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Original poster

Married, Senior Colleague Giving Mixed Signals—Why the Mind Games?

19 replies

Shy98 · 14/02/2025 23:57

I am happily married and work closely with a senior colleague who’s married with kids and well-respected at work. For a long time, he’s been coming to my desk a lot, showering me with attention—compliments, personal stories, and emotional support. He even makes comments about my mood, saying things like he wanted to share something to make me smile.

He’s also shared personal things about his life that leave me speechless. I don’t feed his ego, but he seems to get a kick out of it.

The problem is, he’s intelligent and observant. When he talks to me at work, he only focuses on me and ignores others. He listens so carefully, remembers things I said ages ago, and then knows exactly how to give validating compliments. It throws me off because it feels like he knows me so well, which is honestly kind of scary.

I’ve been reducing my contact with him as much as possible and try not to make myself too available, but then he’ll come over all happy, kind, and looking sincere, and I start doubting myself—maybe he’s just a bit socially awkward? Then, out of nowhere, he flips it and acts weird or distant, and I’m back to being confused.

I don’t see him behaving like this with anyone else, and after so much time caught up in this crazy cycle, I’m honestly thinking about finding a new job to get myself out of it. I’ve even mentioned how confusing his behavior is, and he was shocked, claiming it’s not true. We work closely together, so I can’t avoid him.

Is he just socially odd, or is he playing some kind of mind game with me? Any advice is welcome—how do you handle this kind of confusing dynamic at work?

OP posts:
LoveItaly · 15/02/2025 00:14

It sounds like a mind game to me, and a very tiresome one at that. In your position I would look for another job (not that you should have to), as proving to anyone else that he is behaving in this unprofessional way would be very difficult.

MarkingBad · 15/02/2025 00:18

how do you handle this kind of confusing dynamic at work?

I ignore it and get on with the job. Nothing else you can do.

Other than feeling confused, are you worried he may do something or say somethng?

MuddyPawsIndoors · 15/02/2025 00:21

Sounds pretty clear he's got a crush on you.

Just don't entertain him anymore.

Original poster
Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:21

LoveItaly · 15/02/2025 00:14

It sounds like a mind game to me, and a very tiresome one at that. In your position I would look for another job (not that you should have to), as proving to anyone else that he is behaving in this unprofessional way would be very difficult.

Yes, he’s very clever not to write anything in emails, etc., and as you say, I have nothing on him. But people at work have noticed, and I got a couple of comments from other senior people who sit very far from me, saying, " Oh, he’s very close to you.” I just don’t need any drama, but he’s hell-bent on acting odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:26

MarkingBad · 15/02/2025 00:18

how do you handle this kind of confusing dynamic at work?

I ignore it and get on with the job. Nothing else you can do.

Other than feeling confused, are you worried he may do something or say somethng?

Thank you. I do that and try to actively avoid him, and that works until I have to speak to him. Then he’s all so nice and kind and goes out of his way to be helpful, and it makes me think—oh, I am making it up?! He says some pretty out there things, like something so deeply personal that I would only ever share it with a close friend, and I think, where did this come from?!

OP posts:
PensionMention · 15/02/2025 00:32

Let me guess he is late forties and your about a decade younger, am I right ?

Just ignore the attention seeking twat and keep it professional and make sure you are never alone with him.

LoveItaly · 15/02/2025 00:34

@MuddyPawsIndoors it doesn’t sound like a crush to me, it’s a power game I think. Trying to get the OP interested in him and then pulling back to confuse her (not that she is interested, just being polite). This is tricky situation given she has to work with him and can’t easily avoid him. If the OP feels able to she should just avoid any non work talk with him, but this is easier said than done.

MarkingBad · 15/02/2025 00:37

Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:26

Thank you. I do that and try to actively avoid him, and that works until I have to speak to him. Then he’s all so nice and kind and goes out of his way to be helpful, and it makes me think—oh, I am making it up?! He says some pretty out there things, like something so deeply personal that I would only ever share it with a close friend, and I think, where did this come from?!

Show quote history

I worked in male dominated industries mostly, still do on occasion and there have been times when I have felt the need to tell a colleague, sometimes manager that "I don't need to know that" and carried on with my work. I say it quietly and seriously but never make a fuss.

It sounds like he has been pushing your boundaries to see how far you will listen to him. Do you ever set boundaries on what is an isn't innappropriate or do you feel you can't? It's not always easy to do and I'm aware I'm a lot more confident in telling anyone I don't want that level of attention than most. I've even had other colleagues come over and ask me to help them with their issues with oversharing men. They do this for all sorts of reasons, it could easily be power play just to see where he can get you dangling and on what level.

I think you are right in backing off, if you do share anything personal with him or make comments on his personal revelations, stop now. It's awkward but he needs to learn you don't want that level of sharing, it can lead to some very awkward situations.

I'd be looking for another position even if it's in the same company but out of his team. Any chance to be seconded to another project for the time being?

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 00:37

Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:26

Thank you. I do that and try to actively avoid him, and that works until I have to speak to him. Then he’s all so nice and kind and goes out of his way to be helpful, and it makes me think—oh, I am making it up?! He says some pretty out there things, like something so deeply personal that I would only ever share it with a close friend, and I think, where did this come from?!

Show quote history

I think you’re giving this way too much headspace. I mean, so what if you’re misinterpreting him? Just be ordinarily civil/friendly as you would to any colleague, whether he’s blowing hot or cold, and concentrate on your work. Could be he’s getting something from your interaction, could be he’s a weirdly blurty individual with a habit of taking colleagues into his confidence, could be conscious mind games. But unless you’re actually falling for him, there’s no need to give it any analysis. Just think ‘There’s Nigel being Nigel’.

Original poster
Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:39

PensionMention · 15/02/2025 00:32

Let me guess he is late forties and your about a decade younger, am I right ?

Just ignore the attention seeking twat and keep it professional and make sure you are never alone with him.

Yep. Mid fifties and yep, I am 10 years younger but only slightly junior so it’s equally perplexing that he’s engaging in this behaviour with someone close to his rank.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:43

LoveItaly · 15/02/2025 00:34

@MuddyPawsIndoors it doesn’t sound like a crush to me, it’s a power game I think. Trying to get the OP interested in him and then pulling back to confuse her (not that she is interested, just being polite). This is tricky situation given she has to work with him and can’t easily avoid him. If the OP feels able to she should just avoid any non work talk with him, but this is easier said than done.

Yes, exactly that.

OP posts:
PensionMention · 15/02/2025 00:49

He either want to have sex with you or he feels wary of an up and coming and wants to keep you on your toes to unnerve you or possibly both. I can give the most dismissive look known to mankind, it’s very useful.

Original poster
Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:50

MarkingBad · 15/02/2025 00:37

I worked in male dominated industries mostly, still do on occasion and there have been times when I have felt the need to tell a colleague, sometimes manager that "I don't need to know that" and carried on with my work. I say it quietly and seriously but never make a fuss.

It sounds like he has been pushing your boundaries to see how far you will listen to him. Do you ever set boundaries on what is an isn't innappropriate or do you feel you can't? It's not always easy to do and I'm aware I'm a lot more confident in telling anyone I don't want that level of attention than most. I've even had other colleagues come over and ask me to help them with their issues with oversharing men. They do this for all sorts of reasons, it could easily be power play just to see where he can get you dangling and on what level.

I think you are right in backing off, if you do share anything personal with him or make comments on his personal revelations, stop now. It's awkward but he needs to learn you don't want that level of sharing, it can lead to some very awkward situations.

I'd be looking for another position even if it's in the same company but out of his team. Any chance to be seconded to another project for the time being?

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you for the comment on boundaries. I can’t say—I don’t want to know—but I can say nothing or change the subject.
Unfortunately, I am being promoted (if you could say that) to his level in his department (I am looking to leave my place of work, and this new position is a great stepping stone). Still, I am nervous now as we will be peers in the same department, managing teams and will have to speak more. I am already dialling back any unnecessary conversation, and I will ask to sit by our boss strategically so he won’t be able to come over to talk to me often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:52

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 00:37

I think you’re giving this way too much headspace. I mean, so what if you’re misinterpreting him? Just be ordinarily civil/friendly as you would to any colleague, whether he’s blowing hot or cold, and concentrate on your work. Could be he’s getting something from your interaction, could be he’s a weirdly blurty individual with a habit of taking colleagues into his confidence, could be conscious mind games. But unless you’re actually falling for him, there’s no need to give it any analysis. Just think ‘There’s Nigel being Nigel’.

Show quote history

That's equally true and I am annoyed with myself for dedicating any of my headspace to this shitshow.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 15/02/2025 00:53

I don't understand why you haven't told him he's being inappropriate if he's talking to you about very personal things? I would keep your interactions to being about work only and if he brings anything else up, brush him off or walk away. If he persists, tell him he's being inappropriate. I suspect once he realises you're not interested he'll back off. You can always make a complaint about him if he's getting too personal and making you uncomfortable.

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 01:03

Shy98 · 15/02/2025 00:52

That's equally true and I am annoyed with myself for dedicating any of my headspace to this shitshow.

Show quote history

Well, resolve to stop giving it any. Behave with the same mild civility whether he’s telling you about the fact that he just traced his birth mother or about an Excel spreadsheet or the agenda for the next meeting. Recognise that his shit is his shit, and nothing to do with you. You want the promotion to help your next step — keep your eye on the prize.

MissTrip82 · 15/02/2025 01:08

I have said ‘that’s none of my business’ before when men have shared things (usually complaints about their wives) bc so often it’s been a clear attempt to start the narrative of an unhappy marriage or a ‘special connection’.

I got burned when I was young and single and for some men it’s continued even though I’m in my 40s and married. Very tedious.

litup · 15/02/2025 11:54

It's just bog-standard older man being a creep at work.
You are a captive (trapped) audience so he thinks that gives him carte blanche.

Honestly just minimise the attention you give him, make sure he doesn't monopolise your time.

Tread carefully, depending on your workplace and how many other younger women he's done this to, you might be viewed as the problem not him. So stamp this out before you lose reputation at work, but not in a way which angers him and makes him take revenge. It's a mine field!

borntobequiet · 15/02/2025 11:57

He says some pretty out there things, like something so deeply personal that I would only ever share it with a close friend, and I think, where did this come from?!

Tell him it’s inappropriate to share such stuff and to stop it.

You’re enabling it.

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