Help!! Feel disappointed with the man I married

[Whatiswrongwithme1234]

I feel so awful, I know my thoughts are horrible but I can't seem to get past it lately.
OH at the moment just (despite good intentions), is a complete cluster fuck.
I am exhausted from the mental load alone of running a house, children and full time job.

I feel so bad as I know that he tries so hard and I know he means well. He is such an amazing person.

He's also good looking- but I've spent so many years being the 'alpha' whilst he has shied away from every situation/ discussion etc. that I struggle to find him attractive.

I think it's maybe worse now as I'm so aware of it. He always skirts back, physically and in any decision.

I'm exhausted from work and three kids and maybe I'm not thinking straight. I think I know IABU but I just can't help but think what a loser!

As though working full time, doing the massive mental load for three kids and etc etc, the least I'd hope for is that he can park the car without driving around a car park twice...

He didn't used to be like this? He's also socially awkward and I think I'm more aware of it now. And disappointed, although I do love him. But I find it difficult to feel any physical attachment to him

You say “he didn’t used to be like this”. I get that you are tired and stressed with the responsibility, but you need to think about what has changed for him to be like this. You mention that he is socially awkward as well as hesitant about things. This sounds like anxiety. Did something happen to increase his anxiety? If you could stand back and figure out what is going on for him, it may be treatable.

You say you do the whole mental load. Did he want this life, and the children? Or was he a bit of a passenger because it’s just “what you do?” I was talking about this recently with a friend and acknowledged that, had I ended up in a relationship where I’d ended up having children, I’d be a shit parent and a shit partner. I’d resent putting my own needs behind everyone else’s and I’d probably check out.

Do you spend any time together as a couple, not just mum and dad running a busy household? Time with each other when you’re the people you were when you met and fell in love? Is there any way to carve out that time with each other, and talk properly about where things are heading and if you’re on the same page?

OP I know exactly how you feel. 3 kids here and full time job. A husband who doesn't take charge of anything is extremely unattractive to me as well.

You want them to be an alpha but because you end up picking up things by default, they just let you do it.

I have no advice other than I'm just trying to get through each day and take it from there.

The only thing I would say is you do need to talk to him. Let him know how exhausting it is to be in that situation and asking him to think of ways he can make your life easier. It has helped me at least.

Good luck

What happens if you step back and let him do things and get them wrong is that ok? Or do you like things done your way?

I hear you OP. I'm divorcing mine as he became worse and I became less forgiving. It ended up with him just doing his job whilst I did mine, did everything for the children, all the usual chores, garden, decorating, DIY, admin. I thought what's the point of him, he can't even put the bloody toilet seat down or lock the door at night to keep his family safe. You reach a point where love is not enough.

My DH is becoming more like this too. Reading responses with interest. I could have written this.

Same. I'm divorced. I struggled to stay emotionally and physically attracted.
I tried speaking, writing letters, helping with a job coach, getting a cleaner and a few other things.
I didn't want to try and force him to be what I needed when it became clear he had no real intention of doing so. Past a point of asking and raising it (years) I no longer wanted it.
And, similarly, once I could see that I was doing most things myself I thought what's the point.

I had three children under five and I carried everything. We split up and suddenly everything was much easier.

I think people do change. There's a settling period after marriage as people feel more secure and more comfortable to let the worse parts of their personality show. Also, after you have kids, you're so busy and stressed that your tolerance for the other person's inabilities or laziness drops right down.

I'd consider if you think you can get through the period of raising kids with him (it's a long time) and ever see him as a worthwhile partner again.

Sounds neurodiverse

Some people lose their ability to compensate over time which is why he may only be showing signs now

And also - if you are doing everything because you feel you "have" to ... he will never figure out how to. Just let him be in charge for a while and see what happens

Wait till he gas an affair because he's not getting enough attention...
Nearly 2 years on with the same husband. Im now in a strictly 50/50 relationship. Tuns out he can cook, clean, & treat me well.

You say he tries hard, yet you also indicate you’re doing everything – which is it? What does he take on? Or do you just not like the way he takes it on as feel as though you have to step in?

If he didn’t used to be this way, then maybe his reticence and hesitation has gradually occurred from you taking on the ‘alpha’ role. How do you do so? Do you react with exasperation and as though he isn’t doing things fast enough or well enough? Do you insist on stepping in or him hurrying up or are you outwardly critical of the dithering? Could he be anxious about this and therefore his confidence has diminished?

It sounds like if you asked him to leave, it wouldn’t make much difference to anything, and you wouldn’t have to look at his dopey, immature face. He sounds like an extra teenager you have to look after. No thank you.

@Didimum I recognise myself in your post yet my DH does struggle to achieve tasks effectively and therefore I can’t fully hand off the mental load. I try not to sweat the small stuff but it’s humiliating that he forgets that a kids party needs a present to be bought and drops our kid off without anything.

The legal and financial stuff we’re doing at the moment is the worst. Some tasks just can’t be half-assed. His slack paperwork has caused us real problems in the past. I feel in a similar situation to the OP. But also trying not be a dick myself.

I guess I’m asking if it’s possible to come from a place of non-judgement when the pattern is always so similar and at times creates chaos.

Was he always like this?

Did you become the "expert" in everything, so he stepped back when you corrected him?

Did something happen that triggered his behaviour?

Is he driving around the car park twice because he's incapable of reverse parking or is he looking for a few empty spaces so he can park without having someone next to him so he has more room to open doors/avoid people banging their doors I to your car?

This is how I felt a couple of years ago with DH, including the not locking the door at night and, I guess, just expecting me to. A low point was me putting a toilet roll in all 3 bathrooms, as it had all gone, and then immediately going around and removing them again whilst saying out loud "Fucking arrogant wanker, thinking he can leave this to me and not even having the fucking initiative to put fucking toilet rolls out".
We don't have kids though.
He left everything to me. I've also always been the higher earner, so felt like I was carrying him through life. He had a lazy, home based desk job, where he only had to do a few hours work a day, for low pay, and didn't progress at all for over a decade.
After a million conversations about the mental load, I laid my cards on the table and told him I was looking at flats to rent as I was done.
Over the weeks and months that followed, he had something of a mini breakdown, blew up his job, retrained into a trade where he now works 10 hour days in all weathers, earning good money. He's never going to be one step ahead on everything like I am, but he now has the fear of God in him that, if he doesn't get a decent share of chores done each week, it's over. As we speak, he's ordering an online food shop, which I can't be bothered to do, and he's planned out all of our meals for the week. He's like a different man.
I think he has ADHD. I've known him 20 years and he is not strategically incompetent. If I ask him what jobs need to be done to keep on top of a home, he can't answer. I think he sees a total scramble in his brain.
Anyway, I wanted to share that it doesn't need to end in divorce, but only if you have a fundamentally decent partner who wants to change.

We don’t have kids and I get annoyed always carrying the mental load. OH does loads of stuff round the house but the thinking, planning, managing, talking to tradespeople, suppliers, planning family get togethers, planning out the year etc etc is done by me and it annoys me because if I don’t think about it it doesn’t get thought about at all. I worry I will drop the ball or forget something and no one else will think about it.

But then the other day we got some plasterboard delivered and it was so heavy I could barely help him carry it but he lifted the whole thing up and carried it to the garage with no sweat. And then I realised we have strengths in different areas.

I totally understand your annoyance but it may help to think about the strengths he has that you don’t have or the things you couldn’t possibly do without him?

Has everyone always danced around him, allowing him to not do anything? Or has he gradually dropped back to let you do things. I for a while stopped cleaning around the house as whatever I did it wasn't right according to my my wife*... when she realised I had she, rightly,complained opening up the chance for a discussion as to different styles to achieve the same end.

*To clarify, if she comes across a mess or perhaps slops some food on the counter when dishing up she stops what she is doing to tidy. I finish what I am doing and go back

It’s very difficult to let someone fail and feel the full consequences of their inaction – especially when it also has repercussions for you. But if they don’t live the experience – repeatedly – and they always have you as a fall back, then they will never improve.

It’s also very difficult to understand or even believe – if they had a job and their manager told them to learn x,y and z tasks for their professional growth and promotion, you can bet your arse they’d do it.

I’m not sure in your case you should be non-judgemental. In the OP’s it’s unclear if her DH simply dithers a lot, takes more time than she’d like and isn’t ‘alpha’ – that’s not necessarily incompetence.

Sounds as if your DH just allows himself the luxury of knowing you’ll do it for him.

Thanks everyone. I've read through all the comments and it's been very helpful. Also reassuring to hear from others who feel similar.

So I think he is neurodiverse. Definitely ADHD. He's in the process of getting tested and this will help I think. And that maybe was better at masking when we were younger.

He's obsessed with his work (despite not getting any promotion or moving up within the company). He will ignore everything else to focus on work. I've never seen anyone work such long hours. And he talks about it constantly. I have to ask him to stop.

We spoke this morning about it and I think he has taken it on board a bit? Probably not for long though..

He even forgets to feed the children! I told him that if that was me sat there on my laptop, forgetting about dinner, I would be rightly seen as a terrible mum. Yet somehow it's ok for him??

(I got home at 8.30 and then made the dinner. Kids are older now so they had snacks etc)

Valentine's Day, I arranged everything, booked the table for dinner etc. I knew he wouldn't think of it. I asked him to book a babysitter.. you can imagine how that went.. it didn't happen.

It does also seem like anxiety too and a lack of confidence and I'm trying to be supportive- and to build him up, but sometimes I do say.. 'you're the man.. try to be one'

I hate myself for this and I know it's wrong. I get so frustrated with him sometimes.

His father belittled him also and probably caused this damage. In the past he didn't seem as bad.. I have three kids I'm trying to build up also and it's hard to stay patient and encouraging. I don't like the person that I am when I make these comments.

He also has been constantly interrupting me. For example, he'll ask how my day went and then finish what I was saying, trying to pre-empt what I was saying, incorrectly too, or change the subject.. inevitably he will then start talking.. and talking..

It means as well that I'm a lot less likely to want to engage in conversation with him. I'd rather call a friend instead if I have something funny that happened etc. He didn't used to be as bad as this..

I have mentioned it and asked him to stop and he tries for a while and then forgets.

It's like he is constantly anxious, depressed maybe (won't see a doctor, won't do therapy) and struggling.

Ask yourself this:

If he gets tested and refuses medication - can you continue to live like this?
If he gets tested and the medication doesn't help - can you continue to live like this?

A diagnosis of anything - ADHD, depression, anxiety, life changing illness such as autoimmune - does not mean you have to stay. If nothing really changes can you live like this for another twenty years?

If you can't then you can't. If you want to give yourself a deadline and stay for another two years until diagnoses/medication then do so. Make plans A, B, C, D and give yourself options and deadlines. Planning is doing something, just existing without doing anything (which you are doing now) is the draining, soul crushing part imo.

@Whatiswrongwithme1234 A few years ago, I could have written this. I had multiple conversations, and it affected my mental health too in the end, i was so worn out, and so I left. He was very shocked, but I had discussed how lonely I felt a hundred plus times.

We are now divorced (which I helped him weekly with the paperwork to divorce me), and I am single and so much more content.

I just couldn't do it anymore. He refused assessments and support / go Dr's etc.

He still regularly frustrates me in relation to the children, I didn't leave or consider leaving until I knew they would be OK to be left with him, which, in my opinion, speaks volumes.

Prior to leaving when the kids were younger. He lost them a couple of times, forgot to feed them (remembered to feed himself). If I had a rare lie in he would cook himself a breakfast and make the children wait for theirs, it wouldn't cross his mind they needed that care.

I completely hear where you are coming from