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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my mum to have dd overnight?

45 replies

Pinkjenny · 09/05/2008 12:32

My mum is an absolute star with dd, and has gone part time at work to look after her two days a week for us. Dd absolutely worships her.

DD is a really bad sleeper, (as I've said before) and continues to wake lots and lots, always ending up in bed with us. Consequently, mum has only had her overnight twice, and she's one next week.

Because my mum doesn't want to co-sleep with my dad in the bed, both times she has ended up in the single bed with dd, as dad says the single bed is too uncomfortable for him, and she ends up having a really crap nights sleep, as we do every night!

Sometimes, I would love an evening to myself, to actually enjoy watching tv, chat to dh, go for a drink, whatever. The only two occasions on which my mum has had dd overnight have borne out of me crying from tiredness and her offering to have her.

I appreciate that the bigger issue is solving dd's sleep issues. But is it unreasonable to ask my mum and dad to have her overnight tonight or tomorrow night? Just so we can recharge?

Am I being a selfish daughter?

OP posts:

Lulumama · 09/05/2008 13:08

we have a kingsize and bags of room for DD or DS if they get in in the morning.

i think maybe you need to make a decision to either co -sleep 'properly' or to get her to learn to settle in her own room

the no cry sleep solution is meant to be good, but i think you need to prepare for some rough nights. no pain no gain and all that

Umlellala · 09/05/2008 13:10

My mum looked after dd 2 days a week from 5mths when I went back to work term-time until I stopped work recently. She often/regularly took her home with her and brought her back the next day (tbh I think this was easier than coming up to me each day). And now I don't work, she still often has dd (now 2) overnight reasonably regularly - approx once every month or so (had her this week - and a few weeks ago for 2 nights). Admittedly she doesn't work - and dd is first grandchild - so is pretty delighted to have her .

Dd has hardly ever slept through either but my mum is brill and either sleeps on single bed with her/on the floor or comforts her whatever is needed. Oh, and she gets up with her at 6am if dh and I stay over so we can have a lie-in!I am pregnant at the mo so the help is even MORE appreciated. Dd ADORES her nanna and happily stays over (we have done it more since she is older I think) - and hardly gives me a second glance .

I think we are very very lucky and I appreciate my mum very much. I don't think you are unreasonable to ask your mum if she would like to look after her, but it depends how you think she feels about it. I do like to give mum a bit of notice - and always say 'obviously say no, if you can't' (and my mum has done if she is busy or just not feeling up to it).

Oh, and don't forget to send her some random flowers to say thank you for all her free childcare

thelittlestbadger · 09/05/2008 13:10

Hi, I don't think you are being totally unreasonable BTW but agree that it is worth sorting out the sleeping. Unless you want to co-sleep is it worth trying to sort out your DD's room?

Anyway, was going to suggest that seeing as you have a saintly mum - would it be worth you asking her to come and stay over at yours for a couple of nights to help get DD sorted out. It will probably take longer than this but at least your mum would be around to take DD for an hour or two in the morning to help you get some sleep. Might be worth a thought?

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/05/2008 13:11

Co-sleep properly Lulu - enlighten me. When would she go to bed? When we do? Would she get straight into our bed?

I never intended to co-sleep so am making it up as I go along.

OP posts:

Umlellala · 09/05/2008 13:14

PS not sure it is easy as saying 'sort out the sleeping' - would there be a million books on the subject if it was?

Lulumama · 09/05/2008 13:14

i am not the best person to ask ! as i mostly know about it in terms of breastfeeding and new borns.. there are lots of parents on here who do co-sleep and can tell you the best way to do it... i don;t know if there are rules as scuh, but just to go with what feels right for you as a family.. just think that you need to make a choice and then commit to it, and see how it goes, rather than a bit of this and that, then you will all know where you are up to

cheesesarnie · 09/05/2008 13:14

three in a bed by deborah jackson is a fab book for cosleepers if you decide to cosleep full time.lots of good tips.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/05/2008 13:15

Agreed Lulu - poor dd doesn't know what's happening.

Cheese - will look up that book.

OP posts:

YouNeverKnow · 09/05/2008 13:20

we did cc with dd1 it was very difficult i wont lie!
but.........
it worked well shes hit 2.5yrs now and is naughty around bed toime but i kind of expect that at this age

cheesesarnie · 09/05/2008 13:20

hers one.not same cover as on one i had,maybe updated?

cheesesarnie · 09/05/2008 13:22

Umlellala -i know but we can try to help cant we.
wouldnt it be good if babies had a switch like baby annabel does.

Umlellala · 09/05/2008 13:22

Agree about making plans and then sticking to them for a week - then revise, and do it again or differently. (Think sleep solution bookis a lot like this. She also says that if you need a 'break' and just don't think about it for a week that's ok too )

Do borrow 3 in a bed from library - whilst we don't co-sleep 'officially', it was great for making me feel like i wasnt a complete weirdo for wanting to sleep snuggled next to my baby (actually might borrow it again [grin))

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/05/2008 13:22

Thanks Cheese.

YouNeverKnow - I think you have to do what feels right to you, and I am so that you did CC successfully. But I just can't do it.

OP posts:

Umlellala · 09/05/2008 13:38

Oh, I am not saying that sleep can't be improved. Just that it might not be possible to 'sort'!

My dd happily goes to bed and happily sleeps all night - but wakes up several times and STILL does. takes less than a minute to deal with (have done patches of her in own bed, patches of sleeping with her when I need unbroken sleep!). For me, I could never do CC as it just doesnt fit what I think my dd has needed to learn (and no, I can't let her cry for more than about 15 seconds!! ).

We have had various stages of learning to sleep alone, learning to sleep without milk etc - and obv this hasn't always been simple or easy, but I have wanted to wait til I knew she was old enough to understand. Try to think of it as learning new skills - and you can teach them but IMO they have to be ready to learn them too (like you can't potty train by shoving them on a potty and making them go!!).

YouNeverKnow · 09/05/2008 13:40

lol
it was HARD its not nice but my dh helped me. she ws my 1st my dh has a son from a previous marriage so i think it helped that he was experienced. it broke my heart listening to her cry. my mum did same with me apparently and my dad had to sit on her lol.

obviously if she was in hysteria i would go and try and soothe her but i didnt pick her up just sat next to the cot and stroked her neck.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 09/05/2008 13:41

Uml - agreed - I think I am so conditioned to feeling like 'sleeping through' is the ultimate achievement of motherhood.

Having said that, a good night's sleep wouldn't go amiss! And neither would a bit of 'the other'.

OP posts:

YouNeverKnow · 09/05/2008 13:43

every night at least one dd will wake up at some point. dont think there is such a thing if sleeping thriugh as such

flowerybeanbag · 09/05/2008 13:44

PJ fab news about the job! Best of luck and all that.

Umlellala · 09/05/2008 13:50

Dh or I have to run and check at about 5am if she hasn't woken at all

YouNeverKnow i think you are prob right, everyone I know has kids that wake at least once occasionally - although i would love her to 'sleep through' or even just wake once at the moment. Actually though, think it was better when she woke a lot but slept til 8am (rather than 5.45am at the mo )

pindywop · 09/05/2008 17:25

YABU - my dd did not sleep until 2 1/2 due to eczema and I was desperate.
In the end, when she started sleeping better I kind of told my mum she slept ok and they now have her about once a month.

dd gets into bed with my dad (who could sleep in the fast lane of a motorway and not be disturbed!) in the early hours and my mum gets into her bed.

I would not have asked them to have her when she was really bad at sleeping as it would be too cheeky.

They had my ds overnight from a year old but he always slept through

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