Toxic mother hates every single partner of mine

[Comingtosunset]

My mum has always controlled me. From which subjects I chose at school to my hair styles. (Heavily critical of shorter hairstyles and certain colours, so I always chose what she liked).

She disliked my ex husband. When we were married she would say many many things. One of them being “I won’t be leaving any inheritance to you whilst you are still married to that man”.

Many other manipulative things you try and get me to leave him.

In the end, she got her wish and we divorced.

With my boyfriend prior to ex husband. She took a dislike to and I split with him after 4 years because she disapproved.

Now I am mid 30s, have been through a horrendous divorce with two young (very happy and lovely) children. I’m financially independent and very fortunate to have a great job that’s allowed me to be so.

My “new” partner of two years. She dislikes. It’s starting again.
“I won’t leave any of my inheritance to you while you are with xxx”
”He makes bad choices and I disagree with him”

New partner has always been respectful and polite. Has gone above and beyond. Be speaks kindly and fondly about her. (He doesn’t realise she dislikes him- well he possibly does but he doesn’t let on)

Hes a lovely man. Gentle giant. He has a secure employed role, but sold his house to move into mine recently.

He doesn’t fit her narrative of a successful man in his 40s and so she clearly disapproves.

She calls my stepson “that boy”, rather than use his name.

Please help me break away from my toxic mother. I realise now how she is toxic. I need to preserve my independence and do what’s best for myself and my children. Does anyone have some wise words? Am I really the difficult one with bad taste in men?

Just tell her it’s fine, you don’t want or need her inheritance and go low contact with her. Don’t give her so much headspace (which results in her controlling you).

You don’t need her approval for anything or anyone. She sounds truly horrid.

Enjoy your life being you.

It doesn’t matter if you have taste in men, it’s your life and your choice.

you need to break free of her control and maybe some counselling will help this process..and support you whilst you do it

your mum has a lot to loose and she needs to understand this. firstly tell your mum you have no shits to give about inheritance… she can leave it to the cats home (it’s a way of control snd basically it’s not guaranteed anyway can be eaten up with care costs) . However if she wants to be part of your life she needs to be respectful and nice… to everyone.. no more snide comments or that boy etc… because you are not playing games and will walk away.

but you have to mean it op… there can be no threats. the minute you capitulate she will ride roughshod over you again. So maybe the counselling first to unpick the history so you are in the right headspace to move forward .

that’s my take, but I’ve not been in your position… I’m sure others who have been will have some great advice

My mum does this as well.

I went nc with my mother in my early 40s. I wished I'd done it years earlier.

If you can hand on heart say she makes your life miserable (and I think you can) then nc is the way to go.

You don't need anyone's permission and definitely not her's.

You are an adult. She is not in charge of you.
Repeat after me: "I'm an adult, my mum is not in charge of my life "

Tell her she can keep her inheritance- you don't want it.
When she starts about "that boy" or "he's no good" tell her you are not putting up with her behavior and leave.
If she starts when she is at your house, tell her to leave.

No, it won't be easy going against the habit of a lifetime, but it has to be done if you want any sort of life of your own.
It is a good idea to have some counseling to help you through this, but it will be worth it.
Your new DP sounds lovely!

Your mum is controlling you because you're allowing her to control you. You're an adult and responsible for who is in your life.

It clearly goes way beyond her hating your partners. She’s an awful, controlling bully and I would be telling her to shove her inheritance up her bitter, miserable arse.

Frankly, I’d have told her to fuck off just for the way she speaks about your partner’s son alone.

I never under stand the inheritance. I've told my mum to enjoy her own money spend it. Her house leave to my brother who doesn't own a house. I earn my own money and don't want others money. I cannot understand why anyone wants their parents money etc. Tell her don't worry about inheritance spend it enjoy it. You never know you may need a care home in which case any inheritance is gone.

Just stop seeing her! You don't need her money, so inheritance doesn't matter.
Block her number on your phone.
If she has keys to your house, change the locks.
I honestly don't understand why you would want anything to do with her.

This unfortunately.

Why do you think you still care for her opinion and seek her approval? It’s a bit of a trope on here but some therapy around this might make your life happier going forward.

New man sounds nice. Don’t let her poison your happiness.

Cut her out. Don't initiate contact with her, don't respond to attempts to contact you (blocking her number will help enormously with this), don't seek her out and don't be available if she attempts to seek you out.

Talk to your partner about your plans as you'll need his support, especially during the initial stages when she's going to try and push back against her loss of control over you. Counselling would definitely be a good idea, I'd also suggest visiting the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board for advice and support.

Thank you all for your replies.
It’s really helpful and gives me a bit more strength.

Its only been in the last couple of years that I’ve seen her for what she is.

As a pp mentioned- she has a lot to lose. But she feels she’s in the right. She said that All her friends think I’m awful for all the things I have done* Apparently my whole extended family, aunties, etc think I’m awful.

*Namely gone non contact for a week at a time when she has these outbursts. I arranged alternative childcare one week as I just couldn’t see her.

As I’ve grown into a more mature adult, I realise it’s not normal and I don’t want it anymore.

(My response to the whole “I won’t leave you any inheritance” was that I questioned if she was going to leave it all to my sister- whose boyfriend she dislikes too.
I didn’t laugh, but it was funny to see her stumble as she couldn’t answer it)

She clearly will never like any of her daughters partners.

Naming it for what it is will help too, OP.

It's emotional abuse and she has been abusing you your entire life as a means of control.

Telling you other people agree with her that you're awful is a classic emotional abuse tactic too as it gives her words validation and "proves" she's not alone in her criticism of you. In reality, none of the people she mentions will have any idea what's going on or - if they do have an opinion - it'll be her twisted version of the story.

You can do this and you can come out the other side, it'll be difficult but it's possible.

My mother got upset that my step-son didn't call her Granny. Why would he, she was not his grandmother.
My mother used to flirt with my husband.
My mother told me that she was really annoyed when she got pregnant with me because she didn't want to be anyone's mother!
She had no issues with my younger siblings.
She was very good at my husband's funeral and on subsequent visits did go to the grave and pay her respects.
My mother grew up in a household with domestic staff, so didn't learn to cook until she married. She was very good with our cleaner and encouraged all children into the kitchen.
To be honest, I think our father must have loved her to death, because she was pretty difficult (and that is being very understanding and giving her the benefit of the doubt)!
She did have a great sense of humour, in the right mood, and was pretty amazing at painting, drawing and taking photos or videos. My father was less good at the latter, but always gave amazing commentaries to his videos and totally loved my step-son, which was absolutely reciprocated in spades.

She's not in charge. If you tolerate her so she will leave you money, then you're allowing her to behave the way she does.

As an adult you make your own choices. Don't blame your mum. Just say you love him and that's all that matters amd that mum, you're free to do what the hell you want with your money.

My mum is like this. She'd initially be great with them but once she realised she was "losing me" to them, she'd turn on them and me.

It's purely jealousy. In her mind, you are hers. It's vile and very hard to have to live with. That's why I don't anymore. The minute my mum started that shit with my husband, I was out. I'd been dealing with it for years and years and I was done.

You need to be too. Tell her it's ok, you don't want or need her money and you're through with her treating you this way.

There have been times when I thought I might regret it but ultimately I'm living a much nicer life for not having her in it.

Your mum doesn’t like anyone will never like anyone so stop chasing approval. You’re a grown woman and don’t need this theoretical inheritance.

What’s you dad like ?

Your mum is very manipulative. I believe she is jealous of your partners, possibly afraid you will prefer them to her. She has a very selfish, damaging way of controlling you. Does she live alone, have you felt responsible for her?
My impression is you were a very obedient child, she was possibly a very loving mother in your eyes, and you have been a very loving daughter, not even realising she was still controlling your life.

You will always be under her control if you let her carry on as she believes she is entitled to.
Be gentle with her, but let her know you are not interested in any inheritance...(I find that really sad that she feels the need to keep you close with threats) tell her you are happy, and she should be happy for you.

If she can't be, the only way is to cut the emotional bonds you have with her, and that's all in your power.

I did this with my dm too as she was making my life miserable and always had. I also wished I'd done it earlier.

It's very common for people like this to claim that all friends / family / whatever agree with them, and it's usually not true. (Chances are they're all getting on with their own lives and concerns and not thinking about your love life much at all). People in your position often talk to all the relatives years later (sometimes after the controlling one is dead) and get nothing but complete bafflement - they'd either never agreed with his / her moans, or never even heard them. And even if they did agree with her, so what? They're not the boss of you either.

Low contact / low info, I'd say, or as low as possible. Is not using her for childcare an option?

Otherwise, grey rock it. "Don't need your money, mum". "Ha ha, I'm a bit old for being bossed around my my mum". "You do that" (in response to the inheritance threat). "No, I'm not going to do that" (in response to any silly orders). "Seems unlikely" (in response to all the stuff about what other people think about you). Be boring, and if she bothers you, never let it show. "You're the last person I'm going to take advice from, mum - I mean, remember those haircuts?".

Or go for the head-on tackle. "Yeah, it's always made you furious to see me happy, hasn't it? Why is that, do you think?". If she's the type who might actually put a sock in it when you call her out.