By myself all day

[meghannn]

This is my husband's and I first Valentine's Day as parents. He's not feeling well and has been in bed all day. He had a guy friend come over earlier and got up to hang out with him. I had so many plans for today and now the day is over and he's still in the room. I've been up since 3am with our son I'm exhausted but still needed to clean, run errand and cook dinner 7 weeks pp.

I'm so tired but today I really I wanted to spend time with my husband and I also needed help with our little one. 2 weeks ago I was sick but didn't get time to rest because things still needed to be done. I've been taking him medicine every 4 hours that he will not take. I've tried for hours and he would rather do without.

I don't know what else to do. Honestly I'm a little upset that's he's not taking any medicine. Has been in bed all day except to hang out with his friend and has not helped with our son at all today. I'm not sure if it's just me being hormonal but I feel like crying. Since giving birth I feel like I'm doing it all.

I'm up when our son is fussy, I'm doing all the night feeds, I'm doing all the baths. I never thought things would be like this.

When your husband is well again you need to have a sit down and talk about it. You want to start off the right way, with sharing the childcare and household responsibilities. Some men are too unsure if how to care for a young child and assume that a mother has some in built automatic ability. They need to be encouraged to learn and participate, even if they do it differently to you. As long as the child is safe, let him get to know and care for your son. It's going to ultimately give him a better relationship with his child and have the skills to care for him competently, if you are unwell.

If it's because he's lazy, depressed or thinks it's "womens work" to do domestic chores, this also needs to be addressed because you don't want to be back here asking for advice 20 years later, having been worn out and unhappy.

I would be telling him how it sends the message that you and your son don't matter, when he's capable of making an effort to get up for a friend who visits but doing nothing for either of you. If he's not taking medication, you need to know why. Is there a reason like it doesn't agree with him and there might be a better one that would? He needs to acknowledge that refusing medicine causes you unnecessary stress and anxiety. Taking medication or not is a personal decision, but he has to realise that you need help with a young child and he has some responsibility to try to get better quickly too.

I'm assuming this is your first child and they are quite young. It is a very big change in both of your lives, so communication and working together is the best way forward. I wouldn't focus on it being Valentine Day and having had plans. I understand that it was disappointing but you are trying to create an even and supportive family unit for every day, not just the special ones. Otherwise there's the risk of him minimising it to "Oh she was just annoyed because I didn't bring her flowers and chocolate".

Good luck and congratulations on the birth of your son.