Should I be worried.

[April1928]

After a recent big argument with my husband, we managed to patch things up. However, while discussing it afterward, he admitted that he often thinks about leaving me whenever we fight. He said he never verbalizes it, but the feeling is always there, though it disappears once we reconcile. He also realized that he might feel this way because he wants to hurt me. Should I be worried about this?

Yes, of course that’s a worry.

Depends how frequent and severe the fights are. If they are abnormal, toxic and damaging then yes you should worry – one straw will likely be the last.

If, however, they are mild, infrequent and resolved fairly quickly, yet he’s still thinking that then he has one foot out the door.

Been married 13yrs and never has it crossed my mind to leave DH, and we’ve had some very argumentative patches with various life stressors.

Yes I would be worried.

If he says he wants to leave to hurt you then I really think you need to discuss why he wants to hurt you. It sounds as though there is some deep seated issue and resentment towards you that needs bringing out into the open

I agree. Thank you. I might have to address it soon but I don't know how to open it up again.

That's toxic.

He is planting this seed in your brain as a threat to manipulate you into not fighting back or disagreeing so "he doesn't leave", or even worse so he doesn't batter you. He's planting the seed - Preventative measure...

He shouldn't have said it. He shouldn't think it but he definitely shouldn't have said it.

I'd handle that by specifically telling him that you recognise that statement as a manipulative tactic, and you're wise to that language and the behaviours and it won't achieve what he wants it to achieve.

He will of course deny that was the intention. That's stepping into gaslighting.

Then I'd start to research what manipulation and gaslighting looks like so you can recognise them.

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E

try this... its a quick quiz, and it uncovers some toxic behaviours you might not realise are toxic.

@April1928 Im sorry OP. I would be worried. Is he open to discuss difficult things with you or resistant?
I can see the problem also being that this had put you on alert and you start tiptoeing around him - please be aware of this and don’t do it as this is not a secure relationship (if this happens) and you don’t deserve it.

I Wouldn’t worry too much about what you have written. There are many ways to read it, obviously previous posters have covered some pretty negative interpretations, they could be right but I will just offer a couple of alternatives. Maybe he feels defensive or not listened to? Maybe he’s a bit immature and is leaning for real that marriage isn’t so easy but you can’t just walk away, maybe the hurt you comment is him trying to dismiss the likelihood that he actually would leave or trying to process the feelings

anyway you’re in a better position to work it out than randoms on the internet