To have stormed out

[Risabella]

Our dd (3.5) goes to sleep at 7. Today she was fighting sleep, only by a bit. I also have an 8 month old. Husband has the job of putting dd to bed. She is resisting sleep and just might not be tired yet. He comes out of her room after trying to get her to sleep to no avail and instantly blames me for letting our baby make noise (which I haven’t.) Baby and I are chilling in my room on the bed with the door closed. Maybe she’s babbling but definitely not making a ruckus. He storms in, turns off my light while I’m reading, not so nicely says we are loud and have to pretend to be sleep in order for dd to go to sleep. I didn’t like his approach but I offer to take baby on a walk if it’s really that distracting. He gets angry and says I’m trying to argue. It’s the opposite, I was trying to relax! He has deadlines at work he is trying to meet so I understand why his stressed but I’m also tired with baby and did not appreciate his tone. He leaves me with both kids as if to say you deal with it. I’m now in the same horrible mood he is and go to the car for some fresh air. He does not stop dd running out after me and says it’s my fault because I left the door open and not to get cheeky. Which I guess is right but he said it in a horrible manner. Refusing to be talked down to anymore, I stormed out with baby to go to a nearby friends house.

Wow, he doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you at the moment. Is he often like this? Would he listen if you explained to him how awful he's been to you once he's calmed down?

He is normally very loving. Even when I left he called me and was still very heated about this situation. Called me selfish and ungrateful, the whole lot. His spinning this whole situation on me and I do admit I shouldn’t have given him any reaction but it’s hard when someone enters your personal space all guns blazing. I still feel very sad about the situation and hope he is alright but I’m not ready to go back and argue.

I guess he's exhausted and just lost his temper?

Happens to everyone at some point i suppose.

I'd be making clear though that that shit can't happen again. No way does he get to speak to you like that.

Does he need a short break?

Yanbu at all, I would've left too.

Well I'm stubborn so I'd have kicked him out and pledged to raise our children alone whilst calling him useless. But that's not the approach here 🤭

Lmao. I had to bite my tongue hehe. I think is stressed with work to be honest; normally I am very understanding when he is tired or a bit out of sorts. This time seemed like he was treated me like a child by turning off my lights and demanding me to pretend to be sleeping. And he was raising his voice at me in front of the kids. I felt attacked and hurt.

I agree, there's no need to lose it like that and treat you like you're not the most important woman in his life

He should be calling to apologise and make clear that it won't happen again, and you'd be right in insisting on that x

OP, you need to consider what message it sends your DD to take her sibling and leave her when she was following you outside.

Either take both kids or no kids. My mother did this whenever she argued with my father, and it’s damaging behaviour.

He told you "not to get cheeky". Fuck that shit!

I know. You’re 100% right.

Is this regular or was it out of character

I this most of us can relate to not having our finest hour in moments like this I certainly have

YANBU,

You need to think how your DD felt with you storming off with her sibling and leaving her left like that on her own, that's fucking horrible.

So the child is being difficult and instead of thinking " this child is being difficult, this sucks, but it's my chikd and I gitta dobwhat I gotta do"... he blames you and gets angry at you.

He is a dick. All the behaviour you describe is dickishnesd. You say he is normally very loving. It isceasy to be very loving when things are going well - I bet you manage it. But when things are not going well are preciselybwhen you need someone to be loving.

And he isn't - he is being very immature. He needs to recognise that he is using you as a target, is physically aggressive (turning off your light) and this is not on.

And as for calling you cheeky?! What adult uses that term to another adult!

That did did it for me, too. Don't know why, butbit just presses my button.

Daddy can handle it, I'm sure.
He can explain why he was shouting at Mummy at the same time. It might give him thecreality check he so clearly needs.

Not everyone is in the U.K. time zone.

I'd have offered to switch, give him the baby and you deal with DD. I'm not sure running away, leaving a distressed toddler with someone tired, exhausted and short tempered was the best approach.

Clearly he doesn't cover himself in glory here either, but it just didn't feel like you were working in partnership here.

I wonder, though, if she had stayed.

He was angry, verbally abusing her, physically dominating her ( turning the.lights off might sound like a bit of a nothing, but if you're the one being aggressed it is extremely disoncenting and very controlling of him) and just being overall abusive. If she'd stayed, she would either have progressed from cheeky to lippy and ended up with a black eye; or she'd have shut up and taken what he doled out quietly, in which case they've recalibrated their relationship and he now knows what she'll take ( quiteva lot).

I think the OP did the right thing. Unless she comes on here and tells me that she doesn't trust her husband not to hurt the toddler.

Ungrateful for what, exactly? Are you supposed to be prostrate with gratitude because your husband does a bit of parenting?

Has he heard of noise cancelling headphones?

He called you cheeky? Like he's your dad or something??

I think you have both acted in the wrong way, but you’ve taken it too far by storming out to the car and then leaving with just the baby when your other child had followed you outside. Imagine how she’s feeling now!

I feel sorry for your DD - mum went off in a huff and left her after she followed OP.

Husband is obviously being an arse but if a one off would let it go after a chat when you have both calmed down. But basically driving away from the DD doesn't cover OP in glory

Exactly this. What was more important, getting her settled and asleep or storming off to make a point? Your 3 year came running out of the house after you, no doubt upset and worried by the commotion, and you and the baby just kept going? Did you tell her where?

He was stroppy and a prick but I find your reaction unfathomable. You didn’t win and any point you might have made to him is surely strongly undermined by upsetting your daughter.