Uninterested in-laws and co

[Andfinallyawaferthinmint]

Hello all,
Id like to share my personal experience with my in laws in the hope that it may resonate with some of you and you might like to share your experiences.
My Husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and get along well with each others families. Or so I thought. My family adore my Husband and he has said how loving and welcoming they have been to him. He and my brothers are very close and it’s a joy to see their relationship. My Husband has two siblings and two children from his previous marriage. They are lovely and we get on well. His parents are nice people, they took early retirement and live 30 miles away from us. They rarely accept our invitations to BBQ’s, dinners, family events etc because they say we live too far away. Yet they visit my Father in law’s mother who lives 160 miles away roughly every 3 months. In 5 years they have visited us twice. When they did visit, I felt it palpable they couldn’t wait to leave. They weren’t rude as such but appeared to be uncomfortable and the Easter dinner felt very awkward. If it weren’t for me and my Husband making conversation, I think we would have spent most of it in silence. My Husband and I have visited them I’d say once a month, along with other local family members. The visits are painfully boring and awkward. In the 5 years we have been married, my in laws have never asked me a single question. I have made an effort to get to know them, listen to them talk about themselves and others at length and the conversation has always remained one sided. I’d like to think I’m reasonably good at reading a room and try not to ask too many questions or to pry. But my goodness, it’s like getting blood from a stone. My view is that it’s polite and actually fun getting to know others. The lack of interest and effort is in my opinion, rude and not particularly welcoming. My Husband leaves gift giving to me, which I take no issue with. We have 11 nieces and nephews between us, 6 siblings, both sets of parents, his grandparents and his two children. We have never received anything in return from his side of the family. Not even a thank you. I have always loved spending special occasions with family, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, holy communions etc. Recently we went to my Husbands cousins wedding. It was great, they had so many friends and family and it was lovely to see how popular and loved they are. My Husbands parents had nothing positive to say about the day. The Victor Meldrew types of people drain me and I would normally swerve them in favour of hanging out with people that are more engaging. My brother in law is also pretty miserable and dysfunctional but I’ve always got on well with him by finding common ground and rubbing along together we’ll. He’s unhappily married with 4 children and has been having an on/off affair for longer than I’ve been with my Husband. He regularly moves out of the marital home and into his girlfriends home only to move back into the marital home. This cycle repeats itself a few times a year. Recently I messaged friends and family about a surprise party I’m throwing for my Husbands birthday. When my brother in laws adult daughters replied I said I was looking forward to seeing them at my mother in laws - their grandmothers - birthday meal the following week. They had no idea about the meal and had not been invited. My brother in law sent a pretty rude and angry text to my Husband asking why I was speaking to his daughters and that I’d dropped him in it. Unbeknown to me, my mother in law’s birthday meal was kept hush hush from his children so that their mother didn’t get wind of it and want an invitation. I decided not to go to my mother in laws birthday meal because I’ve had enough of their proverbial. They make me feel like I’m too involved, unwelcome and disliked. Which in itself doesn’t massively bother me, I have plenty of friends and family I’d rather spend time with. I find the dynamics of my in laws and their family completely strange. I’d love to hear your similar experiences.
A brief caveat to add - my family has its pockets of dysfunction and I’m no polly Anna. I’ve made plenty of mistakes as have my family members. We’re all equal on this earth.

Bloody hell that was a very long read.

In short, your inlaws are just completely different to your family.

Good job you don't have to see them much. Count your blessings 🤷‍♂️

It's lovely to be family orientated OP, but it's important to read the room and take your time to establish relationships, especially when coming into a family. Tread softly, and just tone down the enthusiasm a notch maybe, then you won't be offended and they won't be overwhelmed. Different strokes for different folks.

How old is the father in law's mum?

Stop buying presents for family that never reciprocate or even say thank you. Stop making an effort with your in laws. Let your husband deal more with his side of the family and you back off quite a bit.

You just sound pretentious and judgemental. I guess they sense that, and they don’t like you. But as you say, it doesn’t bother you, you’ve got your own family, so just focus on those and let your dh interact with his own family. Sounds like there’s no love lost on either side.

OP, this makes no sense. You go on at length about how awful and/or dull and reserved they are, and then you complain about how they don’t make an effort to see you, or talk to you when they do see you!

That’s like that old joke about the two people complaining about the new restaurant:

Person 1: ‘Such bad food!’
Person 2: ‘And such small portions!’

Hello all,

I'd like to share my personal experience with my in-laws in the hope that it may resonate with some of you, and you might like to share your experiences.

My husband and I have been married for almost five years and get along well with each other's familiesor so I thought. My family adores my husband, and he has said how loving and welcoming they have been to him. He and my brothers are very close, and it's a joy to see their relationship.

My husband has two siblings and two children from his previous marriage. They are lovely, and we get on well. His parents are nice people; they took early retirement and live 30 miles away from us. They rarely accept our invitations to BBQs, dinners, family events, etc., because they say we live too far away. Yet, they visit my father-in-law’s mother, who lives 160 miles away, roughly every three months. In five years, they have visited us twice.

When they did visit, I felt it was palpable that they couldn't wait to leave. They weren't rude as such, but they appeared to be uncomfortable, and the Easter dinner felt very awkward. If it weren't for me and my husband making conversation, I think we would have spent most of it in silence.

My husband and I have visited them once a month, along with other local family members. The visits are painfully boring and awkward. In the five years we have been married, my in-laws have never asked me a single question. I have made an effort to get to know them, listening to them talk about themselves and others at length, but the conversation has always remained one-sided.

I'd like to think I'm reasonably good at reading a room and try not to ask too many questions or pry. But my goodness, it’s like getting blood from a stone. My view is that it's polite and actually fun to get to know others. The lack of interest and effort is, in my opinion, rude and not particularly welcoming.

My husband leaves gift-giving to me, which I take no issue with. We have 11 nieces and nephews between us, six siblings, both sets of parents, his grandparents, and his two children. We have never received anything in return from his side of the family not even a thank you.

I have always loved spending special occasions with family Christmas, Easter, birthdays, holy communions, etc. Recently, we went to my husband's cousin's wedding. It was great; they had so many friends and family, and it was lovely to see how popular and loved they are. My husband's parents had nothing positive to say about the day. The Victor Meldrew types of people drain me, and I would normally swerve them in favor of hanging out with people who are more engaging.

My brother-in-law is also pretty miserable and dysfunctional, but I've always got on well with him by finding common ground and rubbing along together well. He's unhappily married with four children and has been having an on/off affair for longer than I've been with my husband. He regularly moves out of the marital home and into his girlfriend's home, only to move back into the marital home. This cycle repeats itself a few times a year.

Recently, I messaged friends and family about a surprise party I'm throwing for my husband's birthday. When my brother-in-law's adult daughters replied, I mentioned I was looking forward to seeing them at my mother-in-law's (their grandmother's) birthday meal the following week. They had no idea about the meal and had not been invited.

My brother-in-law sent a pretty rude and angry text to my husband, asking why I was speaking to his daughters and saying that I'd 'dropped him in it.' Unbeknownst to me, my mother-in-law's birthday meal was kept hush-hush from his children so that their mother didn't get wind of it and want an invitation.

I decided not to go to my mother-in-law’s birthday meal because I've had enough of their proverbial nonsense. They make me feel like I'm too involved, unwelcome, and disliked. Which, in itself, doesn't massively bother me. I have plenty of friends and family I'd rather spend time with. I find the dynamics of my in-laws and their family completely strange.

I'd love to hear your similar experiences.

A brief caveat to add; my family has its pockets of dysfunction, and I'm no Pollyanna. I've made plenty of mistakes, as have my family members. We're all equal on this earth.

I found your post difficult to follow but the gist of it is your in laws are standoffish with you.

If I had my time again I would tell myself and will be telling my dcs that I can't make people like me, including in laws. I also would take a massive step back and let my husband have time with them on his own. We were very much a package deal when younger, which my husband stood for and I appreciated. Now I'm older... And not that old only mid 30's my view has changed. 0

I would say do not buy any gifts, do not make monthly effort, just leave husband to it. I went to every meal and cup of tea and I look back now and think I was cramping their style, my husband always included me, but I would say I should have declined to go on all visits and only some, maybe once every 3 months instead.

Maybe they wanted time alone with their son, maybe they didn't like me, maybe they were just very different to me. All I know is I spent a lot of years and energy trying to be enthusiastic with them.trying to do thoughtful things etc. But they weren't interested.

I had a near death experience mid 20's and they weren't very interested, I left husband to communicate with them on his own from then on as I was so poorly and he went no contact with them after a year on his own terms.

So yeah I'd just "drop the rope" on this one. Stop doing anything, do nothing. Youre 5 years in, you're not going to change them or make them care about you.

Best wishes x

Thanks to those of you that took the time to read my clumsily constructed post, and for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate the thoughtful and kind replies. Writing isn’t my forte so you’ll have to bear with my less than perfect punctuation/grammar/spelling.

Just shove it through Chat GPT and ask it to paragraph and punctuate.

You DH's parents are not nice people at all.

Stop doing all the 'wife work' for your DH by buying all the presents for his family. They don't reciprocate in any way and don't even say thank you. I wouldn't bother visiting your DH's parents. If he wants to go, just stay at home.

I have a very similar experience and it never gets better. My in laws have all turned against Mr because of my mother in law, so now I keep my distance. Only on Sunday, mil was asking me why I don't go to her house anymore. Some people never let a nice thing remain in tact. Once way or another they have to ruin (relationships) and they drag you down with them.

Against me*

If his family can't make an effort then you need to match their energy. Reduce the visits to them and for heavens sake, stop with the present buying. I'd maybe get gifts for small children but teens and adults, if they can't say thank you or reciprocate, get nothing. If the in laws haven't made an effort with you in 5 years, I doubt they'll start anytime soon.

OP I read it fine and think you sound lovely. I understand the sentiment of wanting to be able to rub along nicely with family, even if they aren’t your perfect cup of tea.

I think it comes from having a relatively functional birth family where everyone manages to flex a little in order to get on. It comes as a shock to meet other families who won’t do this.

As hard as it may be, you might just have to drop the rope a little and see if anyone picks it up. Try to match the energy a little and see if it brings you a bit of peace. Also invest in any relationships that DO bring you joy.

I think if you are sending out loads of gifts but not receiving anything back you probably need to stop doing that. Just send a card instead if you really want to keep the channels open?

How are you reading that?
@Andfinallyawaferthinmint drop the presents and focus on your side of the family.

It just sounds like they have their own lives and things going on. Or maybe they feel like they have 'been there, done that' as it's your husband's second marriage or relationship.

Once a month seems quite a lot to go and visit in laws who are not interested in you at all. I think you need to realise that they are not ever going to be the people who you want them to be.

It's not their fault that you have decided to take on the wife work for his side of the family and send presents when that's not something that anyone on your husband's side does or is interested in.

It's not for you to be surprised that nieces haven't been involved to their grandmother's birthday meal in such a dysfunctional set up.

Well done for winding up the bil I say.
He sounds like a knob.

I’ve just come across another poster (Pumpkincozynights) with similar sentiments to this post. Sharing a part of my reply;

Here’s my theory.

Interesting people are interested.
To be generous with our time, compliments and a genuine listening ear allows others to feel that we welcome and value them. That’s a good building block for meaningful relationships. Some have no inclination, or don’t know how to build healthy, significant relationships. Some seize a perceived opportunity to assert dominance over another. I think this type of reaction comes from a place of insecurity and fear. They feel threatened by your strength to be vulnerable and open hearted.

In my case, my in-laws haven’t shown a nasty side. Instead they have shown an ignorant, and lazy outlook. They show no interest, make no effort, decline invitations, offer no invitations,ask no questions and generally talk about themselves, in particularly their woes. They complain that nobody visits them, though my Husband and I do visit them monthly and invite them to do’s, initiate family gatherings etc. They’re no shrinking violets and have very strong, often sexist and racist opinions. Their self inflicted loneliness and habitual negativity is sad to witness. You can lead a horse to water…

The irony wasn’t wasted on me either 😂

They aren’t that into you.

That doesn’t make them lazy or ignorant, just not particularly compatible.

I mean where is your husband in all this?

if my DB phoned up my husband and gave him a load of grief for dropping him in it I’d have explained if HE had
a. Told us his “genius masterplan”
or
b. More obviously…. Just been able to keep his dick in his pants…

he wouldn’t be having this problem…and that he owes you an apology

going forward:
I’d be either delegating gifts or if you must keep buying, I’d give the bare minimum crappest generic gifts you can get away with or £10 in a card.

social events I’d be opting out fairly regularly for the lamest of reasons.

Drop the rope…

Please say you are stopping all unthanked presents, stopping all visits and dropping the rope entirely. What exactly makes you want to spent time with hateful people, who seem to hate you too?

Thanks so much for bringing up my brother in-law, your reaction was exactly the same as my own. My husband agreed but I don’t think he put his brother right. Which is disappointing.

The truth being exposed was inevitable and it gave him the opportunity to take accountability. His response was to attack and blame. As the saying goes, “The best form of defense is attack”.

A few years ago his wife and daughter called my husband in the middle of the night hysterically crying. Allegedly they all got into a physical fight and his daughter ended up with a black eye from my brother in-law. To this day I believe them and it disturbs me. My Husband and Mother in-law are adamant that he would never lay a finger on them. If anyone’s interested to hear more about him, I could expand, but I’ll spare you all another essay!

As I mentioned in my original post, my Husbands family are dysfunctional. There’s a real air of tension and secrecy.

I agree with you and others that have suggested knocking the gift giving on the head. Not because I don’t receive anything in return, but for the lack of gratitude. Scrap that, the lack of acknowledgement. I can think of plenty of other ways to spend hard earned money.