Issues with in laws - do I say something and if so, what?

[OvertiredAndUnderwhelmed]

Me and DH have two children together (2.5 and 1). DH’s parents divorced when he was young and he has a half sibling on each side who both have one child each. As our children get older I am becoming increasingly sad at the difference in how his parents treat his siblings to him and their children to ours. This is probably exacerbated after losing my mum last year (my dad died when I was a child).
There is a long list of examples I could give but to exemplify - MIL has her other grandchild over night every other weekend whereas we are still waiting for her to give us a Sunday afternoon she can watch our two so we can go out for dinner for my birthday…which was 6 months ago.
FIL and his wife regularly pop round to see DH’s half sibling and grandchild but never do to us - despite DH saying this to them. We are about a 5 minute drive from them. We asked if they could watch our two for an hour at their house the other day due to work commitments and were told if they MUST but would only watch them at our house. They made such a fuss we made alternative arrangements.
AIBU to feel sad my children? And does anyone have any advice on how best to tackle this? Thank you.

How was their divorce OP? I ask because I feel like I often see children of first families punished second hand well into adulthood if a divorce was brutal. I have a friend whose MIL barely speaks to them because her DH “reminds her so much of his dad” it’s not the first time I’ve heard of situations like that.

sad as it is they don’t want a relationship and I would accept that and stop forcing it

if your dh wants to say something that’s up to him but I would not be contacting them and leave it up to them

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What if you asked them over for dinner or for a cuppa? What would they say? Is it only looking after your DC they get like this?

Very amicable tbh - they both have acted questionably towards DH when he was younger though and have caused a lot of issues around rejection for him. He hates confrontation now and has let them walk all over him for most of his life. Now it is impacting the children he is starting to challenge them a little more.

Are you waiting g for MIL to suggest a Sunday? Could dh text her tonight and say "Mum, could you do X Y or Z Sundays please as I want to take OP out for a meal"

Imo they have reinvented themselves as fab dps to the New Dc and (therefore the dgc) . .. They feel they failed dh with the divorce.. Seeing him brings that back.

Do you ever ask to spend time with them when you’re NOT asking for childcare?

They are often ‘busy’ - MIL didn’t see our youngest until she was 2.5 months old despite DH inviting her round. She later admitted she had lied about being busy because she was upset a photo had been posted on Instagram of the baby and she had not been sent it separately. To add salt to the wound, my own mother died 11 days after our youngest was born after a long illness so as I’m sure you can understand I have been less inclined to invite his family round after this kind of behaviour!

It sucks but I wouldn't say anything, that should be up to your husband. I would just forget about them, and then you won't feel as disappointed by them.

You don't say anything, no. Your DH's family -- he deals with issues, if there are issues. I mean, it's hardly surprising if they're closer to the other grandchild if they're closer to that child's parent.

I just think you're basically saying 'Why don't you love DH as much as your child by someone other than DH's father/mother?' Which is unanswerable.

Also, are you saying this is the case with one half-sibling and that half-sibling's child, or are you saying that both DH's mother and father prioritise the children they had in their later marriages and those children's children?

Yes DH regularly reaches out to them. Will go for a pint with FIL or take MIL for afternoon tea while I watch the children. I will admit I do not particularly want to spend time with them so am less likely to reach out 😂

It is the case on both sides with both half siblings however one is actually older than DH. As he does not outwardly appear to be doing as well as DH nor have a present father, MIL feels the need to overcompensate which I understand to an extent but it is, in my view, to the extreme.

Well I suspect therein lies part of the problem. They feel they’re good enough for you when you want a favour but not at other times… why couldn’t the kids have gone to FILs when they’re only 5 minutes from you? I wonder if you’re putting self-fulfilling barriers up because you feel they come up short against your DM and a lot of that has got bound up with your grief around her death…

@OvertiredAndUnderwhelmed in that case, you don't need them in your life.
Cut them off, focus on your beautiful nuclear family. Sod them. They sound awful!

The reason we asked them to have them at theirs was logistical as we would have already been driving and on tight timings - they were aware of this.
They behaved poorly before the death of my own mother. There are barriers but they are from things like being screamed at whilst pregnant and holding my first born in my arms as we had sent a picture of the ultrasound that they knew we were going for but no written message. As mentioned in my original post, there are lots of examples from both sides but I would be here until I was a grandparent myself writing them out!

OP looks after the kids so that her husband can go and do nice things with his parents. Surely it's right that their own son is the one to approach them about occasionally looking after his children?

OP will be sad that her kids have lost one grandmother and the other grandmother isn't bothered about OP's children at all.

@OvertiredAndUnderwhelmed I don’t, at all, suggest the conflation of your DMs death and your in laws critically btw. I remember raging with a visceral anger when DM died and there were these other absolute unworthy fuckers still walking the earth! Really struggled with it. But I guess it depends if you want to try and move past the resentment or not in terms of your children having any relationship of substance with your in laws.

I feel sorry for your husband - it must be very hurtful