc). I don't mind siblings showing up at larger parties like hall or soft play, but as you say if you have a special small sports party planned and loads of siblings show up that'd be a nightmare.

I think all you can do is be clear no siblings - please discuss in your RSVP if this is an issue for you and you might need to drop child off. Then if anyone does it - very sorry, as I emphasised on invite, no siblings possible. Would you like to go and leave Johnny for a bit or is there someone else to take Sally?

People that abuse other people's kindness are total twats.

I feel (or rather felt!) your pain! It always amazes me why both parents need to attend a soft play party in the middle of summer with all the other siblings in tow?! What is the DF so unless he can’t take care of the children on his own for an hour or two? Do they both have nothing better to do with their afternoon? Same for whole families in a&e for minor injuries or whole family big shop outings! WTF!

Dont feel bad, just put a note on the invite, “sorry due to limited places we can’t accommodate siblings, but we’re happy for you to drop off!”

I think what you're doing is right - ask the parents if it's ok, don't expect party bags etc.

I've been in the situation where I've had to take my other kid/s, but I take my own food for them, don't let them interfere etc. Parents differ a lot in terms of what they are happy with, and you have to just go with the vibe on the day! I've had everything - from a mum snottily saying "oh I didn't know you'd be bringing an extra child" when baby was about 8 weeks at the time, fast asleep in the sling, you couldn't even see him - to a different mum absolutely insisting my older daughter sit down at the party table and have food, and they brought an extra plate, party hat etc for her. It all just depends on the type of party (and the person)!

No siblings are invited here as a norm but there is always a couple of parents that will bring them anyway. The kids are too old even for a parent to stay, leave alone for parent + uninvited sibling. There is one round here she does it to those whom she doesn't like.
If she has a connection with you she's respectful and brings only the invited kid. But if not, she just wants to maximise it for both her kids.

YANBU

I've noticed something similar - both parents attending with both of their children as if it's a day out. It often completely changes the dynamic of the party if there are loads of siblings there of a different age to the party child. And sometimes there aren't enough seats in the party venue.

I'm a single parent and so taking just one child can be tricky. But I've never turned up with both children without asking if it's OK first. And I never ask unless I really don't have another option, if the only alternative is my other child missing the party.

I've noticed that some families just have to do everything together at the weekends, so either they all go or none of them do. It's completely alien to me.

I’m worried about this in hosting a party soon as when my DD was in reception a couple of people brought siblings without asking me first and the kids expected party bags.
By year 2 though most parties were smaller ones and dropping off was more accepted/expected