Update: To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

I've read all the posts on the last thread which filled up. I felt buoyed up and justified by some and questioned myself with others.
There is probably some painful stuff for me to reflect on. I have felt more 'snubbed' by son in recent years as he seems to think he's above where he came from now and this adds to the feeling that he feels we are beneath him and he can't be bothered with us anymore.
Stuff about not helping with future grandkids- I have to admit recently that they are the ones who have helped me. When DH was in hospital briefly over new year they came and collected the younger three and looked after them for two nights. I was very grateful but it does sting when the kids have been spoilt rotten with things I just couldn't afford to give them.
Again though, it's my son who occasionally makes barbed comments about the past or our situation, never her. I can't fault her for anything really apart from being reserved which I admit I may not fully understand.
I rang son and he was fine. Said he was sorry I was upset but he would do it over again. He said realistically he was only happy to do what they did or not be married at all and he shouldn't have given me the impression of anything else. He said I was just off on one anyway because he could guarantee that I would have hated any theoretical big wedding they might have had and I wouldn't have been happy no matter what they did. He said he'd love to go out at the weekend with us but if I dared breath one word of criticism within his wife's earshot he would be back in the car before I could say Coco. He said he hadn't shared with her how badly I'd taken things as he knew she would feel awful about it.

I know I said I don't hide my feelings but I'd like to think I also know when to let things go. My son is the one who can be an arse, not her, and I told him I was just glad someone had taken him on. He laughed and that was the end of it.

I think after 1000 posts it might be time to let it go. I didn't read the other thread but I imagine there were some uncomfortable truths on there. What could you get from a second thread that you didn't from the first?

To give an update rather than leave it hanging.

OP - be careful of reading too much into every comment. His actions don’t sound of someone who looks down on you,

Well done. Did you congratulate him?

tbf you do sound like you take things very personally - your son is still young, he’s married someone who has done really well with a tough start, very different background - he’ll be changing fast and reassessing things in his own life. Not all of that will be flattering to you but that’s parenting and I doubt you think you’re perfect! On the plus side they sound kind and interested in maintaining a good relationship so gracefully plaster on that smile and be delighted for them. They’ve found each other and want to be together for ever! That’s huge!

I get the impression that you remarried and had more kids? Was he maybe upset by that?

Just don't argue op, otherwise you'll lose him. But I feel bad for you that he seems to be looking down on the life you've given him

I'm estranged from my dm. But never would I look down on the life choices she made when she was all alone with a little one.

Best of luck op and I'm sorry you were left out. Just leave things, it sounds like he's prepared to cut contact

Unless there's more to your relationship, you're doing OK ❤️

I read all the replies from you, but not all of the other comments.

I honestly think they just wanted a no fuss wedding so they had it. That’s all. Nothing you said makes me think he’s looking down on you, unless you have missed things out.

I have felt more 'snubbed' by son in recent years as he seems to think he's above where he came from now and this adds to the feeling that he feels we are beneath him and he can't be bothered with us anymore.

Interestingly, I saw this recently on Instagram from Matt Haig, the author. I read it and thought ‘oh how fabulous. If I ever get married again I’d like that.’ And that’s all I thought. No ‘his poor parents’, no ‘her poor parents’. It’s just a short amount of time, nothing more. We didn’t even get photos of our very short ceremony. To us, it was just admin, like applying for a new bank account or something. Some people dress up, some don’t. It’s not a snub to you, it’s just a reflection of their feelings on weddings, big events, expense, friends in different areas, putting on a ‘show’, and I wouldn’t look for a deeper meaning in it.

If you can, it might be helpful to have one or two counselling sessions. I say that because I had some last year and talking to someone who has no personal connection to you or anyone you’re talking about is really helpful, I hadn’t realised that but now I’ve experienced it I think you might find it helpful. They ask the questions and somehow you yourself arrange your thoughts into a more helpful order.

Oh the image is hidden right now apparently, sorry.

Here is a link, maybe that will work?

https://www.instagram.com/share/_liKpDr_D

If your ds had chosen to have a traditional wedding and not invited you then I would understand your upset. But he didn't. He didn't invite anyone. There was no even from what I understand. Just a stay away with witnesses. Is that right?

Then I feel completely that this is their choice to make and it sends no message to you. There is no snub