To think my boss is interested in me romantically?

[Burritowrap]

I work in a business where I collaborate closely with my boss and meet with him regularly. He is a married man with children and about 20 years older than me. We’ve worked together for three years, and I would say we have developed a strong professional rapport.
Recently, however, I’ve started to feel like there may be more going on with him, though certainly not on my end, as I am in a committed relationship.
For example, he promoted me to one of the top positions at the company and secured me a great salary. Over the past three years, he has also helped me secure two pay raises. He often notices small things about me, like if I’ve cut my hair, ironed my clothes, or worn a new dress, and frequently compliments me by saying I look nice.
After a successful meeting, he’ll approach me, compliment my performance, and even touch my shoulder, which, while not extreme, does feel a little personal for a professional setting. His wife, whom I’ve met a few times, has expressed an immediate dislike for me and has often been rude when we’ve interacted, making me feel uncomfortable.
Whenever I’m having lunch, he finishes his meal and then moves to my table to chat, sometimes staying for hours. The conversation often revolves around him and how great he is. However, what’s been bothering me the most recently is an incident on Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend sent me flowers to work, and my boss made a comment about it, even making fun of my boyfriend for sending them. The whole interaction felt odd and out of place.
What do you think? I’m considering distancing myself from him and giving him the cold shoulder moving forward.

Yes I think that he probably fancies you. And I think that your plan is a good one and will work, do not reward any non-professional comments and he will get the message fairly quickly. “Ooh you’ve changed your hair” doesn’t get a smile and a “thank you, at least someone noticed” it gets a neutral “uhuh” or the more blunt “that’s not really relevant” which will probably see results more quickly.
Be prepared for a bit of pettiness in a medium term good luck

Your intuition will be spot on here OP.

The question is, what do you do? I’d be looking for a new position.

I think no. I think he is over-friendly but not crushing.

me i play it safe, i try to watch the body language of the other person, i try to see how they react, because i aim to be professional if they developed feelings i would wait for them to say directly to me that they want to talk and discuss x,y,z but because of my role, what i do, the training we have had all of that means my role first, and always aim to be professional and keep topics neutral so if i did get called out on anything then i can say with a clear conscious i was only doing or talking about x,y,z which is also why i ask, double ask and triple ask if eg we want to chat on WhatsApp or Facebook, because too many times in the past people say yes is ok, then suddenly when you do what they said you could do, then suddenly its like omg why is x doing that when they talk to others. so then if anyone did say to me why have you been eg saying x to y, then i can say well i did ask a number of times over x period of time and i hoped they could be trusted.

overall if i noticed a pattern from the other person and if i did conclude they may have feelings then i would still play dumb, because i would need them to decide what they wanted to do about their feelings etc

Oh I see you've ironed your clothes
Sits at your table for hours of a lunch time 😂😂🤣

Oh come on you're not even trying with this one

tricky situation, unless you find another job. no doubt you have thought of this but the wife will have already heard about you as he won't have been able to resist talking about someone he fancies; not to mention (i am guessing) she is a similar age to him, so jealous of the supposed 'younger woman'. furthermore, he is likely to have 'form'.

i think - for the sake of your job, if you plan on staying there - you need subtly to distance yourself: keep everything strictly business, don't be available to hang out after a meal, have (perhaps imaginary) phone calls coming in from your partner or others when ostensibly free, have to be somewhere else. if he's a complete arsehole he may attempt to cause you problems at work. (keep a diary, if this happens). good chance that a subtle cold shoulder will make him take the hint, perhaps direct his attention elsewhere, perhaps even to his unhappy wife

I think you can shut him down politely until he gets the message, as an earlier poster suggests no engagement with compliments. At 20 years older his ego is enjoying the company of a younger woman forgetting your there to earn a crust not because he is fabulous and you are drawn to him. He clearly fancies you. Mention his similarities to your Dad regularly. As someone mentioned be prepared for some pettiness.

The Op must only iron her clothes occasionally if her boss notices when she does.

As for the rest - tripe.

What profession do you work in?

He fancies you and it sounds like you have done very well as a consequence. His behaviour is not out of order so I wouldn't change your behaviour (e.g., comparing him to your dad is petty and just a little bit spiteful), but be wary of situations where it could escalate.

"Oh i see you have ironed your clothes" says the 75 year old father of a 46 year old...who is 20 years older than the 25 year old who is being complimenting on her ironed clothing by their father

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Can you explain more about this V-day incident?

Yes he fancies you - but I suspect you sensed that after the second pay rise and the upteenth extended lunch conversation a couple of years ago.

Manage the physical contact and try to manage the conversations a bit better - there is no reason why you should be stuck chatting for hours unless you are an active participant.

Stating early in the conversation that you've "got a meeting at X time", or "need to finish off a presentation so am just about dash off" is a good way to set up interactions so that they are not open ended.

It all sounds very manageable but of course you can look for a new role if you are feeling exhausted by it all.

I think he has a crush on you. I'm worried that if you become cold to him later, he might make things difficult for you at work.

If I fancied every colleague I promoted, secured pay rises for and took to lunch, it would be a long list!

If a boss is commenting on ironed clothes, it really is a hint that they need to be ironed more often!

I can't believe you sit and listen to him talk for hours about how great HE is.

Yes. I’d be more inclined to see the ironing comment as a veiled rebuke about you usually presenting at work all over obvious creases, and I can’t imagine seriously thinking that a promotion was secured because someone fancied me — unless you think you don’t deserve it?

Yes, Boss is being a dick.
You have secured the great promotions so just play it cool, do your work and always have other work mates nearest to you.
Good on you for noticing and distancing yourself.

It was hurtful to down play your flowers. Organise almost continual flowers on your desk from boyfriend.
No wonder his wife is snappy - not your fault but she is sensing her husband replacing some of her emotional relationship with her husband with you.

Does Boss have a daughter your age?

Just thought that maybe he sees you as a daughter - he is still over stepping inappropriately of course.

I’m not sure giving the cold shoulder is going to work for you in the workplace, and to be honest, no one can tell if he fancies you or just feels comfortable with you, especially as you’re now more senior.

I would be looking for a new job. Would not want to be in a role where people could say I only got it because the boss fancied me.

How pathetic and predictable of him.

I just couldn’t be doing with it and was crushed on by an older man in my very first proper job, also my boss. He was at least single and did ask me out, bought me expensive flowers. I told him straight I would never date him. I think these days as an older woman though of course now it’s age appropriate he wouldn’t be after me I would just remind him to get his prostrate checked or something else sarcastic and age related.