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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be concerned ?

15 replies

Coffeeinthemorn · 15/02/2025 21:24

I am dating this really lovely guy he’s 28 but I’m starting to notice a lot of chat around drinking, getting drunk and gambling.

I come from a family that doesn’t really drink or use any substances so I’m not sure if this is just normal. He works in the bar industry so is having a shot or something while at work, he will go to the pub and have around 3-4 pints atleast 3 times a week. I’ve been hanging out with his family I haven’t met his brothers sober if they are not talking about getting drunk they are talking about gambling on horses and betting apps. We went out the other day and what put me off he kept saying I’m only having one more pint, which I found strange as I never asked or alluded to him not drinking. So it made me more aware of why he was making a big deal of it being his last drink even though he would continue to get more. It was like he was gasping for a drink and also felt like he was saying it maybe because he’s been used to people telling him to not drink?

I don’t know if this is Just how people live or if i should be concerned. Like he just text me saying I’m out and we getting really drunk do you want to come…even though I told him I was in bed. it just feels like something a 18 year old would say

OP posts:
NachoChip · 15/02/2025 21:30

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter whether it's normal by society's standards, what matters is whether you have the same standards and boundaries. It sounds like your lifestyles may not be a natural fit so you have two choices - you respect each other's differences and find a way to focus on what you do have in common, or go your separate ways.

Worsthousebeststreet · 15/02/2025 21:31

Some people are like that and some aren't but the only thing that matters is that it bothers you. I would think carefully about whether you're really suited to each other for the long term. If you're constantly at odds with each other about how much you do or don't want to drink I expect that will wear thin pretty quickly.

Original poster
Coffeeinthemorn · 15/02/2025 21:34

I never thought much of it as it’s his life. But he is making comments like “I’m only drinking a little, don’t worry” “I don’t drink all the time” “ I’m not an alcoholic” when I haven’t said anything. I can accept him drinking if he’s not a crash out. But in the back of my mind I’m wondering why he’s making these comments when I haven’t said anything. I don’t know if he’s saying it just incase or he’s secretly got/ had drinking problems

OP posts:
Fencehedge · 15/02/2025 21:35

Ugh. Yanbu. These saddos give me the ick. Bloody boring bastards though they think they're the dog's bollocks. They're all on coke btw.

Fencehedge · 15/02/2025 21:37

I think it sounds like he is used to girlfriends being concerned about his drinking.. Which in itself is also of course, a concern.

Endofyear · 15/02/2025 21:48

Sorry OP but it sounds like you're not well suited. If his leisure time revolves around drinking and gambling, is that what you want to do with your life? It doesn't sound like he's for you.

PeppermintPatty10 · 15/02/2025 21:54

I agree with @Endofyear you're not suited, sorry OP.
I'm sure that he's really nice but you've got to be compatible to have a good relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are.

Flightsoffancy · 15/02/2025 21:57

Sounds to me like your gut instinct is telling you something. Listen to it!
I should add that this would really put me off. In my younger days I would have pushed it aside, but I'd have ended up bailing and wishing I'd done it sooner rather than later.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 15/02/2025 22:10

Please don't waste time with a gambler who drinks. I wasted 10 years on one, it didn't end well. We never had any money. They will always put drinking and gambling before you. Will never admit they have a problem and blame you for being a party pooper if you complain about it. I'm now with a lovely man who barely drinks and if we ever broke up I wouldn't date a drinker again.

ItGhoul · 15/02/2025 22:32

OP, it doesn’t really matter whether anyone here thinks he does/doesn’t drink too much. This is clearly bothering you and it will continue to bother you. He isn’t going to change. He works in the bar industry and clearly likes a drink and you are never going to be comfortable with his drinking, so you are not compatible.

Doobeedoodoo · 15/02/2025 22:34

OP, he’s got a drinking problem. And it probably runs in the family, that’s their normal.
Now long have you been seeing him?

I would seriously rethink this relationship and steer clear from all the issues that he’s bound to bring into your life

Original poster
Coffeeinthemorn · 15/02/2025 22:47

He’s called me drunk being confrontational and has been thrown out of a place. he told me why he was thrown out and it’s 100% his fault. He’s saying I’m not backing him and it’s like I’m banging my head going around in circles with someone. I don’t understand how you can become such a difficult person while drunk and if he does as someone of his age I would expect him to regulate that act like an adult and not get in trouble.

OP posts:
DollydaydreamTheThird · 15/02/2025 23:20

You need to get out now OP. That kind of confrontational behaviour escalates the deeper you go into the relationship and he will get a lot nastier with you once the novelty has worn off. Men(and women) who have drunk 4 pints of strong lager(that he admits to.....normally they've drunk more) can flip out over the littlest things. Agree with previous poster who said he's probably from an alcoholic family. My ex was.
Find someone whose life doesn't revolve around the drink. You know deep down this is what you need to do or you wouldn't have posted it in here. I wish you the best of luck. ❤

Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 15:45

Coffeeinthemorn · 15/02/2025 22:47

He’s called me drunk being confrontational and has been thrown out of a place. he told me why he was thrown out and it’s 100% his fault. He’s saying I’m not backing him and it’s like I’m banging my head going around in circles with someone. I don’t understand how you can become such a difficult person while drunk and if he does as someone of his age I would expect him to regulate that act like an adult and not get in trouble.

Sigh. You're dumping the pisshead now I hope?

MuddyPawsIndoors · 16/02/2025 15:51

I don't get why you need to actively make a decision about being concerned.

You're obviously concerned, otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread.

His 'normal' is not your 'normal' and you're completely incompatible by the sound of it.

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