Family strain on husband

[Coconut1991]

I'm looking for a bit of advice.

For context -
My father in law was diagnosed with cancer about 1.5 months ago. He has three children including my husband. My husband and I live the closest, about 30 mins away. My FIL has been unable to drive since the diagnosis due to taking strong pain meds and my MIL doesn't drive. They live about a 15 minute drive away from any supermarkets. My husband and I are expecting our first child, I'm currently 24 weeks.

FIL has been having regular appointments to do with his PICC line etc although hasn't been started on chemo yet due to complications of surgery and a couple of other things.

The thing I'm struggling with, is the fact FIL and MIL just expect him to drop everything and move shifts around to take them to appointments without any consideration on how it's impacting him. He's a paramedic and had to take FIL to an appointment in between two 12 hour night shifts the other day, then go to work for another night shift. He ended up having to come home at midnight due to a severe migraine and was violently sick.

I can tell he's struggling to cope but he won't tell them that. The other siblings don't seem too keen on helping transport to appointments. FIL & MIL forget that travel time for a simple 20 min appt in total equates to at least 3-4 hours out of my husbands day off or before/after work time, then they expect him to take them to the supermarket afterwards for shopping each time. This is happening at least twice a week, alongside calls daily to ask him to go over, bring soup, collect medications etc etc.

I've suggested online food shopping which they don't like the idea of because they can't have same day delivery. I've suggested PTS transport occasionally to hospital appts which has been ignored. I said I'd take FIL last week to an appt on my day off, 30 min drive over to theirs only for them to say they'd felt unwell all day and didn't feel up to it which I was really quite annoyed about because the lack of consideration - I'd only spoken to them 2 hours before to confirm.

I know FIL and MIL are trying to deal with a cancer diagnosis, I know this and absolutely sympathise. But I don't feel like they recognise or perhaps even care about the mental and physical health impacts this is having on my husband, their son. I'm speaking about it to my husband and he simply looks so drained by it all. I feel I'm going to have to say something to one of both of his parents because it can't continue like this for however many months or years this goes on for.

Does anyone have any suggestions how I can sympathetically but firmly address my concerns? Thank you

The other siblings need to step up but that is a conversation for your husband to have. He needs to get with it and realise this will not be sustainable when the baby arrives, the quicker he deals with this, the better.
Also, you can absolutely get groceries delivered the same day, it just costs more.

Stay out of it. Let him deal with his own parents OP. Sounds awful but he alone -DH-needs to be the one sorting this out.

I don’t think you should approach his parents. It’s not your place. You need to support your husband and he needs to find his backbone.

I agree that a discussion needs to be had with siblings. I have also had success with my parents with telling them what I can do, and when I can do it -and what I can't, and when I can't. They may be going to have to avail themselves of services that they'd prefer not to, because the alternative is they won't have groceries in, or be able to get to an appointment. In an ideal world you and your dh would be able to drop everything and give them all the support they want and need - but it isn't, and you can't. If dh loses his job, or gets long term crook, mentally or physically, he'll be no help to anybody, so everyone needs to keep in mind that he needs looking after in this too.

I'm saying this from a place of having a mental breakdown, putting ridiculous strain on my marriage, and damned near losing my job, having supported my DF and mother through his prolonged battle with cancer. That's the other thing - you have no idea how long this is going to be. You need to all be able to live with it for a potential very long haul, something to very much keep in mind with your dh's employment.

Prescription delivery, weekly grocery delivery needs to become the norm, I would want to take my parent to appointments if I could, if not fall back into a sibling (mines useless) or hospital transport.

I think you need to make these suggest it also support your DP in whatever he wants to do

Either order them a supermarket delivery anyway, or order a delivery to your house and when you go round there always drop off bags of groceries.

Set up an account with a local taxi firm.

Your son needs to set boundaries, it sounds like they can cope- but they are using these as reasons to see their family (hence why being happy to cancel the appointment when it is you not the son who is stepping up)

Maybe get your DH to phone them for 15 minutes everyday, rather than the trips. It sounds like they want emotional support and are using physical tasks to get it.

Please don't approach his parents and tell them the ill effect it's having on his health. It would be unbelievably tone deaf.

You need to continue to persuade your husband to help in other ways (online shopping, taxis etc.)

Definitely not saying to tell the parents about the strain it's placing on dh.

But, it is reasonable, to remind his siblings that everyone, including you and DH have your own lives and issues, particularly with him being a paramedic on shift, and you being 24 weeks pregnant, looking down the barrel of birth and a newborn. It needs to be workable and sustainable for everyone, the level of support given to your parents, including you, particularly because there is no way of knowing how long their need for support is going to be.

If they live further away, that doesn't let them off the hook and mean it all lands on you, it means they need to think about how they're going to do what they can to support their parents in their time of need and get creative about it if necessary.

No one is on the hook or required to provide support to their parents. Of course he can ask his siblings to step up, but they are not obliged to help in anyway.

I think your DH should speak with his siblings. He should tell them that he's been able to shuffle shifts to accommodate so far, but that it's not sustainable long term.

If FIL is to have chemo, the siblings should ideally set up a rota, taking AL if necessary.

They should also be telling their parents to sort prescription delivery.

Surely one of the sibs could commit to driving over every Sat morning to take them to the supermarket and stop for lunch? They could take it in turns.

If your DH continues to be the default child who drops everything, that will become the expectation and very hard to extricate himself from.

As this is a relatively new situation, I'd continue to support your DH for now, but encourage him to think how this is going to be sustainable long term.

Do you get on with the siblings? Might a family lunch help share the worries?

Sounds like a tough situation. I know it's too late now, but shows that poor planning for older age is so important in terms of being close to shops, good transport routes and gp etc. I don't think it's reasonable for dc to drop everything to help parents. I won't be expecting my one dc to do the same for me.

Your dh needs to speak them about that is reasonable and what isn't. Refusing to use online shopping isn't reasonable. Is there buses they could get (if he's well enough) or using a taxi?

Amazon groceries used to do same day, maybe check that out too.