To be hurt for my child?

[collabs]

My child has historically and frequently been the target 🎯f baiting and goading from a cousin. Having tried to encourage resilience and manage the situation for a couple of years , professionals involved in his treatment for an anxiety disorder have advised me to keep my child away from this cousin.

The cousin is one of these children who irritates and torments other children when he feels like attention is threatened and then shouts out about the unfairness when his victims finally snap. He uses anyone who is free to hang out with him and then dumps and then ignores them when a better option presents itself.

His parents are blind and deaf to his behaviours.

So I keep my son away from him which is hard as this cousin seems to love the limelight and the other young teens hang around with him as they're possibly afraid of the backlash f they don't .. I'm sure you know the type...

Why then do I feel so awful for my child when they've all arranged an activity and he's been the only one left out? He wouldnt go . I wouldn't allow him or at least strongly dissuade him if he did want to go. Another cousin then likes to boast and share their great time when they are together, without him.
I'm struggling with this today .
Thanks for reading.

Who's dc is it? Can't you tell the parents their dc is a twat?

I honestly do understand why you’re upset, but it’s obviously better that DS is not there. Imagine how you’d feel sitting around knowing he was out with them probably getting picked on! In the long term this bully child will suffer as they’ll meet their match one day. The parents are failing the child by not addressing it.

It’s a pity that this is a family member, so it’s hard to cut ties completely but time for you and DS to move on. This is not a ‘group’ he needs to be part of. Can you get him into a hobby/class he can attend weekly where he can meet other people to get on with? Make the rest of his life full, he doesn’t need this other child.

They do not want to know. In fact I've seen them laugh when he actively tries to irritate other people and children. When another child reacts and finally snaps after one of his goading efforts, his parents blame the other child who snaps and hits out, of which there have been a few .

Honestly just don't bother with the parents or the child. Sign your child up to a couple of clubs to find new friend groups and forget the little shit exists.

Don't feel guilty. Talk to your son about the activities they are doing and if he says he wants to actually do the activity, then try and arrange it with other friends. But keep him away from his cousin, he sounds an unhealthy person to be around.

How do you know they've arranged to go out without him? If it's from social media, maybe this is a good time to step back from social media.

His is unhealthy to be around. My sons psychiatrist described his behaviour as rooted in trauma which makes sense so that was enough for me to draw the line.

But your child is safe. So who cares? You're obviously a great mum and you've done the right thing by your child, but you can't have it all ways I guess ...
Mind you, in the ideal world, the arsehole cousin would be the excluded one!

The other teenagers seem to like him, your son doesn't and that's ok.

Just because they're related, doesn't mean they have to be friends.

I think you need to draw a thicker line and stop thinking about/interacting with this child. You and DS don’t need to know what excursions they’re on with friends. This child obviously has some issues but you can’t keep on like this for the next 10 years.

Fill DS life with other things, a new sport or class or drama group. Pull away completely from the other child, they don’t need to be friends just because they’re related. Remove him from DS life completely and remove yourself from following his social life and friendships.

I always found the parents paid more attention when you vocally refuse to allow your child to interact with theirs "play with Freddie? Oh God no play with Tim he is nice" (genuinely accidentally said by myself at a school event when "Freddie" dad was behind me suddenly his parents took notice of how many parents were steering their child away from their son)

If the parents laugh at their horrible child’s behaviour and encourages it I would cut the lot of them off. Even the child’s parents aren’t good for your son.
Sometimes all family is is a shared blood line and there is little love. I would cut them all off if my child was being treated this way. I don’t believe in tolerating twats just because you are related to them.

I won't ever remove myself from his 'friendships' as long as he is being specifically targeted by arseholes and is liable to kick the heads off them if pushed too far. Then we have the usual..'WHAT???? ME???? I DID NOTHING '. .
He is vulnerable and I dont see my role as a parent as sweeping his cousins nastiness under the carpet for the sake of blood relations.

He doesn't want to go anyway though.

He's better off hanging out with his friends than his cousin.

It sounds as though you're far more bothered than he is.

Why do you even see him?

"Another cousin then likes to boast and share their great time when they are together, without him."
"the other young teens like to hang around him (the Cousin)"

Are these other young teens relatives? Or Neighbourhood friends? This cousin is not being regulated by his parents and is likely to get worse and worse as he gets older and will encourage his friends to emulate him.

Get shot of the lot of them. Including the one who loves to tell your son what he's missing. Don't give a damn what family say. Why should your son suffered because of their opinions?

He's not missing anything other than further bullying.

If he doesn't have to be at school with them - don't take him to family events. You don't have to declare it, just be busy. See parents etc separately. Your son needs time to regain his confidence after this bullying by cousin from a young age.

As others have said, encourage as many interests as possible, where he can grow his confidence and meet better friends.

What are you talking about - these aren’t ‘friendships’.

If your son is prone to ‘kick the heads off’ other children who are causing him stress, then simply remove him from the situation. You need to start building other opportunities for DS to make new, positive friendships. You seem stuck on this cousin and this group. They’re only a bunch of kids, there’s endless other groups to meet and be part of.

Nobody is asking you to sweep the cousins behaviour under the rug. We’re suggesting you remove your son from unnecessary situations so that he can flourish with new relationships.

It’s very bizarre that you’re so fixated on this one child and calling other kids arseholes. Your DS is only a child and under a psychiatrist, you need to do all you can to have him around positive and friendly people, and to encourage those traits in him as well.

Do you just want no one else to hang out with or like this cousin?
You don't want you son to and seem like neither does you son, surely thats the end of it?

If your son is 'liable to kick the heads of' people maybe he is part of the problem?
The other young teens like hanging out with the cousin and have a great time without your son there

Have you even read the original post? The cousin does this to all the kids around him. The update says the parents laugh at his behaviour despite more than once the other kids losing it with him.

Op I had a "friend" like this when I was young. He never wound me up but would do it to the younger kids....it took me from about the age of 7 to 12 to realise what a nasty piece of work he was...dropped him and haven't seen him for over 40years. Thankfully we went to different schools

To clarify .. he has never kicked the head off anyone. That is not in his nature but his psychiatrist called it reactive abuse .. where when someone has been goaded and antagonised enough , they will finally snap and this could result in an attack. He also told me that he has spent many many hours in court defending children/ adults like my own because the law up to recently doesn t recognise incessant and picking, goading and baiting of others .
He is not seven , whoever posted that. He is 15, vulnerable and has severe anxiety .
This child is nasty to others also. He drops and picks up whomever he pleases at a given time.
HTH.

Back to the original post, thanks for your reassuring words to those who 'got' me. I know it's the right thing to keep him well away from this child and indeed his other cousins when they are together but today , it stung.