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Original poster

discourage friend from reporting him?

17 replies

swearsbyit · 16/02/2025 14:38

Friend set me up on a date with someone she works with, I could immediately tell he wasn't bf material but we were both happy to have some fun so he stayed at mine.

Friends met us the next morning and among other jokes and conversations he said how we should have a threesome so she didn't feel left out and how he would have tried for her but could tell she was too tight. Obviously disgusting and understand why she is uncomfortable but he did apologise and think he was just trying to match our jokes.

Friend is upset and wants to report him for sexual harassment. I don't necessarily think she should and worried that as shes new to the job it will make things difficult if nothing comes from it. Hes obviously never been inappropriate at work as she wanted to set me up with him so unless he now is, I think she should just avoid him socially.

But before I say that to her instead of supporting her I want to check if im being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 16/02/2025 14:51

What work policy does she believe has been breached ?

ohyesido · 16/02/2025 15:09

If it happened at work or at a company event she has a case.

At a private gathering amongst friends no chance

Original poster
swearsbyit · 16/02/2025 16:07

That's what I thought. Shes said she wants to report him for sexual harassment and feels uncomfortable having to work under him now hes made these comments

OP posts:
Pixilicious1 · 16/02/2025 16:09

Is he her boss? That would put a different slant on it and would report that he had made those comments in that case.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 16/02/2025 16:10

swearsbyit · 16/02/2025 16:07

That's what I thought. Shes said she wants to report him for sexual harassment and feels uncomfortable having to work under him now hes made these comments

You might want to rephrase this OP! 👀😁

If she thinks he's breached a work policy, ask her to tell you which one.

sprigatito · 16/02/2025 16:11

She works with him, and the comments were directed at her? I'd say it's none of your business whether she decides to report him or not.

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 16:39

I don’t even see why you’d be involved in her decision. She’s the one who works with him and she’s the one who’s offended.

I personally think that as she set her colleague up for a shag with her friends and then met them both for a debrief the morning after, she is the one who has taken the friendship outside of work and overstepped boundaries. He made a grim comment, yes. But she was chatting with him, outside work, about orchestrating his sex life. I don’t think she has much grounds for claiming he’s harassing her, really.

However - as I say, it’s up to her entirely to report it or not.

EmmaMaria · 16/02/2025 16:52

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 16:39

I don’t even see why you’d be involved in her decision. She’s the one who works with him and she’s the one who’s offended.

I personally think that as she set her colleague up for a shag with her friends and then met them both for a debrief the morning after, she is the one who has taken the friendship outside of work and overstepped boundaries. He made a grim comment, yes. But she was chatting with him, outside work, about orchestrating his sex life. I don’t think she has much grounds for claiming he’s harassing her, really.

However - as I say, it’s up to her entirely to report it or not.

I agree with this. If she reports him then everything is going to be out in the open, and she doesn't come out of this entirely cleanly. Setting up a date for a friend - ok. But it sounds like the morning after was way outside appropriate behaviour on her part as much as his. ...."he was just trying to match our jokes..." She's going to have to say what he said about her - are these "jokes" he was trying to match something that both you and her are happy he repeats? I sounds like you were all colouring outside the lines.

Diningtableornot · 16/02/2025 16:55

It's up to her, but I should think that discussions about this episode are best kept well away from work. She made a mistake in her mixing of business and pleasure. She hopefully won't repeat it, and will get her relationship with this man on to a more professional footing. Since he apologised it sounds as though he realises that he was out of order.

Cupcakes2035 · 16/02/2025 17:00

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 16:39

I don’t even see why you’d be involved in her decision. She’s the one who works with him and she’s the one who’s offended.

I personally think that as she set her colleague up for a shag with her friends and then met them both for a debrief the morning after, she is the one who has taken the friendship outside of work and overstepped boundaries. He made a grim comment, yes. But she was chatting with him, outside work, about orchestrating his sex life. I don’t think she has much grounds for claiming he’s harassing her, really.

However - as I say, it’s up to her entirely to report it or not.

thats the issue id consider mitigating factors because she originally made the whole setup possible and presumable knew the person etc based on this can they then turn around and have a case ?

Cupcakes2035 · 16/02/2025 17:01

plus with the whole context what would Hr even say ? yes the behavior was omg.

Hdjdb42 · 16/02/2025 17:07

She works for him?! Yes I'd report it. What a disgusting creep.

Cupcakes2035 · 16/02/2025 17:12

Hdjdb42 · 16/02/2025 17:07

She works for him?! Yes I'd report it. What a disgusting creep.

but then would she also not be in front of hr because of their part in getting involved with setting up relationships / fling etc or would the focus more on what people say eg being professional ( which i completely agree with being professional when in work setting)

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2025 17:35

Hdjdb42 · 16/02/2025 17:07

She works for him?! Yes I'd report it. What a disgusting creep.

A disgusting creep that she set up with her best mate.

Personally I would leave it.

Original poster
swearsbyit · 16/02/2025 19:32

Hes's her superior but not her 'boss'
obviously if she wants report him that's her decision but since i was there and we were friends I would like to be able to give my support/advice

OP posts:
AnSolas · 16/02/2025 19:41

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 16:39

I don’t even see why you’d be involved in her decision. She’s the one who works with him and she’s the one who’s offended.

I personally think that as she set her colleague up for a shag with her friends and then met them both for a debrief the morning after, she is the one who has taken the friendship outside of work and overstepped boundaries. He made a grim comment, yes. But she was chatting with him, outside work, about orchestrating his sex life. I don’t think she has much grounds for claiming he’s harassing her, really.

However - as I say, it’s up to her entirely to report it or not.

Yes he did engage in sexual harassment.

match our jokes.
But if she was speaking to you about the night before she sexually harassed him first.

So the question you need to answer is are willing to give both of them the same factual written statement about when and how you arranged to meet that morning and the detail of the conversation of who said what and when.

Cupcakes2035 · 16/02/2025 20:34

swearsbyit · 16/02/2025 19:32

Hes's her superior but not her 'boss'
obviously if she wants report him that's her decision but since i was there and we were friends I would like to be able to give my support/advice

id say they would both have their own roles to play in enabling the situation

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