Dealing with the death of an estranged parent

[meadowkoa]

Hi all,

My dad recently passed away who was 59, he had a heart attack so it was very sudden. I hadn't spoke to him for 2 years, not because of an argument or fallout, but because our relationship essentially fizzled out.

Growing up, I constantly felt left out of the family and treated differently to my half brother and felt this as an adult too... family dinners being organised, family trips and me not being invited. I always felt this was because I was younger than my half brother, wasn't in a relationship like he was and essentially cos I didn't have much in common with my dad whereas my brother did. My brother went on to have a child which is when I felt the push more. Again, family days out which I wasn't told about, the list goes on.

I made a decision as an adult that I couldn't carry the relationship on. It was too upsetting. It was making me ill. He went months without contacting me at times and I felt I had to put a stop to my feeling of hope. I also saw his house was for sale but he never told me he was moving and I knew he wouldn't be staying in the local area.

2 years on my dads dead. I was told 10 days after he had died. I've gone on to have my own child which he never knew about, all because I thought I was protecting her not because of spite. When the relationship was breaking down I was going through multiple miscarriages, my mums diagnosis of cancer as well as a family friend being very unwell. I couldn't handle it.

I am now riddled with guilt that he never knew my little girl, every time I look at her I feel awful. I've spoken to his long term partner who disliked me since being a small child and once told my dad she hates me. I asked her if I could contribute to flowers and her response was "it's family only flowers". I've asked what music is being played and haven't been told.

She told me my dad thought I wanted nothing to do with him but I also felt the same and almost felt like I was a burden. Looking back on messages there are a couple of times he asked to see me but that was when the relationship had already ended in my mind and enough had been done.

I'm dreading his funeral and seeing all that side of the family. They think I'm evil. I've messed my half brother reaching out and he hasn't responded to one message. I wish I could go back in time and have a proper sit down conversation with him.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? What helped you get through this ?

It doesn’t sound like you have anything to feel guilty for. You were let down again and again by one of the people who you should have been able to depend on the most in the world. Both as a child and in your adulthood.

Our parents aren’t owed our love and respect just because you are their child. They have to earn it the same way anyone else does.

As a woman also estranged from a family member, I know what you have written here is just the tip of the iceberg.

Thank you @lnks , I need to hear that. I guess I'm upset at how it's all been handled. His partner was pretty awful growing up, I feel this was one last stab to wait and tell me he had died 10 days previous.

We had a complex relationship which is why I feel conflicted. It would've been nice to contribute to his funeral in some way but I've basically been told to do one. I also think what gives me the right to be able to do so after not speaking for so long.

You are so right regarding tip of the iceberg!

Sorry you are upset but honestly you shouldn’t feel guilty for anything . You did nothing wrong . You were protesting yourself from more hurt and pain which is the right thing to do . Getting some distance from your dad was the right thing because you were understandably feeling to much pain . Be proud of yourself . You’ve reached out to his wife . She sounds a cow and you’ve reached out to your brother but don’t get to close as I think they will enjoy blaming you for everything that happened and this is not your fault . You were Setting boundaries for yourself that’s all . It was not your fault they you n your dad didn’t have a better relationship. He was the parent not you. You have every right to be at your dad’s funeral anymore than anyone else . Life can be cruel and taking your dad away from you at a period of time that was a temporary step back for you n your dad was cruel but NOT your fault .

Protecting yourself ‘ not protesting

Are you intending to attend the funeral?

I wouldn’t if I were you. I would take the day to reflect and mourn peacefully without all the stress of going. 💐

I also don’t think you have anything to feel guilty for. He let you down, a lot. He abdicated from the responsibility of being a decent parent on what sounds like multiple occasions. Just because you are now an adult doesn’t mean you have to accept that or pretend it's ok.

I found out my estranged parent had died by total chance a week afterwards. I was sad that she’d died, and even more sad that in dying, the possibility of us ever having a better relationship had gone. But right up to the end, our relationship hadn’t meant enough to her to make an effort, or to apologise, or even to reflect on the actions that she had taken that led to our estrangement.

i don’t know if you need to hear this, but it’s ok to grieve in your own way @meadowkoa. You don’t have to go to the funeral or engage with the wider family unless you want to, or you think it would be helpful. Let go of any thoughts of what ‘society’ might expect and do what feels right for you and the little girl that was so let down by her dad 💐

My mother stopped speaking to me after I had my first child. She died 6 years later having met him 3 times, living in the same city.

Someone told me that you mourn twice: once for the parent who actually died and once for the parent you wish you'd had.

I went through similar 4 years ago. My dad let me down so many times when i was young, so many empty promises. Yet my half brother he saw regularly.
I cut contact when I was 12 after I didn't want to go to his wedding and his fiancee rang me telling me i was a horrible nasty child. He tried to contact me over the years but for me the relationship was done, he also moved over 4 hours away. My half brother told me over social media he was diagnosed with cancer a d then a few days later he died. I grieved, not for him but for the dad I always wanted but never had. I didn't attend the funeral, nor was I asked. I've seen the obituary online and my brother is on there but I wasn't included. If he was ever that bothered about me he'd have made the effort.
My advice is to not let it consume you, as hard as it is.
💐 for you xx

I’m in this position now - both parents dying and no relationship due to a series of events where other family didn’t think I was ‘family enough’ to be in the family. They have moved many hours away and I know nothing of them.

There are definitely two sets of grief. The sadness of the parents you didn’t have, and then the actually death (for me yet to come)

I’d sort yourself out some therapy to deal with these feelings and wouldn’t be going to the funeral. It’ll be another time you feel pushed out. But you have to do what feels right deep in your soul. None of us can make that decision but can offer advice.

I hope you find some real peace- you are not defined by these people. And your worth is not defined by them either. You are your own person with agency and deserve better.

Thank you so much everybody for sharing your experiences and offering support. People around me don't know what to say and that's fine - it's not something many people have to go through so hearing it from others has really helped and given me some clarity x