To ask you for a healthy approach to conflict like this

[Newandimproved2]

In all of my past relationships I’ve had
an unhealthy attitude towards conflict. My parents argued horribly and it was very toxic, and that always followed into my own behaviour in relationships. Not that I was intentionally difficult, but I had massive rejection sensitivity and abandonment issues, so the smallest slight would result in me acting like I’d been mortally wounded.

I have done a lot of work on myself and spent 5 years single.

I’m now with a wonderful man and I’ve enjoyed letting go of that side of my personality and just being happy.

Today, about 6 months in, we’ve just had our first proper argument. He phoned me to say hi, and I asked him about a very stressful situation at work. I was taken aback when he bluntly said he didn’t want to talk about it. It was totally fair but his tone was very harsh. It was really cutting.

I pointed out he’d called me and I wasn’t sure what to talk about instead.

We sat in silence for a long time before he said “I’m too much in my own head today. I need to hang up”. And did. He followed up a few mins later with a short apology text “sorry you’re upset” which I’ve not replied to.

(The above is a shortened version but it gives the gist).

Now, I really am sad about the exchange, but I also acknowledge it wasn’t actually about me. He was quite abrupt and rude, however.

In the past this would’ve sent me over the edge. I’d have been telling him I wanted to break up, or ignoring him, or something horribly unhealthy, I’d have made it very much about me. I really don’t want to go back into those behaviours!

I don’t want to entirely let it go, however, because he really was rude and my feelings also count. It feels disingenuous and maybe a bit overindulgent to tell him it’s totally fine.

What’s the next move here to keep things healthy and communicative? But also to stop myself catastrophising that this is the end of the world?

I know MN has a tendency to demonise men and go down the LTB road, but he really is a good good guy and this one episode is not reflective of the rest of his behaviour.

I would read up on healthy communication and assertiveness. You could look into DBT which might help you regulate your emotions.

I'm not getting the drama regarding the event earlier. He was abrupt then apologised. I'd move on.

It was more the hanging up than the abruptness. No one wants to be hung up on (I assume!)

He didn't just hang up on you, he said that he wasn't in the right headspace for a conversation and that he was going to go. He then apologised. I would accept the apology as he's obviously stressed and move on.

At what point was he rude? You asked about something, he said he didn’t want to talk about it (which he is fully entitled to do). You then did some passive aggressive silent treatment, so he said he thought it best to end the call.

You are now ignoring his messages (more passive aggressive behaviour)

You need to learn how to communicate like an adult.

“how’s X”
”I don’t want to talk about it”
”ok, but if I you ever do you know where I am”

Don't make a drama out of it.

I'd just text back something like,
"I'm sorry you're having such a stressful time and I completely respect your wish not to talk about it. Yes, I was upset at how abrupt you were. I won't tolerate rudeness in our relationship going forward, but apology accepted with sincere hopes you find a way through it all. Give me a call when you're in a better frame of mind.

I really wasn’t the one being silent. If anything it was him. I kept attempting small talk and I’d get one word answers to everything, which resulted in us just sitting in silence.

The way I do it is I treat the people in my family and the people I love and care about better than I do anyone else.

If I wouldn't speak to my boss or a hulking great bouncer outside a nightclub in a certain way, I wouldn't speak like that to my children or my husband.

You obviously have changed as you have said yourself you would have done things differently in previous relationships.

I think you have to decide what you want to achieve by 'not letting it go'.

Is it that you want him to acknowledge that he spoke to you harshly?

Maybe reply

'I am upset because I feel like you spoke to me harshly when I asked how (whatever it is) went'.

Do you think that someone from work was in hearing distance so he was unable to to talk about the situation, my dh would be quite abrupt at that point as would not find it easy to say so and so is in the room we will chat later etc.
in which case he’s not really being rude more not handling it well

My DH can be like this when he's really stressed. He doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants to know that someone's there. I would have been a bit hurt but would understand and then just move on from it. There are lots of reasons people may not always behave perfectly in a situation and I generally like to give people some slack, especially if it's out of character or there's a lot going on.

I don't see the argument there. He was short with you, yes. You say he's very stressed. It's not ideal for a person to let their stress/bad mood affect how they treat other people, but it's very human and normal!

Points in his favour

1. He realised his mood was affecting how he was treating you and removed himself. Nothing was allowed to escalate. He made sure to nip it in the bud.
2. He saw that he was the problem
3. He recognised he'd upset you
4. He text you to appologise

I think he's a keeper! And it was handled very well.

I understand that you don't want to tell him it's fine, because you are/were upset and that's disingenuous, so thank him for the apology and you can state your feelings again if you want to, then move on...

Something like "Thanks for saying sorry earlier, I was a bit upset about our conversation. What are we having for tea?"

Personally I'd also ask him if he's doing OK and tell him you're there for him

I think when he told you he didn't want to talk about it I'd have just changed the subject. The situation became awkward when you said you didn't know what else to talk about.

I think you could have addressed the sharpness of his tone later by telling him he sounded angry you'd asked and he only needed to say he didn't want to talk about it and you'd have respected that. Tbh he could have said he didn't want to talk about it right now and changed the subject too.

I don't think he's apologised, he's said he's sorry you are upset. There is a difference.

I don't think either of you have communicated particularly well here. Maybe it's just one of those random misunderstandings it's best not to overthink or maybe it's part of a pattern of poor communication but only you know that.

Him hanging up was the best thing under the circumstances and he did tell you he was going to do that rather than slamming the phone down.

I'd leave well alone at the moment and maybe discuss it when you're both calm if you still feel the need to.

Accept his apology and move on. We can all be snappy or abrupt when stressed out and part of being in a relationship is accepting when someone says sorry and forgiving. Surely if you'd been snappy with him and apologised, you wouldn't expect him to keep on about it? In the grand scheme of things, this is not something to have a prolonged row about!

I've said LTB on here more often than I've had hot dinners, but in this case I'd sit and wait. See what he does now. You're only six months in and he's shown a side to him that you don't like. It is difficult if you've got a lot on your mind and someone asks you about it when you don't want to talk, so I can understand him not wanting to discuss it right then, but putting the phone down on someone isn't good and neither is saying, "Sorry you're upset" when he's the one who's upset you.

Just wait and see. Let him reveal more of his character before you make a decision.

OP, this really isn’t a “proper argument”. It’s a bit of miscommunication, a poorly chosen moment, and as for hanging up, maybe he thought that was best and then texted to hope you were ok. This is not a molehill to trip over and “end it all”. Honestly.

He was stressed and he apologised, so I'd let it go now, but I'd also not have done the 'sitting in silence'. If someone was giving me one-word answers I'd have said, 'look, this conversation is really uncomfortable, with your one-word answers, so rather than struggle with it, I'm going now so you can focus on what you need to. See you later/love you' (however you usually say goodbye).

We don't tell people our boundaries, we demonstrate them. I don't do one-sided conversations with people being moody.

It seems to me this is less about conflict management (as there isn't a conflict here as such) than about communication in that you obviously like to chat about things and share details of your daily life and stresses (which is healthy) and he appears to only want to do that when he is in the mood, and if not, he is abrupt. This will need to be navigated carefully to make sure you let him know how his response made you feel (rejected, belittled...) and that it was hurtful. Instead of giving him a talking-to, it might be more productive to have an open conversation about your respective needs for communication/modes of communication.

I think you should let this one go. He wasn't in a good frame of mind and there was no facial expression to soften things. It's also the first time in 6 months he's put a foot wrong. Part of healthy relationship management is knowing when least said is soonest mended. And I think this is that time. You open this up again and you risk things escalating from small, petty and apologised for to a bigger drama, and I don't think its worth it. If it starts to be a pattern, then you speak up of course.

Well he apologised which is good. I'd probably just chat to him when I saw him. It's not a big deal. Was he hangry too by any chance? My DH can get snipey when he's hungry I've realised, so I tell him to eat something then talk to me!