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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Move away whilst pregnant

13 replies

lalalove · 16/02/2025 21:03

I would really love some advice from mothers to help me make a decision.

I'm pregnant with my first baby and we are in the process of selling our home and relocating to another city 2.5 hours away.

We currently live near our 'hometown' where all our family and closest friends are located.

The reason for our move is because my other half commutes to said city min. 3 times a week. It's brutal and we don't think it will work with a baby at all. He has a brilliant job which he loves and earns a great salary, which will mean I can be sahm if I choose.
We are making the move to accommodate his work, but we do really like where we are moving to, having lived there several years ago.

My dilemma is that I'm starting to have cold feet about leaving my friends and my aging mother. I know I can make a new mum network in my new area, but I will miss them regardless and are conscious of how much less I will see my best friends and mother.

I know the most important thing is to prioritise my immediate family ie DH and baby, but it all feels very overwhelming and unknown at the moment.

Am I/we making the right choice?

OP posts:
RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 16/02/2025 21:11

How good is your marriage OP? The reason I ask, is if your DH has any past history of a wandering eye, or a controlling personality, or anything along those lines, then I definitely wouldn't move, as I would want my family and friends close by for support should anything go wrong. On the other hand, if everything in the garden is rosy, and you see it remaining that way, then I'd go for it. You've said you have lived in the area before, so do you have any friends there from when you were there previously? As a compromise, could you move somewhere half way, so as to make the journey easier for your DH, but not so far from friends and family? I think it's likely that your hormones are also coming into play here, as when we're pregnant, it's only natural to want to stay somewhere familiar, and have friends and family around. As it's only 3 times a week that he has to go, I think I'd be looking for somewhere closer to home as a compromise, but that's just me.

Original poster
lalalove · 16/02/2025 21:13

Marriage is really happy. Annoyingly friends have moved away from the new area so would start from scratch. I agree my hormones are all over the place which is not helping with these big life decisions...
After a couple of years of 5 hour a day commutes DH feels that if we are moving we may as well make that as easy as possible so he can be home more for baby.

OP posts:
hohoho24 · 16/02/2025 21:18

I wouldn't - having just completed a super stressful move to go back to my hometown when we had no support network for our DS. Do not underestimate the support of family and friends in helping with/raising a newborn/toddler.

If your husband commutes 3 days a week, does this mean he can also work remotely? is it not an option for him to do less commute days? or even find a similar role more locally?

IntermittentStream · 16/02/2025 21:18

Never move for someone else’s career. And certainly not with the idea that being a SAHM may be something you might want to do before you’ve even had your baby. What about your job?

Whotenanny · 16/02/2025 21:22

We moved 2hrs away from my family, with no day to day support available, when I was 5mo pregnant with our second, our first was under a year old. Never regretted it. Two hours is close enough for a day trip if needs be. My parents are close to 80yo now but are very active.

You just need to change your expectations. Can your parents or other family members come to stay every now and again?

Edited to add: DH's family live on a different continent, so there's no day to day support there either 😆

mitogoshigg · 16/02/2025 21:23

The reality is many of us have to move for work, and also be a trailing spouse. Yes you won't have support locally but it does mean you can make new parent friends locally to where you are moved to.

Do protect yourself, ensure if you are a sahp you claim child benefits and he has his tax code adjusted, that way you keep your state pension rights and share money so you don't have to ask for it!

Original poster
lalalove · 16/02/2025 21:43

DH works remotely 2 days, he won't be allowed to do more.
Family will be able to come to stay as we will have spare room and parents in law and my mother are retired.

Luckily my work is well paid and flexible, so I'm not worried if I want to pick it back up as I can work remotely. I'm looking forward to the idea of a career break and being sahm but that can change if I wanted to go back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalalove · 16/02/2025 21:44

DH has considered work local to where we are now but nothing compares to the prospects at his current job.

OP posts:
Halo20 · 16/02/2025 22:10

OP it sounds like there are pros and cons for both options but I think you need to have a really good think as to the benefits the move will have for you. Yes it will benefit your DH but at what cost?

The reason I am asking is that I moved to a different part of the UK with my DH leaving my entire family and support network behind and while it has been fine for 9 years, now that I am 8 months pregnant it has become more apparent life will be more difficult not having them closeby when the baby comes. Having to either fly or take a boat to see them and not having that support during pregnancy has been tough.

Eenameenadeeka · 16/02/2025 22:20

We moved 2 hours away from family with 2 preschool age children , part of the reason was due to my husband spending hours in traffic but also where we moved to has a much better lifestyle for us. If you are only going 2 hours away, you can still easily have family visits at the weekend, while having more family time day to day because Dad is actually home for dinner and bedtime. For us, it was the right choice. We found it preferable to do the long drive together once a month or so to visit family, which cut down on hours in traffic every single day for my husband that meant he was not seeing enough of our children.

BeachRide · 16/02/2025 22:43

Could he afford to live part of the week near his work? Hotel, spare room etc.?

Original poster
lalalove · 16/02/2025 22:47

Yes he could, and that works ok for now but the reason for moving is that otherwise he won't see our baby 3 days a week.

OP posts:
HorrorFan81 · 16/02/2025 23:00

We moved to a new city where we knew no one 4 months before I got pregnant for the first time. It actually worked out really well as we met so many people through NCT, baby groups etc and later on school parents and we have an amazing community of friends around us now. Neither place had family, but both sides visit often (3 hours away). I think if youre super secure in your relationship and are willing to make an effort to get out and meet new people I'd go for it

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