Mother excusing men

[JustPutSomeGlitterOnIt]

What is this. I've noticed this a lot recently in 2 separate contexts.

I am currently leaving the father of my 3 kids. Abusive, violent, emotionally and financially manipulative, lazy, incompetent, useless, I could go on. She knows all this.
And yet when I briefly, in passing, detail how hard the situation is, or a brief anecdote to illustrate my point: not for sympathy, just in passing chat, a lament shall we say, I get a really strange response, along the lines of:

'Oh, StElse, he's hurting. Be gentle with him.'
'He only hit you because you said/did ...'
'Maybe try asking him nicely to not shout at you'
'But are you making sure you always keep ... tidy?'

If I again, just in passing, despair of how I am doing all the jobs and parenting in the home I get:

'Oooohhhh StElse, that's just how it is! Get on with, stop moaning.'
'But it doesn't have to be, does it.'
'oh yno what, if you want a row, fine, I'm off to do...(insert old lady job here)

I'm quite thick skinned so I just sort of brush it off as her being her. But what is this? What's going on here?

I get that one could be convinced that things are 'better' with women being run into the ground a certain way.
What I don't get is the positive annoyance at when I'm trying to change for the better. Like, get on board!

The funny thing is, when I was growing up, any request from my own dad for things to be 'a certain way' was met with a vocal and committed 'FUCK OFF' from her. She is far from a meek and mild wife.

Can you help me pick this apart?

Has she lost her mind? She is not being kind to him by saying that, she is being bitchy to her own daughter.

My 'mother' used to do this, as though I were to blame for injuries inflicted upon me. She even said that being raped was my own fault.

NC now for over 10 years. She was never going to change, so I had to enforce boundaries for my emotional well-being and sanity.

She's a misogynist, lots of women are.

I'd really struggle to have an ongoing relationship with anyone who said "he only hit you because" this is a truly terrible thing to say. Your mum has some serious issues to even think this about male violence, but to voice it to a survivor, her own daughter, is another level. I'm sorry to say this because you probably feel you need support where you can get it, but IMHO your mum is going to be a huge barrier to you recovering from what you've been through.

You have my sympathies OP. My mum was very similar when I left my abusive ex. It didn’t surprise me that much as she’s always been a cow but it hurt more than I expected it to. I think it hurt more than being abused by my ex did tbh.

I realised I couldn’t change my mum’s attitude but I could change how I dealt with her and it and I have very little to do with her now. It helps me cope with the hurt she’s caused me and also I didn’t want my children hearing excuses like that being made for their father, hugely damaging.

She lost me at "He only hit you because..."

Honestly, I would be cutting contact with her too as well. I certainly would not be allowing her around my kids alone.

Your mother sounds truly awful. I’m so sorry.

I had this with my mother.

When I found out that my long term boyfriend had cheated on me, I went to stay with my mother while I worked out what to do.

She convinced me to go back to him. I ended up marrying him, and it did not end well.

I worked out my mother was just selfish and if I went back with the BF then she wouldn’t have to do anything or put her self out for me. She just wanted an easy life and a DD who would look after her - not the other way round.

Does this resonate for you?

Both parents are still dead keen for me to stay with him because '2 incomes are better than 1' which I've read as 'don't ask us for money' 😂
In fact I haven't, and don't intend to.

I just don't understand the mentality behind this mindset. Just because something was worse in the past, why would you not support it being made better?

I'd suggest it's an envy of leaving even, but she really is quite adamant that he's being hard done by here.

She makes similar comments about other couples, not just me. 'Ex wife bled him dry', 'She chose to leave yet he's paying half' etc. What is this bitterness towards things correcting themselves.

It's awful and I can't get my head around this way of thinking. My mum is the same, a few years ago the police asked me to be a witness against a man who SA and beat me up as a teenager. The case had been reopened and went to trial.. my mum told me, " Is it really fair to ruin this man's life all of these years later, it's not his fault the police messed up 25 years ago, he should be able to move on." I haven't spoke with her since.

Jesus fucking Christ.

How can women do the bidding of these creatures?