To be sad about this, anyone else feel like this with their parents?

[Drrwmbo]

I had a nice upbringing, parents hearts were in the right place but they could often be quite selfish… I know it’s easy to criticise and as a parent now myself I know it isn’t always easy. But lots of my upbringing was quite…intense… lots of pressure to do well but also comparisons with sibling and other friends… stuff I think is quite dysfunctional and had an impact on me.

Anyway, as I’ve got older I do enjoy spending time with them and would be incredibly sad if they weren’t around. But I find spending too much time with them quite stressful and sad. I can’t put my finger on why exactly. It’s just a feeling of stress I suppose when I’m with them. I can see clearly now the guilt tripping they do and they will unite with each other against me rather than me feeling like I have a relationship with each of them that is special. I don’t know if I’ve explained that very well. It used to make me want to work harder to try and have something more functional and I would try and have a more adult relationship but I’ve given up really. If they are in a mood I don’t try and chase them or fix it anymore, I just let it happen. I still see them and things are pleasant but it’s sad for me as I can never tell them the reality of what’s happening in my life and so on. Just wondered if others had experienced anything similar.

I recognise all of that and it makes me really sad!

I recognise this too.

In particular spending time with my mother just re activates a horrible, gnawing sense of being not good enough. I only really connected it with her once I stopped spending a lot of time with her, and felt so much better and happier in myself. Often, it isn't necessarily related to a particular conversation with her even, just a constant attitude towards me.

I do feel very sad about it.

I recognise this and have come to the conclusion my mother is a narcissist- covert not overt. Lots of drama, always a victim. Look it up, it's a possibility....

I relate.

I don't have much relationship with mine, they visit on birthdays and that's it.

I don't relate to either of them really, they show no interest in anything I do and if they do it's only to tell me they would have done it differently or better.

Several weeks ago I posted on here about them, I have literally gone past the being sad about it stage and now wouldn't be bothered if I never saw my Mum ever again.

Sorry you seem to be in the same situation

A lot of this is generational I think. They were simply never taught proper parenting themselves nor did they have access to good information like we have today.

Can't really blame them. They're just a victim of the times.

When we know better, we do better.

I feel like this too. It's more about guilt than wanting to be with them or wanting their influence on the next generation.

My parents did their best with what they had and knew, but I absolutely wouldn't want my children parented the same way.

Most people I know see their parents more out of obligation and guilt than love. It's sad, but plenty of us didn't feel loved growing up.

@Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou i think this is a really good point. Thanks. I definitely think it’s true as my parents aren’t bad people but just have never seemed to actually know how to do things better. Not that I am perfect… but I think there’s a lot more self awareness these days due to access to information etc like you say