Anxious son was bullied. Desperately sad about my family's actions .

[tomsontheteam]

My son has a high level of diagnosed anxiety. He has trauma and possible asd. He has no friends and is social phobic. He has a close relationship with my sister , her husband and is comfortable with their children and they often interact and have fun, albeit he is defensive and withdrawn at times.

He is in CAMHS and gets therapy and psychological input.

There is a distant cousin his age who is nasty towards him when they have met in the past . Torments him until my son starts getting angry and upset. Then the child throws his hands in the air claiming he was only having fun and it was all a joke. His parents think his behaviour is funny and defend him. I understand that his behaviours are rooted in trauma according to the experts and family history however my son is the priority here.

He does this to his other cousins also and when they also snap and go for him, he claims he is being targeted.

I have spoken with the professionals who work with my child and they have all said to keep him far very far away from this distant cousin, that he is unhealthy for my son to be around and damaging the progress he is making. I do this .

This distant cousin however hangs out with the children of my sister when he doesn't get a better option. He drops other kids like hot potatoes when more 'cool' ' funnier' cousins come along.
He is unlikable and generally disliked by all the adults in the family but here is my dilemma.

I have confided all of my sons issues, interactions with this child and advice I've received. She is kind and loving towards my son, as is her husband .

However, there was An activity at the weekend that my son would love to have been invited to but wasn't.. fair enough... everyone is entitled to do their own thing as we are ... but I found out that this bully was invited by them to be part of that activity and not only that but they were snapping my child , not because they wished he could be there or wanted interaction but they have form for this but again to antagonise him, not for the first time.

He is terribly hurt and I am also terribly hurt that they knowingly invited this bully( whom they also don't like but one of their kids does despite bully often excluding their own children but that's their decision etc ) and excluded my son despite us being so much closer and my sister knowing the whole story.
I haven't slept well as I need objectivity. Am I being completely over sensitive here?

YANBU If this is how they treat your son, you will need to distance yourself from all of them. It's very sad.

Strip away all the trauma and diagnoses and what do you have op

A little shit of a cousin who enjoys winding people up and who's family probably do the same

Tell your family how shit their behaviour is and say you're cutting contact until they can come up with a resolution that involves keeping this cousin away from ds

Yanbu at all, op, hope that your family step up for ds xx

You posted this a few days ago didn't you?

I understand your concern, however the priority for you is teaching your son to be able to deal with people who aren't very nice. There will always be a 'distant cousin' in life and he does need to know how to deal with such people.

Try not to make your own anxiety his anxiety

I did @whatthekey but my post this morning is in essence asking whether I need to cut away contact with my sister when she is in this child's company as her child's wishes will supersede their cousins behaviour or am I being unreasonable . I just need guidance as I am emotional right now.
Have you any advice here ?

There will always be people in his life who aren't the kindest, this happens to be a distant cousin. Children can be wind ups, it's not nice but it's also not the end of the world. Given the distant cousin was going to be there you wouldn't have wanted your son to go anyway. I don't think it's fair to ask your sister to always exclude other parts of the family for what is unpleasant but not unusual behaviour. If they usually invite your son, I think it's ok not to every now and then, especially if he is as you describe defensive and distant with his cousins. That will have an impact on them too, just as the distant cousin's behaviour does. You've made it clear your son won't be around him so there will be some occasions where the other child gets invited so you don't. I hope CAMHS can provide the support your son needs to enable him to build resilience and social skills.

YANBU to keep your DC away from anyone who you believe is a threat to their safety or wellbeing. You have every right to do this as a parent. What you cannot do is dictate who your sisters DC spend their time with. If they choose to hang around with the 'distant cousin' then that's their business and there is nothing you can do about it. You don't have to like the child or spend time with them, but you cannot ask that the rest of the family to ostracise them. What do you want your sister to do? Do you want her to tell her DC they aren't allowed to be friends with their 'distant counsin' anymore? You must see that puts her in a very difficult position.

Stay away from unhealthy people

The is a sensible reply @tomsontheteam . You are being unreasonable expecting another child to always be excluded so yours can participate- I get why you feel as you do- but it isn’t fair.

Teach your son resilience and keep working with him as you are. Gently, I would suggest reconsidering his phone/socials aspect is Snapchats etc will upset him this much- social media is know for being bad for anxiety so maybe he should digitally detox or have additional protections on his phone.

OP, it sounds like you over-identify with your DS feelings, which is common in ND families. It's also common when there are no siblings to put things into perspective.

Your DS will meet mean people throughout his life. The best way to handle it is to model 'ah well, never mind'. If you model hurt and anxiety around social interaction, this is what DS will learn.

You must practise separating your feelings from DS and you must model resilience in the face of horrible people.

Some great and truly helpful responses there too thanks

What awful, cruel people.

This, although I don't understand why if as you say he's a distant cousin and adults and children in the family all 'generally dislike him' they still invite him and want to spend time with him?
Absolutely get that for you your child and his wants and needs are the priority, but he won't be for everyone.

I agree with this too actually

As someone who was like your ds, it's easy to fully empathise

I would still keep him away from ds for now maybe but also prep ds for dealing with him in the future xx

I really do try. He would refuse to go to an event if this boy was there and anyway I wouldn't allow it so we'd probably do our own thing. Sadly we've been invited on holiday with my
Sister but that distant cousin will be around all the time so I think I'm just going to organise a holiday for
Ourselves instead , which is a huge pity.

I'm still not sure why if as you say they dislike the boy so much they invite him places and o holidays? But maybe they are being more accepting of his needs and that he may have difficulty with his behaviour from what you yourself say i understand that his behaviours are rooted in trauma according to the experts and family history however my son is the priority here
So you want his trauma and needs ignored?

Your sister is caught in the middle really and probably wants to retain relationships with everyone whilst trying to respect your wish for your son not to be around nasty cousin.

Why don't you arrange something for your son and his nice cousins?

His issues are his own and not my concern when his parents laugh and disregard his behaviours.
My priority is my child.
He lives in a home filled with dysfunction but that's not my business nor concern.
He bullies my child. That's the bottom line. A child weaker in every way, than he.

He,as part of a larger group ,holidays with his family in the same area. The adults are friends and related to each other and yes they do ask this distant cousin to do activities now and again as my nephew has nobody else to hang out with and gets his own way at all times.

It sounds like both kids have their difficulties.

Inevitably, your concern is for your own ds and you're right to prioritise his needs. But it sounds like this other kid has plenty of challenges of his own. It's fair enough if your sister wants to include him in stuff. Perhaps she feels sorry for him.

Just do your own thing on your own terms.

Yes thank you for your response also. I will be doing that. My sister cannot stand this child and he has treated her own children quite badly so there's the element of being surprised also but that's just an aside.