To expect husband to help with childcare when I’m ill?

[WillowLeaves]

I’ve been ill with the flu all week and MIL has helped look after our 8-month old on days when I could barely drag myself out of bed.

On the weekend I woke up feeling worse, with a lot of chest pain and shortness of breath. I have a history of chest infections that have required hospitalisation in the past. Now my husband always plays football on Saturdays: he’s out from noon to early evening, leaving me with the baby (I don’t have an equivalent time for myself, although he has offered in the past). I told him that I’m feeling worse with intense chest pain and could do with some help, but he decided I looked well enough so went to his football anyway.

When he got back in the evening, my temperature had soared. Am I right in being angry and upset? He insists that he thought I’d be fine (“one always feels worse in the mornings”, “you seemed much better yesterday”, “you didn’t have a temperature when I left”). Would really appreciate your perspectives on this!

Yes, he’s a shit husband and probably a shit father as well.

Another useless piece of shit who should have stayed single and child free

YANBU, but I think you know that.

And I’d start carving out the equivalent Me Time while he’s still vaguely conscious of the inequity, because as time goes on your own free time will become less and less of a priority to him.

Yet another crap Dad

I'd be furious and reassessing if I actually wanted to be with such a selfish man.

Did he help in Sunday? And care for you and your baby? Or was there another excuse then too?

Also him parenting his own child isn’t ‘helping you’ it’s basic parenting

It's not 'help with childcare' it's called being a parent and partner!

I would find yourself a hobby that gets you out of the house regularly so he gets reminded of this...
https://www.facebook.com/reel/508552208460227/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

Oh dear oh dear. Hope you soon get better.
Another useless, self centred partner.
Don’t waste your life with him.
Life is too short.
Get a life plan in motion which doesn’t include him.
Good luck.

I posted a similar thread a the weekend! Although my kids are a bit older so not as much work, but he just left them with screens all day and left lots of dirty dishes lying around, I was furious! I am very rarely ill and it's not like he couldn't have stepped up for one day!

Another selfish shit father

He allows you and your mother to do the parenting

It's not childcare, it's parenting.

Don't have another child with this man unless things change for a prolonged period of time.

You said it all when you referred to it as "helping with childcare".
It's not childcare - it's parenting.
Yet another selfish prick.
Could you imagine if he was ill in bed and you went swanning off out for 6+ hours to a hobby leaving him with the baby? - No, thought not.
Why do some women tolerate this shit?!

Who the hell is he playing for, Manchester United?
Come on, a footy match lasts 1 hour and 45 minutes. So no way is it lasting that long.
He's taking the piss on a weekly basis.

This

You don't need 'help', you need him to parent his child. What a twat.

Whilst I agree that he should have stopped up this week football can quite easily take from noon until early evening when you factor in travel, warm up, match etc. Anyone with kids who play sport would know that is the case. The unreasonable part is he left her to deal with the child whe she was unwell.

Thanks so much for all your responses! It’s really helpful to have that outside perspective - I’ve had this gnawing feeling of resentment about our unequal division of labour for some time, but I’d started to question myself. This last incident with me being sick was just the final straw.

I understand why you’ve picked up on my ‘childcare’ wording; that was quite unintentional, but maybe more revealing now that I think about it. We’ve somehow fallen into a routine where I do the vast majority of parenting (and housework), including on weekends. My husband works long hours, but even when he’s off work, he has way more ‘me time’ (his half-day of football, going for a run at least once a week, occasionally meeting up with friends in the evenings etc). I basically have no time for myself. He has said he can take over if I want to start a hobby or something, but he rarely if ever picks up anything proactively. I know it’s on me to assert myself and carve out that time for myself, but I haven’t been in the best frame of mind to pick up a hobby, because I recently lost my mum.

Sorry for the ramble… I think the situation on Saturday has really opened my eyes a bit. Thanks again for the support!

Please, please do something for yourself. Even if it's a browse in a shop, coffee/lunch go for it. Don't let this continue. Assert yourself. He's having it all his way at the moment.

Sorry OP, I think that's pretty rubbish of your husband.

Just seen your update and yes - it's parenting not child care.

From your OP: 'but he decided I looked well enough so went to his football anyway'. So your when do your feelings and needs come into it. He decided you were well enough? Jeez.

Wow - selfish. When do you ever get time to yourself? OMG nip this in the bud now. I ended up actually believing that doing the weekly Tesco shop with my friend counted as 'me time'.