Feeling rubbish about differences in relationship

[FTMaz]

Hi everyone,

feel like it would help me to get some other perspectives on this. I’m a FTM and my DS has just turned 1. My Mum is a great help and will have DS overnight if we plan in advance. Because we haven’t done this myself and my partner have not had a night together for a while but have on planned next week. My partner has made comments in the past about getting a babysitter for our son. However I do not feel comfortable leaving him with someone I do not know. I have worked in child protective services for many years and feel this makes me more cautious, rightly or wrongly so. My partner’s mum has never offered to look after DS even for a couple of hours and makes very little effort with him. I sometimes feel that my partner insinuates my mum should have him more yet doesn’t see an issue with his mum not helping us.

my partner has made comments about needing to ‘have a life’ whereas my view is our life is with our son and doing things with him. I’d much rather take him out then go out and drink and be hungover etc. I sometimes feel like he makes out his life is now boring since having a child.

im not sure how to rectify the situation, yes my mum would have DS more often if I asked but im not really that bothered whereas clearly my partner is.

is it wrong to think like this and should I make more effort to go out just me and my partner? I feel that you can’t do right for doing wrong.

Your partner is clearly telling you he feels he needs time to be him and for you together to be a couple, rather than just being "dad" and parents.
If you value your relationship then i think you do need to listen and give him that time or things could end up broken.
His mum not helping out is a separate issue but shes got every right to not be willing to be childcare, if your mum is then great, but the time will come you need to let someone else in to care for your son, or nursery etc will come as a big shock to him.

Neither of you are wrong.
If you are happy with your mum having him then why not plan a night out together? It doesn’t have to be getting drunk and having a hangover, go bowling or to the cinema or ice skating, something fun to reconnect with each other. Sometimes in those early months and years I can be easy to get so caught up in being mum that you neglect other parts of your life and forget about the other sides of you.

Check out the Gottman marriage books, there's also one for new families. I get where you are coming from for sure, but as the other poster said, your husband is giving a message here and it would be useful to hear it. You are not wrong but you are the mum and you feel differently to him as the dad. Don't be downhearted, I think this is natural x

And yes his mum not wanting to look after dc is fine. Not all grandparents want to do it which is a shame but that’s a separate thing.

Grandparents don't exist purely to babysit their grandchildren. Your mum is happy to and his isn't, and that's fine.

You don't need to drink so much alcohol that you end up hungover, in fact you don't need to drink it at all.

But I agree with PPs that your partner appears to want you two to be more than 'just parents' 24/7.

If you really don't fancy going out, suggest he goes out more often with his friends.

We've found we can't rely on family help for different reasons, often they've had doctors or hospital appointments and have had to cancel on us. The most successful times we've had as a pair have been taking the day off work when DS is in nursery and having brunch/lunch out. Different to what we used to do but can definitely make the most of it.

Having kids puts huge amount of strain on relationships- you may well find once the child is grown you don't really have a marriage anymore. Your DH is telling you clearly he needs to have something more occasionally and I think you'd do well to listen.

So, I can see both sides to this but I do lean on the side of your partner.

You're not just a mum and he's not just a dad and your son isn't the only important part in your relationship. When your son has all grown up and wants to go out with his friends and his world doesn't revolve around you, then it's just you and DP and you're going to need that connection with him which is why it's important to maintain it. There is nothing wrong with your mum looking after your son once in a while while you spend a bit of time, alone, with your partner. He's trying to tell you that he needs that and you're ignoring him. And I'm sorry, but a lot of parenting is boring and mundane and it's actually quite a compliment that he wants to still wine & dine and have fun with you! However, that doesn't mean you have to get shitfaced and have an hangover either!

Hi
he does 2 hours a day in a crèche at the moment and will be starting half days at nursery. He also spends days with my aunt and my mum so it’s not that I won’t allow anyone else to care for him. In a childcare setting I feel more comfortable as there is more than one member of staff etc but a ‘babysitter’ I don’t feel comfortable with.

Yeah but you don't need a babysitter because you said your mum would have him with advance warning, so just ask your mum?

Looks like I'm alone here but I'm with you. Id never leave my 1 year old with a babysitter. We have no family locally for childcare, so we don't go out but we spend plenty of time together as a couple in the evenings when the children are asleep. I think when your baby is older you will find it easier and they might have more time with grandparents and maybe time with their friends, but at this age I think doing things as a family is great.

You are being very neglectful of f your relationship

He is talking to you about his needs and you are clearly not prepared to meet him half way

He had a child - he did don’t give up on sex, date nights and fun! Or did he?

you decide and do try to stop taking him for granted

thinking your wants are more important is very dangerous-

The thing is, you're not just mum & dad, you're also a couple. Your DH is expressing his desire to spend time with you as a couple and it's healthy for your relationship to make time for each other too. It's about getting a balance between family time and adult time. You don't have to drink to excess - you can go for a nice meal, to see a film, a comedy club, a spa night etc. You're lucky to have your mum who is happy to look after your little one! Plan a few nights out with your DH and have fun!

I don’t think either of you are wrong really. It is nice to go out as a couple and have a little date baby free, but at the same time I’d only leave my LO with family. I wouldn’t use a babysitting service.
Sometimes the nursery staff offer baby sitting services outside their working hours, so this could be something to look into maybe? You don’t have to get drunk to excess, you could go the pictures or for a walk and a pub lunch.

You have to make the effort to do couple-y things.
Take it from me (divorced)!