Tech for socially behind DC

[Smartphoneban]

DS is Year 4, quite young in the year so not 9 until the summer. He has ASD and inattentive ADHD. He’s no trouble in school, and he has a couple of good friends. He’s not in with the “cool” boys (amazing how even an ASD young child knows who the popular, cool kids are!) and it’s possible they think he’s a bit odd, but he gets along with them fine in group games, parties etc.

We are absolutely not letting him have a smartphone before he’s 14 minimum. He has an iPad and recently allowed to play Roblox which he’s nagged about after half the class loved it. They’ve now all moved on to Fortnite and a big gang play together! I’ve said no to that, but whilst DS hasn’t nagged, I am worried socially he’s going to get left further behind if he doesn’t join. I know he’s not the only boy in his class not playing, but I imagine it’s only a couple of others not.

This parenting/social side is so hard, I feel like I’m the one back at school. DH and I are ND with all ND DC (DS is our eldest) and I just don’t want my DC to have the miserable school experience I had.

My DS has played Fortnight since about 8/9, it’s actually not a bad game, very cartoon like and the benefit of it is that it’s cross platform so it doesn’t matter what device the kids are playing on, they can all speak to each other. The parties can be set to private so no randomers can join. We have always had DS’s consoles downstairs so we can hear who he is talking to also.

He is also a bit more on the outside of the class social life so it has been very useful for us.

Thank you, it’s good to hear about another sort of outsider benefitting from it.

My view is that he will need to have a phone he can chat to friends. By year 6, this was how the kids communicated at our school. and they had whatsapp groups to chat together.. He'll get left out of chat and arrangements to meet up without a phone. My year 7 has a smart phone but he cannot get apps without our permission, so no tik tok etc. MY son has made friend with a boy at secondary school without a phone and it makes it much harder to meetup out of school with him than with his other friends, so that kid is more likely to be left out.

As for ipads etc, I have a friend whose son has ASD and she has read that screens are much worse for ASD kids (more likely to get 'addicted' and bad behaviour without them) so she is very strict about no screens at home. She is however very social and her son has a lot of opportunity to mix with other kids whose parents she is friendly with.

I think online friendships can be good with people with barriers. I remember reading an account of a very physically disabled boy with a life limiting illness who spent a lot of time online. After his death his family received loads of message of condolence from people he knew in the online gaming world whom he was friends with, and even had 'girlfriends' with, and they spoke of how much he had meant to them and how friendly and supportive he was.

My now teen DS had screens etc from a young age (technically not all my fault as i did specify no phone until he was 11 and in secondary school) but he was gifted one when he was 9.
He started playing Fortnite and other similar games at a similar age to your DS, my DS isn't ND (as far as i know but i have at times thought its possible) he is very reserved, quite unsociable and honestly having his games console to socialise with his friends has been the difference between him having a social life vs not speaking to any friends outside of school.
He goes out & socialises alot more now he's older but his gaming is still a major part of how he chats to his friends so for me i have to say its only been a positive thing.

That said we did have restrictions when he was younger, he had it only at weekends at first and then he was allowed an hour after school if there was time between clubs etc as he would play it 24/7 if left to it 😅

Find him a Minecraft crew, or help him to. More kid friendly and the interest seems to continue on until teens and adulthood. Much better than Fortnite.

A lot of people say they have to have a smart phone, but actually imo you don’t want them in the WhatsApp chats in y6/7. They’re absolutely toxic. My Y8 kid is still without smartphone and has plenty of friends.

I would say you need to judge what to give him based on how much of an outsider he is. Mine don’t do any gaming at the moment because although they are social outsiders, they have enough friends and acquaintances to be ok. If it gets to the point where they are significantly left out/have no friends I’ll start allowing Minecraft. Roblox I’m less keen on for safety reasons. Fortnite I would allow from 10/11 if I absolutely had to.

My two boys 8 & 9 play Fortnite with a gang of kids from school and they have a whale of a time. It's just like a big party really for them - although you do always get one who is a bad loser and they end up rage quitting lol. I've locked their Fortnite down so only I can add people for them to their friends list and they can only speak and chat to those on their friends list, never had a moment's trouble with it. However they will NOT be getting phones and social media until 13, I've spoken to them about that and 9 year old is on board, 8 year old isn't happy but hey, he's 8 and doesn't make the rules.

The smart phone is a hard no until he’s older. He will have a phone for year 7 so he can message, and if WhatsApp really is key I’ll make sure it’s one which can enable that, although I’m really not keen on that to be honest. He will not be joining any WhatsApp groups until Y7 at the earliest.

Thanks for the views on Fortnite that’s all really useful.

I wouldn’t say he's a major outsider, he has two very good friends, and then plenty of children to play with if they were off sick or he wanted to play a different game. And mucks along fine, he’s just not close with any others really. I’d say he’s more of an under the radar type rather than disliked.

Fortnite is actually a pretty good game - when you shoot someone they just flash as their "life-force" depletes. There's no blood and gore or hunting down bystanders etc. It's also a genuinely strategic game- for example all kids go through a phase of hiding in a cupboard so they can make the last 10 and then realising that it's almost impossible to win like that, and in the team games you have to cooperate and communicate effectively to win. As the parent of a 14 year old, I can say Fortnite has not caused any problems (DS knows there are time limits and that's it). Phones and SM cause far more issues. The only problem I would say is that many age out of Fortnite by around 11/12 ish and there are always parents who allow COD and GTA at ridiculously young ages and there can be social pressure but I have just held firm on that and DS diverted to FIFA in the end so all good.

A while ago now but my DS joined a new school in year 9 just as Covid struck. Had to do homeschool online but in the evenings he and the other boys would all speak via football and car games.
When school finally opened up he had lots of friends which I was pleased and surprised about (bearing in mind they had hardly seen one another in real life). When I asked him about it he said it was all through gaming and they knew each other pretty well and could chat about stuff more easily online.
So it can have its benefits. I know my DS was a bit older - but I feel like boys can benefit from chatting with mates online via the purpose of a game. It’s not ideal but it’s the modern version of two goalposts in the park for lots of kids now. It’s how friendships can form/deepen.
Just set timers and have rules for when he can play amd when he has to stop and keep an eye on him when he’s online.

I think things are changing. My son is 10.5 and none or this close gang of mates (about five or six kids) have phones, not do their parents have any urgency to get them one. We live in a small town and they’ve walked to school for over a year. The smartphone free childhood movement is big at the school.

My son’s friends are into Fortnite but he doesn’t have it, his choice. He doesn’t seem to be left out at all.