To have a pity party?

[kittay]

I'm all alone.

My ex husband left me for another woman.

I met someone else after a while. I loved him so much and things felt wonderful, everything I ever wanted. All the cliche stuff.

We had a baby and not long after he left me too.

So now I am a single mum of 4, 3 from my first marriage and 1 from my ex partner.

It's been years but I can't seem to move on. I just feel so sad all the time.

I try and make sure all my children have a happy childhood, we do activities, they play sports, we go on family holidays. Our home is happy and calm they have everything they need.

But I just feel nothing myself. I know I love my children but I feel so empty all the time. I hate my job and my boss reduces me to tears on a regular basis, but I can't quit as I'm supporting 4. Have applied for other jobs just no luck.

I dread every day, I feel pathetic.

I haven't tried dating even though it's been so long as I just feel nothing, I know I'm not ready and I'm trying just to concentrate on my kids.

I'm so tired all the time, with work and juggling the kids. I dread waking up every day and think "I can't do this again".

I spend so much time ruminating over my ex partner. I thought I was getting a happy ending. The further away the memories get the sadder I become. I've had therapy, I'm on antidepressants and it doesn't help.

I have no family so it's just us.

I want to be happier but I don't know how.

That sounds really hard, and I'm sorry about your ex partner. Do you get any time to yourself? Are the kids dads involved at all? Sounds like you are giving so much to everyone else there is nothing left for you

Do you get a lot of exercise OP? If not, I do recommend it, as having suffered depression for years, I used to find that a good, brisk walk for half an hour made the world of difference to how I felt. Sadly, due to disability I can't do it now, but very much wish I could, as it did help.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Maybe also go back to your GP and tell them that the antidepressants aren't working for you.

The elder children see their dad EOW, sometimes a bit more as they are secondary age. The youngest doesn't see their Dad at all. I pay for a babysitter occasionally, like a few times a year but I can't afford any more than that.

I spend so much time ruminating over my ex partner.

For a start, stop this. You're doing yourself no favours sitting and dwelling on the past. It's gone, you're only going to feel worse keep going over and over that. Each time you catch yourself, imagine a big STOP ✋️ and stop, it'll get easier to stop, hard at first but keep trying.

One step at a time, happier times comes in small steps. Try to find joy in small things, more importantly achievable things, a walk in the park, a stroke of a dog, a blue sky, a pretty flower, a fabulous cup of coffee - and when you encounter these things, acknowledge them. So, what a beautiful flower, what a lovely day, what a tasty treat, I am glad I am having this experience. You are rewiring your brain, positive affirmations,

I am in charge of how I feel and I choose to feel happy. Write it on the fridge, repeat it out loud. Every time you see the note.

small steps.

That's really good advice, I used to do a lot before I had my younger child and always felt good for it. Now I work full time and drive over an hour to work and back each day, my days are so long I'm exhausted when I get home then dinner or whatever running around the kids need for their things. Weekends are just busy too with the children. I struggle to even get one walk in a week. Not trying to be negative at all.

Imagining a stop sign is helpful, thank you. I do try and stop myself a I know it's a waste of energy but it's very tough. I will try that everytime something pops into my head.

Does the youngest's Dad pay maintenance? Or has he just disappeared without a care? What about the grandparents on his side, are they interested?

You're doing amazingly in the circumstances. I think you need more breaks and financial help.

You say you work full time OP, could you not get out for a walk at lunchtime? Please don't tell me you work through your lunch, as if so, you're really not helping yourself, and no employer is entitled to expect that of you.

I also used to find that even if I was exhausted, if I could just make myself go out of the door, I always felt so much better, and had lots more energy when I got back.

The past is done, you can't change anything so leave it there. You won't achieve happiness by thinking what could have been.

Celebrate small achievements, Today I want to achieve three things, easy things, tidy the bed, empty the trash and go for a walk - and then when you do each one, make a point to celebrate it " yay I did a task on my list, I did well today"

and at the end of the day do it again, celebrate your "done" list. It seems so stupid, but it rewires your brain, when you celebrate and acknowledge your own achievements (no matter how small), it does something.

Good luck. Each day is a new day, ✨️

Google says this.

To be happier, you can try exercising, sleeping well, practicing gratitude, and building resilience.

Exercise
Regular exercise can improve your mood and mental well-being.
Even a short walk can help you feel happier.

Sleep
Getting enough sleep can help you feel more resilient and less vulnerable to negative thinking.

Gratitude
Practicing gratitude can help you learn to live a happy life, even during difficult times.
Acknowledging what's good in your life can help you be happier.

Resilience
Building resilience can help you cope with life's ups and downs.
Making something worthwhile from painful times can help you grow your resilience.

Other habits
Smiling
Eating with mood in mind
Giving compliments
Breathing deeply
Acknowledging unhappy moments
Meditating
Spending time with pets
Hugging or kissing loved ones
Getting exposure to sunlight
Eating foods high in tryptophan

You can also try achieving your goals. When you achieve something specific, you can use that knowledge to replicate that happiness in the future.

He does pay maintenance. I am grateful as I know some people get nothing or very little. It's more than some people would get but it's not enough to pay for a regular baby sitter so I can have a break. I only do it for special occasions so I can still go for a meal with friends occasionally etc.

I do try and go for a walk at lunch if I can. But 90% of the time I work through my lunch, it's the type of job where it's expected as it's very busy.

You need to give yourself a grear, big pat on the back. You're raising four happy, balanced, children in a calm home whilst being a working mum. No wonder you're so tired!

As another poster has said, try to get some exercise, it will make you feel more positive.

That sounds really traumatic and Im sorry you’ve been badly let down by men. Have you had any counselling? If financially that’s not an option, do you read any therapy / self-help books? I would prioritise spending some time on your mental health to try and find a way to be happier in the future. You’ve got a lot on your plate and it sounds like you’re doing really well to hold everything together, but to do more than get by, you deserve to rebuild yourself.

Sorry you say you’ve had therapy. Maybe a different therapist or a different style of therapy, or even some (quality) self help books / podcasts

Get something you can exercise on at home, second hand bike off eBay, or look at Caroline girvan and other YouTube videos, they are free. Small set of dumbbells are cheap, and it's something for you once kids are in bed.

Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I used to love to read! Now I haven't picked up a book in years, I just don't find the time. I go to bed with the kids, I'm so exhausted. I could probably put more effort in to make 30 mins on the weekend. It's like I've just given up on myself. I can't even remember the last time I even watched TV.

I started Caroline girvan a while ago actually. I'm pretty thin but not toned or healthy, I don't eat well as I'm always so rushed. I did a couple of weeks but I was having to get up early before work (I'm talking 5am) to get it in and I just felt even more knackered.

I just don't see a way out, this is my life and it isn't as I expected! I'm taking the kids away next week and I know I will put on a smile and be "happy mum" but inside I don't feel it.

I dream regularly of being able to quit my job and just having time to recover from all my trauma but it's not an option.

I just KNEW that you were going to say you work through your lunch OP, and while it may be 'the type of job where it's expected', do you really think your employer would give a shit if you dropped dead tomorrow? The fact that you say your boss reduces you to tears on a regular basis, confirms this, so stop giving your employer any more than you absolutely have to, and use that lunch break for YOU not him! It might be different, if you were really appreciated, but the vast majority of employers really only care about their own job and the bottom line, and rarely give a toss about their employees unless they're inconvenienced by them going off sick or quitting.

It seems clear to me, that absolutely everything for YOU has gone by the board OP, in favour of everyone else, and no matter how guilty you might feel, about taking a bit of time for you, this is YOUR life and you need to live it, not just let it go by in a flueey of work, and running around after the kids. Of course your kids need you, but they also need you to to stay fit and well, and you can't go on like this. So PLEASE make this the week where you start making little changes. The first being take your full lunch break and go for that walk. Then make an appointment to see your GP, and tell them that you are really struggling, and that you feel you may need stronger antidepressants.

You say that some of your kids are secondary age, do they help around the house at all? If not, then it's time they started. You're a Mum on her own, trying to do the work of TWO parents, while working full time and having no respite, so it's time for a sit down with the kids, and tell them you need their help for the greater good of all the family. Of course if they already do their bit, then ignore this paragraph.

I really feel for you OP, as it sounds like life has been really tough on you for a while, so I would love to think you'd take some of the advice given on here, and start taking a little time for YOU. Sending a virtual hug and some 💐your way.

I really feel for you OP, the same as others on this post, as I have been you, too, give or take a child to the second marriage. Keep on with the medication, and try different ones. I think I've tried most SSRI's and SRNI's and found some better than others. For me, Sertraline was a godsend. In my experience, though, they don't make you 'happy' per se, (I was just aiming to reach 'content', and stop the daily crying as I couldn't function like that).
Even without us trying, life takes us down new paths. Sometimes we have to tempt fate a little, (I retrained in a job I loved), and through that my whole life became happier. I then ended up having my own business in that line of work, that then enabled me to choose my hours to fit round the DC and ten years down the line, semi retire and grow my qualifications in a hobby job with my dogs.
Yes, it's stifling now, but I can guarantee when those DC are older, you will sit there with immense pride, at the fact that you are the reason they have thrived and survived.
*in my 'crisis' time, I also had a massive back injury; thought my life was over, again it led down paths I would not have explored otherwise, Pilates being one - it's so therapeutic for the body, and helps relax the mind.

Such a good post👏👏👏