Sanity check

[Morag273]

Morning all, please bear with me but seeking a sanity check following an eventful night.

Context: we have a 2 year old DD who is a challenging sleeper, especially when under the weather (like now). Usual routine is she will sleep until midnight and then wake up crying and come into our bed, where DH will then leave for the spare room. Sometimes if she will let DH settle her he will take her to the spare room with him, or if she goes straight back to sleep we may all sleep in the same bed together. Most nights, it ends up me sleeping with DD and DH sleeps in the spare room (this annoys me, but he maintains he is a light sleeper and needs to be in the spare room so he can sleep).

Last night, DD woke up crying asking for me, came into my bed and DH went to the spare room. DD would not settle. She wanted duvet, didn’t want duvet, got upset when I pulled it back up because I was cold. Wanted a drink, got upset when I passed it to her because I took a sip first. Wanted a cuddle, didn’t want a cuddle. She called for Daddy. When I called DH and he eventually came in, she then didn’t want him. Was kicking me saying go away mummy. It was very stressful.

DH then scooped her up and took her away to the spare room with him. She was not happy about this and screamed. I then heard him take her back to her own room, but heard further screaming and crying and shouts of “let me out daddy” and banging on the door. I get up and ask DH if he has locked her in her room, he says yes. He’s holding the door shut. He says he’s “handling her”. I said he’s not - I expected him to comfort her not lock her in her room! I asked him to open the door. He said no. I asked again. He said no. We are raising voices by this point and DH is furious with fists clenched. I said open the door now and he replies, “or what?”. I obviously can’t overpower his physical strength, and in the heat of the moment I say, “or I’ll call the police”. DH calls my bluff and says, “go on then.” So I do.

Whilst I’m on the phone to the operator explaining what has happened, DH releases the door and DD runs through to me. They still have to send someone out, so the police turn up and we have to give statements. They have to record the visit as a domestic non-crime and due the nature of the call, will also have to refer us to a children’s social service. They explain they have no concerns and doubt the services will either.

We went back to bed with the intention of talking in the morning. I’ve woken up as if it was all a fever dream. I can’t believe I did it - but I also won’t stand for DH intimidating me and DD being locked in her room crying to get out.

DH has a temper and has previously punched a wall in frustration when DD was a baby but has never been violent towards us.

We both have good careers, a nice house, friends and family etc..

WIBU? Should I have called the police?

I don’t even know where to go from here.

What an absolute shit show
No advice I’m afraid

As an isolated incident it sounds like an overreaction at a time when both of you were tired and stressed. Him for holding the door locked and you for calling the police. But as he has a history of aggression it may have de-escalated a situation. Social services may recommend some parenting classes for both of you.

Of course you did the right thing, and you now need to consider if you want your child growing up with a man who locks her in her room and has to have the police called to get her released.

Can't believe you called the police 😬

You definitely need to talk this through so you don't get to that point again.

This 100%

Sounds like a horrible night
Your daughters behavior sounds typical for a poorly child
Your husband's behavior in taking her to the room and holding the door sounds like he was trying to deal with it like a cry it out situation
Your behavior sounds like you felt like you had no control of a situation you were deeply uncomfortable with, and came up with an extreme option that seemed like the only one at the time
Everyone exhausted
You obviously need to talk calmly about what happened and what better options might be next time

You literally had no other option. Now hopefully your dh will take you seriously in future.

Is this typical of your relationship? Things escalating quickly and getting quite extreme? Him locking her in, you calling the police?

Are you on the same page with parenting?

Or is it purely situational due to the lack of sleep?

I think in future you won’t regret this. It will be uncomfortable and difficult at the moment but it’s a signal to DH that you have it in the locker to take action when needed in a situation where he is trying to overpower you and your child. He needs to know you will do that.
seeming low level exerts of control can escalate, you called it as unacceptable and it also likely will have a HUGE impact on your daughter long term where she was in a trapped situation which could be deemed traumatic and she was able to get out of it, you came to her rescue and made it safe, that’s massive.
going forward on this I’d be careful not to fold and make promises that you’d never do it again, you should approach it more ‘let’s never get into that situation again’ make a plan together for some agrees positive approaches as to how you both handle things like this in the future.
talk about feelings for you both in that moment not so much blame.
what a stressful time OP, trust your mama bear instinct, your little girl will grow up knowing her mum has her back.

At first, I thought it was an overreaction, but I actually think you did the right thing.

Your daughter must have been so scared and confused, which is so heartbreaking.

Well done for standing up for her!

I think you were unreasonable and used the police to 'one up' your husband during a very stressful time for you both! Imagine if he did that to you because he didn't agree with the way you were handling a tantrum

Yes your daughter is unwell but clearly calling the shots! Nothing that either of you did to settle her had worked so far had it?

This is why men withdraw from family life as self preservation, we are all different and under stress can handle things differently, he chose the 'cry it out in a contained space' method, but you felt the need to pander and 'rescue' a child refusing to settle down

Your husband is already sleeping in a separate room most nights while you perpetuate the us vs daddy dynamic, be careful what you wish for, you may find yourself with your DD full time alone and bearing the brunt of those tantrums by yourself in future when he finally seeks out a more peaceful life away from you both!

Which will be best for her daughter who will no longer be subjected to being locked in her bedroom, at two years old, when she's poorly and needing comfort.

Your post is honestly disgusting.

No you're right a stressed out single mum working a full time job is better!

Your child’s behaviour when poorly is an exaggeration of her normal bedtime behaviour.

My DD had night terrors when she was two and I slept on the floor beside her bed when it was bad but I was a firm believer in self soothing and that was the exception. DD in a big bed could not be tamed, she would adopt a thousand positions in one night and acted like she had a right to every square inch of the bed, regardless of who else sleeping in it.