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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ILs and DH should utilise this opportunity better

53 replies

FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:29

MIL has no savings. FIL died 10 years ago. DH has one sister who rents with her husband. DH earns well and bought his parents' council house outright. The house is in Bedford. The house has been vacant since FIL died. MIL lives in her sister's council flat in London. SIL is also in London. MIL doesn't want to live alone. Their family home in Bedford is like a ghost house of a family who once lived there.

AIBU to think it is such a waste that they won't rent it out? It could all go into MIL's savings and offer her a much more comfortable life. She lives incredibly frugally, wears a woolly hat and coat indoors. I just feel like things could be so much better.

MIL refuses to throw anything out or organise things in the Bedford home. She won't go back to live in the house. SIL isn't interested in the house. DH doesn't want to sell as neither MIL nor SIL have a property of their own and would like there to be somewhere as a back up (I agree too although generally not any of my business).

However, the house, having been vacant for a decade is becoming increasingly unliveable. It is a mess - no furniture covered in sheets, dishes still out. I just don't understand how they can leave a property empty and not make the most of it. I think it's so irresponsible. I feel like my IL's could be futureproofing and preparing for the future in a more savvy way. AIBU? What would you do if that was your family house?

OP posts:
Anotherdayanotherdollar · 17/02/2025 15:32

Why would the money go to MILs savings if its DHs house?? Why can't he just throw everything out? If he bought the house it's his!!

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 17/02/2025 15:33

I'm a bit confused as to why this is your MIL's decision - it seems that she neither owns the house or lives in it? I appreciate it might be really hard for her emotionally to clear the house but it's your DH's asset that's depreciating. However, I also can't work out from the post what he wants to do (other than not sell it).

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2025 15:33

Who's paying the council tax?

I8toys · 17/02/2025 15:34

If she's not going back it needs to be cleared so you can sell it and get your money back. It will need maintaining so a conversation needs to be had. My cousins left their mums house for a bit and a pipe burst - left a hell of a mess to be sorted out. Don't leave it too late.

rubyslippers · 17/02/2025 15:34

It’s your DH’s house
he can do whatever he wants
why doesn’t he see it that way?

Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:35

Sorry I should have clarified. DH bought the house for his parents. I believe it is in his mum's name. DH grew up in a council home his whole life and really wanted to buy his parents a permanent place for peace of mind.
It is not intended for DH and he bought it for them before we even met.

Edit: none of DH's things are in the house but all of my IL's belongings are there as well as some of SIL's things as she moved out a lot later than DH did. Therefore he doesn't feel like he can just get rid of their stuff.

I suggested to move it all into storage and get decorators in and rent out but when DH suggested it to MIL she became really emotional and cried and said it wasn't a decision she could make and she doesn't want to talk about it. This was about 3 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:38

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2025 15:33

Who's paying the council tax?

I think it comes out of MIL's pension.

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 17/02/2025 15:41

I can understand your frustration OP but I don't think there's anything you can do. It's her house, it's up to her, sad though it may be.

Is it being kept structurally sound - heated, not getting damp etc.?

TY78910 · 17/02/2025 15:43

How long ago was the property purchased?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 15:46

It's absolutely bonkers. Your MIL should agree to your husband clearing it out, giving her any valuables or important paperwork, and then renting it out. Ten years, ffs!

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 15:46

Your husband sounds lovely, BTW.

Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:47

Pootles34 · 17/02/2025 15:41

I can understand your frustration OP but I don't think there's anything you can do. It's her house, it's up to her, sad though it may be.

Is it being kept structurally sound - heated, not getting damp etc.?

It is not being kept heated. I think they visit once a year roughly to mow the lawn, pick up post etc. It's mid-terraced and their poor neighbours message every now and again things like how the bush is so overgrown it's caused a fence to fall over onto a public path.

OP posts:
Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:47

TY78910 · 17/02/2025 15:43

How long ago was the property purchased?

2015

OP posts:
Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:49

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 15:46

Your husband sounds lovely, BTW.

He is, really truly a very kind soul.

OP posts:
Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:51

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 15:46

It's absolutely bonkers. Your MIL should agree to your husband clearing it out, giving her any valuables or important paperwork, and then renting it out. Ten years, ffs!

I prodded him a while ago to bring it up with MIL but he said he doesn't want to push her to tears... And then also everyone else is fine with the "decision" on the house ie. to leave it as is. And so I don't feel like I can do anything really. I'd I ever bring it up, DH will remind me how the decision isn't in his hands. And so it remains in a state of inertia.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/02/2025 15:52

I think you need to tackle it from the approach that the council is cracking down on unoccupied properties so the time has come to deal with it. So how unfair it is on the neighbours for it being neglected.

I agree move everything into storage pay for it out of the rent.

I8toys · 17/02/2025 15:53

Its sounds harsh and I don't mean to but you need to make it clear that if she isn't going to do it someone will go through and skip it when the time comes to clear it. No one knows the memories like she does - she is best to go and get what she wants and the things that mean a lot to her.

Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:54

RandomMess · 17/02/2025 15:52

I think you need to tackle it from the approach that the council is cracking down on unoccupied properties so the time has come to deal with it. So how unfair it is on the neighbours for it being neglected.

I agree move everything into storage pay for it out of the rent.

What are they doing about unoccupied properties? Could it be repossessed or might they be fined?

The ridiculous thing is that the family really do need the money. And if anything is needed it comes out of DH's pocket. And we are increasingly unable to fund it (because of our own growing family).

OP posts:
DeepFatFried · 17/02/2025 15:56

If I was your DH I would be very very frustrated with this.

He spent a considerable sum to give his parents some security and his Mum is squandering it.

It’s a fine line to avoid being controlling because he gave them a gift but I think if I was him I would have a heart to heart with his Mum and say he bought the house because he wanted his parents to have security and it troubles him to see her struggling when she could be enjoying more income. Also maybe say to her that she feels emotional about the house so wouldn’t it be better to be kept in good order and looked after? That damp will be destroying it with not being lived in.

Original poster
FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:57

DeepFatFried · 17/02/2025 15:56

If I was your DH I would be very very frustrated with this.

He spent a considerable sum to give his parents some security and his Mum is squandering it.

It’s a fine line to avoid being controlling because he gave them a gift but I think if I was him I would have a heart to heart with his Mum and say he bought the house because he wanted his parents to have security and it troubles him to see her struggling when she could be enjoying more income. Also maybe say to her that she feels emotional about the house so wouldn’t it be better to be kept in good order and looked after? That damp will be destroying it with not being lived in.

If he is frustrated, he isn't showing it. I do wonder if his apathy is a symptom of depression (unrelated to all of this)

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/02/2025 15:59

💯 rent it out.

What's the point in allowing the property rot away.

aodirjjd · 17/02/2025 16:00

If he is using family money to support MIL in her day to day because she is paying for an empty house then I think it is your business and I’d put a stop to that.

Stop funding her and I’m soon she’ll soon realise she needs to sell it .

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 16:01

"Right, that's enough, Mum. I'm going to the house at the weekend and I'll get anything worth having. Then I'll call in a builder and get it all made good. You can either live in it then or rent it out. I didn't spend all that money just for you to waste it. Wife and I are struggling now and can't afford do do anything more to it after this. No arguments - let me know by Friday evening what you plan to do. If I don't hear from you I'll get a house clearance company in to empty it."

thepariscrimefiles · 17/02/2025 16:02

FleursDeFilles · 17/02/2025 15:54

What are they doing about unoccupied properties? Could it be repossessed or might they be fined?

The ridiculous thing is that the family really do need the money. And if anything is needed it comes out of DH's pocket. And we are increasingly unable to fund it (because of our own growing family).

Show quote history

Councils are charging double council tax if a property is left empty for more than 12 months.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/crack-down-on-long-term-empty-homes

BlondeStreaks · 17/02/2025 16:03

Clear it out, pain and furnish and rent it out. Get a nice income for someone.