To think this is super controlling and not okay?

[Pyarrki]

I was speaking to one of the grads at work. He produces good work and he's passionate about the job and the industry.

I was chatting to him over lunch and asked him what made him do his masters. He told me that his parents very much pressured to do one. They were very much adamant that he had to do a master's immediately after UG no questions asked. No taking a year out to decide, no working and then doing a master's. His parents drilled it into him that a master's was the key to a high paying career.

The programmes this lad wanted to do, his parents didn't approve at all. They were slightly less maths heavy so his parents thought they were "not as good". So he ended up doing one his parents approved off. He knew the course wasn't for him, but he did it anyway. He absolutely hated the course and scraped a merit by the skin of his teeth. He had good friends in the master's, but deep down regrets the whole master's experience.

Surely this is completely wrong and controlling?

The parents made it seem that because they had the ability to pay and fund a master's that he had to do one. No questions asked.

I feel most people who would willingly fund a master's for their kids wouldn't pressure their kids to do one.

You know very little about this story. His parents' view may be very different.

He was presumably an adult and chose not to apply for a loan or pay for it himself. His parents sound very domineering but ultimately it's his choice to capitulate.

Had to do a masters, or what? I might come across as insensitive here, but he was an adult and it was ultimately his choice. If someone had tried to tell me what to do at that age I would have told them to politely F off.

He told me there was a lot of guilt tripping and lots of "don't come crying to me when you get out earned by those with postgraduate degrees"

I don’t necessarily agree with the parental guilt trip, but they’re right about the future

Trying to word this without coming across racist but: is he Asian by any chance?
There's a stereotype of them being more pushy and having higher expectations of their children

Well he's a grown man. He's telling you he didn't really like it and did it to appease his parents. Well, that's still his choice. Nobody was holding a gun to his head. Maybe they funded his entire uni career, paid his rent, and this is the first job he's ever had to do to support himself?

If someone said their parents told them to go and work in the biscuit factory at 16 without bothering to take their GCSEs, and kicked them out the family home, then that would be substantially worse.

Talking about your parents making life decisions on your behalf to your colleagues isn't the best impression to make as a mid 20s graduate.

Surely you just say "ok I won't" and move on?

Sorry, still don't get it. There comes a point where you just have to grow up and make your own decisions.

Would he have had his job without the master's degree?

It's just that there were other programs he would have loved to have done, but his parents didn't approve. And I've had a look at what he wanted to do, they weren't "Mickey mouse degrees" at all, his parents just didn't approve.

Yes he is. (And he lived at home during most of his undergraduate course)

Yes he would have.

I think there’s a whole world of culture and expectation that you are only seeing a tiny bit of here.

Ultimately yes the pressure he felt was real to him and he has just gone along with their wishes.

on the other hand, he’s had a comfortable life and now has a postgraduate education that will be of benefit to him in the future.

It’s more complicated than right and wrong.

It's a culture thing then

Not saying it's ok, it's ridiculous to put that much pressure on an adult, but it explains it

Nobody should bully another person into doing anything, but unfortunately, if you paint DOORMAT on your back and lie flat on your face, someone will walk all over you, and the chances are that it will be a relative.

How old is he?

I had controlling parents myself and it was very difficult to get out from under their thumb. I also experienced lot of guilt-tripping. It's really hard to deal with. It also grooms you for abuse and exploitation and I have experienced that several times during my career. It still struggle sometimes to advocate for myself, to say no, to not let managers and coworkers walk all over me, to negotiate for better pay.

Micromanaging every step of your children's lives has a very damaging effect.

Firstly, he could've said "no" but I know parental pressure can have a huge impact but quite frankly he is very, very far from the only person to ever bow to it. Secondly, he sounds as though he's doing alright. To be honest, we've all got a sad tale to tell so I don't know why you're so invested in his. As your life progresses you'll realise there are far worse life stories out there.

It’s just the way it is.

You do what your parents want, I did a social science degree. Do you know how stupid my family thought that was? a lot. We are all older now and you know I am the lowest earner out of my siblings. I still earned above the UK national average but regardless of liberal sensibilities and people not liking it when it comes to career progression and all that stuff they are generally always correct. Sadly the good at maths Asian stereotype passed me by I’m better than average but the engineering and pharmaceutical science degrees my brothers did required excellent maths.

He can study for fun later, plus he chose to be supported by them, he could have worked and paid his way through University, that’s what I did. You can stand up to parents, you got be be pretty tough. I would argue with my Dad, I’m deemed very difficult by my brothers, I’m really not I just did what I wanted to, I have never done anything remotely illegal or out there just not exactly what they wanted.

It's more common than not, is this really the first time you've come across it?

It's also pretty much guaranteed in a lot of cultures. And far better to do a master's for a year that you don't like than to be pressured into marrying someone and starting a family against your will at 21. Education and a career is long term freedom.

This is a completely cultural thing - have you not come across this before? Most of my friends from Indian or Asian backgrounds were pushed into careers that were deemed ‘acceptable’ by their parents - doctors, lawyers, accountants. They wouldn’t have dreamed of doing any other profession as their parents would be deeply disappointed in them. To them it’s just part of life and when they were younger they just always knew they would end up being one of these things.

Him doing a masters is all part of this kind of viewpoint.

24

Are people really forced into marriages in the UK? Is that actually a thing? Like in the UK itself