Grief and Marriage is it me?

[Ladybugface16]

I lost my DSis ten years ago. Had a baby at roughly same time. Few years later lost my DM. DH has raged that my grief has ruined last ten years. I feel he has lacked empathy (including if I’m ill, talking about work etc). My close friends and family do not recognise why he says. Red flags popped up during our relationship but spread out over years. There’s been a recent acute increase in him criticising me, irrational behaviour, comments like he’s ruined his career for my kids/family. Laid into my DDad for not buying us lunch more (wtf). If I pull him up on bad behaviour it escalates horrendously- resulting in silent treatment, him accusing me of abuse and not dealing with my grief. Friends are shocked when I have shared his behaviour. They think I should LTB. I’m not rich and worried about the kids (x2) and housing. AIBU to LTB?

Neither of you are happy and are just making each other miserable.
Leave and find happiness.

I don’t say this lightly but I do think his behaviour is abusive. I would get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Maybe give Women’s Aid a call - does he belittle you?

He sounds horrific. Please do start making steps to leave him. This is definitely him, not your issues. He's an abusive man. Plan quietly and carefully. You could start with a conversation with women's aid. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be an abusive relationship, and it is bad enough for you and your children to need some help.

He sounds like a twat from your version of events
Is it possible that you are over fixating on your grief and it's becoming all consuming and he's telling you ?

It can be very difficult living with someone that's super negative all the time. Do you need councilng? You can self refer in the NHS.

I don’t think I am over fixating, I am very stoic. It was tough in the immediate aftermath of grief but I had young kids and a job and got on with it. Still socialised, booked holidays, days out etc etc. he never talks to me about any of it to know if I was fixating or not

He has been good financially and domestically but this is often thrown back in my face when we argue

He sounds like a monster.

I truly feel I am the positive one out of us two, I really appreciate what I have most of the time. Though I am comfortable talking about death which is also part of my job. I am tired like most of us at my age in full time work. He is very negative in general, critical of family/acquaintances. Seems jealous of others. I have been told that I am toxic and incapable of being in a relationship with a man. He can have periods of what I consider heavy drinking too.

Thanks everyone for your replies

Yes - he has, called me a terrible wife,mocked me in arguments

Oh, heavy drinking.
There's your answer. And I bet he thinks he doesn't drink much, but if he does it's your fault.

It’s on/off alcohol wise. One week when things were seemingly ok, he must’ve had 4/5 bottles of wine at home. Then nothing the next. I have let him initiate sex more than I over the years, guess I’ve just not felt relaxed around him due to the mood swings. Big turn off

Also my child said last night he doesn’t always like being alone with DH as he can be mean

Final nail in coffin!
It's well and truly over.

I'd bet good money on a huge percentage of your grief over loss of your loved ones, being bound up with grief over living with this man.

I don’t know what is normal anymore. We’re now sat in the living room watching TV, he’s being civil and talking about our holiday in July. What fuckery is this

Yeah I would agree. Also losing my strong female figures that would’ve yanked me out of this mess. I think that’s why I feel strong as I have lost them, raised kids, put up with his BS and not yet cracked up. Yet.