To ask for positive experiences after a toxic relationship

[bananascentedhair]

Like so many of us, I'm feeling disillusioned following the end of my relationship recently. This man was incredibly toxic, manipulative, dishonest and brought out the very worst in me. I was constantly on edge, anxious and my health suffered massively.

This relationship was my first since my divorce from a man who I believed was my soulmate but ultimately did the dirty on me too (though I wouldn't put him in the same category as my ex boyfriend)

I'm in therapy to work through my issues around self esteem but I would love to hear positive stories from those of you further down the line from coming out of a toxic/damaging relationship and how your life looks now? 🩵

Abusive relationship of ten years through my 20s. Occasionally (4/5 times) physically but massively emotionally and sometimes financially. Took me 4 years and lots of work on myself to date again. I was very picky: friends told me my standards were too high. Met DP in my mid 30s and he’s honestly wonderful. The kindest, most thoughtful and honest man I’ve ever met.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you your standards are too high. Hold out for someone who deserves you 💐

Would recommend the freedom program if you haven’t already done it

@IThoughtHeWasWithYou That's amazing. So happy for you. The thought of ever meeting another man, let alone trusting one terrifies me but it's good to know that it might be a possibility one day.

I will look into the freedom programme, thankyou x

My ex was truly awful . He left for ow when we had a 3 month old baby . Four years later , I met a newly single friend of a friend and we have been together 21 years . He is wonderful.

@Toomanysquishmallows our stories are strikingly similar in terms of what ex-DH did to me... so pleased you found your happiness x

Worse case scenario is that you end up in a few more toxic relationships but you manage to spot them quicker. So you might date one arsehole for 4 months, the next for 3 months and then a couple of fortnight long dalliances because you are getting better and better and seeing the red flags. That was my experience anyway, it was a learning curve rather than an epiphany. Ended up eventually with a fabulous man.

You can be on your own and it's wonderful.

I was with my ex for nearly 30 years. He was occasionally physically abusive, constantly emotionally and financially. I didn't see quite how bad it was until I was out of the relationship.

I can have a normal relationship with my family now and the few friends that I've got left but more than anything my life is now calm.

I can make my own choices, not ones I've been manipulated into making that were to his benefit. That, above all, is the one thing I treasure. Still, quite a few years after splitting up, every evening, I value being able to eat what I want, how I want. I can watch what I want on the TV without him trying to stop me enjoying what I did enjoy or forcing me to watch what I didn't.

Choices - the new black 😎

I can't see myself ever sharing my home again, it's my peaceful, tranquil sanctuary.

These replies are helping so much- Thankyou. It's so heartwarming to read about those of you who have created a happy life for yourselves (keep them coming!)

I am eternally grateful I have a home of my own, beautiful children, and the privilege of being able to close the door on my home (safe space) and nobody can take that away from me... I cannot imagine letting anybody else into that, at least not in the foreseeable.

ExDH was a master cocklodger who trashed my self esteem, I left at 32, bankrupt with kid in tow. Narrowly escaped a rebound relationship with a guy who couldnt keep the mask on long enough; quickly started getting very controlling recognising I was vulnerable but I'd had enough and got rid quick!

I sorted my career out, earn loads of money, bought a gorgeous georgian house with a big garden and have new DP of 6yrs who treats me like an equal and is the kindest human imaginable.

@Peripop wow, what a turnaround. So much strength in recognising quickly the toxicity after the mask fell, especially when you were vulnerable at the time.

Happy for you 🌺

I recognise so much of this, its hard to explain to ppl, the railroading into making decisions that magically benefit him, so its not like he's stood over you with a raised fist demanding things so you cant say he 'made' you do it, but he always comes up smelling of roses and you lose out somehow 😔

Agree with this @Peripop ... my ex never raised his voice at me, never called me a name... but somehow made me feel like I had to always be on my best behaviour and the subtle ways that he did this don't make sense when I try to put it into words, the sly put downs or the look in his eye sometimes when he didn't agree with something I was saying... still sends shivers down my spine.

Exactly @Peripop . I asked him what he thought of the new skirt I was trying on. He said it was "fine". The tone of his voice was enough for me to put that skirt to the back of my wardrobe and never wear it. It wasn't just the skirt it was the memory of how he made me feel.

It can be so insidious. So easily deniable so that you look like the crazy one if you bring it up or react.

All because they feel so inadequate. Strong people don't need to behave like that.

Hi all
Thought I’d post an update on here as I know how helpful it’s been for me to read similar threads and then read updates from the OP down the line.

Still in NC with ex, he’s still blocked. I have wrestled with wanting him to reach out to apologise/validate me. But I recognise this is from a place of ego, as I want to know that I might have meant something to him or I’m somehow missed.

However I know in my rational brain that him reaching out would only serve to lead me down the familiar path of confusion and anxiety and it’s truly for the best that he hasn’t, and demonstrates who he is as a person, totally selfish and self serving.

I have been on a couple of dates with one man, and spoken to a few others (OLD) and my red flag radar is HIGH. The guy I went on a few dates with was nice, but ultimately I recognise he isn’t for me and this isn’t the right time. Before this experience I would have just gone along with it, burying my own feelings because I felt “wanted” by someone else, but I won’t be doing that anymore.

I haven’t had any urge to reach out to my ex. The trauma bond is strong, I still ruminate over events that happened and red flags that I ignored. Ultimately all I can do is work on myself so I don’t blindside myself again in the future.

I am satisfied knowing that I am growing, whilst he will be stuck in the same cycle of cheating, lying and hurting people.

Have also really been enjoying my own company where ever possible, even enjoying a spot of gardening here and there! 🌷