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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS part time nursery when DD went full time?

18 replies

Purpledaysareus · 17/02/2025 19:13

I’m about to return to work following maternity leave with my DS who is almost 1. I’ve decided to drop my hours down to 80% and have a day with him every week. However, when I went back to work a few years ago following the birth of our DD I went back full time, and then eventually dropped to 90% but kept the half day to get household chores / life admin done. DD remained full time at nursery.

I’m feeling guilty that I didn’t take the same time with my daughter and that I’m being unfair. Has anyone else done something similar?

I had pretty bad PND following the birth of our DD so return to work was a bit of an escape for me. It feels different this time round…

OP posts:

AwakeNotThruChoice · 17/02/2025 19:14

You will find that you can’t always do the same with child 2 as you did with child 1. Life changes and things happen. So don’t worry

Alifemadelessordinary · 17/02/2025 19:18

Currently 39 weeks with 2nd. I'll have to go back full time with this one whereas I had Fridays off for a year with my DD who is now three.

Unfortunately cost of living has meant we need the extra money and the funded hours means it makes even more financial sense. I do feel really guilty but it can't be helped.

Original poster

Purpledaysareus · 17/02/2025 19:33

Alifemadelessordinary · 17/02/2025 19:18

Currently 39 weeks with 2nd. I'll have to go back full time with this one whereas I had Fridays off for a year with my DD who is now three.

Unfortunately cost of living has meant we need the extra money and the funded hours means it makes even more financial sense. I do feel really guilty but it can't be helped.

Thank you for this. It’s very reassuring. Did you go back up to full time after a year with your 3 year old then?

Everyone I know send their kids in part time, I thought I was in the minority with DD full time

OP posts:

NachoChip · 17/02/2025 19:35

At the same time, your first child got 100% of your attention, your second will have to share you with the first, so maybe it balances out?

lanthanum · 17/02/2025 19:35

It doesn't have to be exactly the same, and I'm not even convinced it's unfair. DC1 will have had lots of your undivided attention after nursery and at weekends. DC2 will only get that undivided attention on your day off.

Completelyjo · 17/02/2025 19:38

Life isn’t going to be the exact same for both kids though, it’s not realistic to think I did X for one so I must do the same. Things change, situations change, priorities change, finances change etc

Quicknamechangequery · 17/02/2025 19:42

I’m on my third and have been back full time since they were 9 months, the other two always had some sort of combination of part time/either me or dh, it’s financial but she’s fine and my bond is the same with them all. Do what you need to do at the time- they don’t know any different. Mum guilt will also be present whatever you do.

Beebsta · 17/02/2025 19:49

It’s not always possible to offer the exact same things to both children. I went back to work PT when my children were 2.5 & 4. So my oldest go an extra 1.5 years with me at home. He also got me to himself for 21 months before his brother came along. Your situation has changed and now you can have an extra day with your DS. It’s not possible to change what happened with your DD at the same age so there isn’t really any point in feeling guilty about it. Maybe just try to find some way to do something special with your daughter on your day off if you feel you need to even it up somehow.

JockTamsonsBairns · 17/02/2025 19:51

Life is never going to be the same for all your DCs? Lifestyles change and adapt to suit your circumstances at the time.

With DC1, my ex-H was a SAHD whilst I worked full-time. DC2 came 10 years later, and he went to nursery full-time.
DC3 came a year after that, and I was a SAHM for the first two years of her life, so didn't require childcare at all.

They're young adults/older teens now, and it hasn't had any impact on my individual relationships with them.
In fact, I doubt they even know or remember who did what.

Just do whatever suits your family at the current stage you're at.

Bournetilly · 17/02/2025 19:52

Your DD got your full attention on your days off where as your DS has always shared you with his sister, so it’ll be nice for him to have some 1:1 time. It can never be 100% fair, I think you just have to do what is right at the time.

My eldest was born in September and youngest in August so eldest got almost a full extra year before starting school (with me 2.5 days a week). But youngest will benefit in other ways, I think they are so lucky to have an older sibling/ someone to play with whereas eldest didn’t have that at the time.

wafflesmgee · 17/02/2025 19:54

Don’t worry about it, they will not remember when they are older
congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you have a more positive experience this time

Parker231 · 17/02/2025 19:55

Purpledaysareus · 17/02/2025 19:33

Thank you for this. It’s very reassuring. Did you go back up to full time after a year with your 3 year old then?

Everyone I know send their kids in part time, I thought I was in the minority with DD full time

Show quote history

My DT’s went to nursery full time from six months (normal maternity leave then). Most of their friends were the same. They have all turned into happy and healthy young adults. Nursery was a very positive experience.

pinkroses79 · 17/02/2025 19:55

She won't remember that though!
I sent my youngest on more days than my eldest and it hasn't affected them!

SnowdaySewday · 17/02/2025 20:20

There will be lots of times when your children will be treated differently.
Fair is not the same as equal. Just by their birth order, they will have different experiences. Your elder child may have had more of your time but your younger child benefits in different ways, e.g. your greater experience as a parent and by having an older sibling.

If you are doing the best you can for each child, given the circumstances at the time, then you are treating them fairly.

Achyarms · 17/02/2025 20:25

DC1 I went back to work at 13 months. Absolutely hated nursery and cried every day for months on end

DC won’t go to nursery as I’m a sahm. Feel guilty all the time about dc1!!!!

Original poster

Purpledaysareus · 17/02/2025 20:58

Thanks so much everyone. I hadn’t ever thought about the fact that DS won’t have had as much one on one time with me in the same way as DD, so that has made things feel less unfair. And good to hear that it’s not actually about being fair but doing your best as life changes. Thanks so much for your words and advice x

OP posts:

Eenameenadeeka · 17/02/2025 22:26

You just have to make the best decisions based on the situation at the time, you were doing your best then so nothing to feel guilty about. And she was the only child who got the be the only child and have full attention, so having a day with just your son will be lovely. Enjoy it and don't feel bad! You've done nothing wrong

Alifemadelessordinary · 18/02/2025 18:08

Purpledaysareus · 17/02/2025 19:33

Thank you for this. It’s very reassuring. Did you go back up to full time after a year with your 3 year old then?

Everyone I know send their kids in part time, I thought I was in the minority with DD full time

Show quote history

My daughter was 10 months when I went back 4 days per week. Then I increased my hours when she was 2 years 3 months so she had almost a year and a half of our Fridays together.

My little boy won't get that I'm afraid. I'll be going back 5 days a week when he is 9 months. I am still having my daughter in nursery a few days a week during maternity leave though, I need to save her place and it does soften the blow that I will get at least some one on one time with DS.

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