Would this have annoyed you?

[grizeldagreen]

I have a friend who can at times be flakey. But she can also be very kind and generous too so it balances out.

Last week I had a really rough week. She called me on the Friday night asking if I wanted to go out. It was very short notice so I had to decline but explained to her that I'd really like to see her. Could we do Saturday instead? She agreed. I told her I'd had a crap week and was looking forward to catching up.

I messaged her the next day asking if we were still on for meeting up. She said yes but offered no details so I suggested a drink and maybe some food at our local at 4pm. She agreed. Great I thought and planned my day with the dc around this, got ready etc and 10 minutes before we were due to meet she asked if I could go to hers instead. Bit of an anti climax given that I'd got dressed up but ok I thought.

When I arrived her dh was loitering around so we couldn't really talk properly. She was also in gardening gear which suggested that she'd never really planned to get ready to go out. I stayed for a cup of tea and wasn't offered another. Got the feeling they wanted me to go so they could crack on with their jobs so I spent last than an hour there and left.

Is it me or is this a bit shitty? If you make plans stick to them. She was the one who invited me out in the first place! Then when I came up with a suitable plan/time she agreed but clearly had no intention of going. For me to arrange childcare for the kids, get ready for an afternoon drink/food then be home half an hour later pissed me off even more after a bad week.

Yes that is annoying, but I also would have just asked her directly. Not necessarily at the time but later that day called or sent a text. Or attempted to arrange another meeting to discuss it. That’s the only way you’re going to know her perspective.

Yep

Yes it's rubbish

I have a friend who has done stuff like this. I don't really reach out to make plans with her now because I think it's disrespectful to treat people that way. She is also often late (last time we met over half an hour late) and gives no reason or apology for it. I have come to realise that I used to be a priority friend to her but at that time I was also doing her favours, so I was useful. Now I am no longer useful, I am not a priority.

I feel like she does want to meet but is either so shit at time management that she can't be ready on time. Or she only wants to meet on her terms. So had I agreed to the Friday night it probably would have been fine. But by the Saturday she wasn't interested in going out anymore but just didn't want to say.

I would much prefer people to be honest rather than agree to plans they have no intention of keeping.

Yanbu at all that's so shitty. 1, being flaky but 2, having you come over and then trying to rush through your visit so she could get back to her gardening!

I wouldnt bother contacting her again tbh and when she contacts you, I'd say how pissed off I was!

Horrible behaviour from a friend, no matter what she has going on x

You say she can at times be flakey, which to me means unreliable/selfish. A one off is fine but it sounds like she makes a habit of this.

Yes that's a bit rubbish, was she clear that you wanted to go 'out out'? Why didn't you initiate the plans sooner in the day? You said you messaged her and she said 'yes but offered no details'
Did you then specifically say let's meet at wherever at X time for food and drinks or was it a general shall we meet for food and drinks? Sounds like friend is a bit flaky so giving specifics would work and so she has to know to be somewhere at a certain.

I suspected she might have lost interest in going out as she has form for it. If she wants to do something she wants to do it there and then. But that didn't work for me at 6pm on a Friday night so I suggested the Saturday instead which she agreed to.

When it got round to Saturday I messaged her in the morning asking if she still wanted to meet up later. She said yes but didn't suggest where or when. So I said ok cool how about 4pm at the pub for a few drinks and maybe some food if we fancy it. To which she said sounds great.

Then just before I was about to set off to the pub, so about quarter to 4 she messaged asking to change the plans and for me to go to her instead.

Yabu. You’re going on about her terms but made Saturday all about what you wanted.

No I made a suggestion that she agreed to. If she wanted me to just go round there I'd have been ok with that, but I would have liked to have known. She was free to suggest something as well, since it was originally her idea to meet up!

How on earth do you figure that when she ended up at her friends house for one cup of tea and an awkward chat? None of that was what she wanted!

I’m usually really easy going about people cancelling plans, but this would annoy me

I would ask her, kindly, why she did that as you felt disappointed after. They may be a valid reason

That is really rude then, especially knowing you would be leaving and would have got ready for meeting out. If she wanted to just catch up at home then she should have said this when you first messaged.