Family Drama

[MixedBananas]

Would you distance yourself from people "family" like this?

DM had knee surgery and complications needed 2 long stays in hospital her DS didn't visit at all and made an awful excuse that only 1 visitor was allowed. Howpital is 20mins drive. Utter bull crap. DMs DS went to help out with her DDs distant friends, grandmothers funeral. Travelled over 2 hours and stayed a week to help out the family. Not close just an acquaintance. No friendship whatsoever between the elderly lady and the DS.
What message does this send?

P.s DM and DS have a on and off relationship like usual sister drama bothibg major, but DM was blindsided by these events in the last 12months and this was the whole cake and the icing with a cherry on top for us all.

Thank you for your response. It is not nice to walk away and "give up" on family. Of course none of us want that but this family member has been spoken to and in turn ihas been defensive and in denial and gas lightening.
I have always ahowen respect to my elders if am not someone to shout or argue with older family but always try to mediate. My DB who is older even tried more then me and made a point to visit her often and dowcuss things calmly. But it made 0 difference it seems.

Not cutting ties but I am stepping back and keeping contact to only what is now necessary. Sad though as they were very present in my childhood.

Why will she be 'heart broken' her sister isn't coming to visit and care for her following a fairly routine knee operation?
I don't think you/she know as much as you do re the help/support she was giving a bereaved family. As I personally would think it a bit invasive for someone completely unknown to come and move in to help out!

No there is years of this behaviour. Even myself I had children she never called or visited to congratulate. I had to taie my children to her. P.s she is very able and travels all over the UK and the world on holidays and is wealthy.
We are not English so in my culture there is etiquette to do such things. Sickness, birth, marriage you visit and take food and keep close. As we have done with them.

It is a sign of "showing off". Look at me helping so and so. DA doesnt have any friends apart from DM she is a loner and only sees DM who visits her home weekley. They are only 10mins away.

Yes as she was in hospital and her DH were inhospitable for a multitude of normal routine things, my DM and myself have helped her even when she had the flu. It is different in our culture.

Routine? No DM had complications and infection and was very poorley. As we are not English the standards of etiquette are not as yours. We have very high standards and reaponsibilites are different. Especially as DM is much older then her DS. Respect for elders is very important.

Etiquette isn't mandatory. You says she's always been like this so why expect any different and be heartbroken? Why not get the message by now that this is who she is and she's not going to do the etiquette thing just because you do? As ever, you/your DM can't control other people's actions, only your expectations and responses to it.

Clearly most of us know nothing about this etiquette etc of which you speak because this is a UK based site and so most of us will be judging this situation on what expectations here would be.
So what do you actually expect anyone to say?

I think you don't need to go NC as such but yes, just take a step back from her. We had to do this with a family friend, which I understand isn't the same as such, but I recognise what you mean about the outbursts.

Do as you would normally do rg birthday card etc, but just a basic involvement sounds beet.

Well DM is very ill and anytime she ends up in hospital (its terminal, so pretty serious!) all the family avoid visiting because they hate hospitals/seeing her there unwell. It's a bit crappy but I'd never cut contact over it!