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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

24 years and can’t say say what he likes about me

17 replies

RoloChocoloco · 14/02/2025 22:41

I’ve got a bit shitty this evening because my husband of 24 years can’t name one specific thing he loves or even likes about me.
He says ‘he loves me because I’m me’ or everything
Generally we have a lovely relationship but this really threw me off.

I don’t doubt his feelings for me but I feel that it’s more habit than a deep understanding of me as a person - sorry a little deep ( a few wines in )

Suck it up, think your self lucky you’ve got a decent, loyal man who loves you

or

You’re right to feel a bit invalidated and quite honestly you could be anyone who loves him back

OP posts:
stonebrambleboy · 15/02/2025 01:19

You've got a 'decent loyal man who loves you', what more do you want?

JMSA · 15/02/2025 01:28

I can totally understand what you mean and how you feel, BUT, is it possible he finds it hard to think of things when put on the spot?

Alalalala · 15/02/2025 01:31

Is he generally useless with words/expressing himself?

It wouldn’t kill him to talk about your quick wit/compassionate nature/amazing resilience or whatever. It’s not that hard to summon up a compliment.

BlondiePortz · 15/02/2025 01:47

I love my long time husband because he is him i wouldn't be able to name one thing though and wouldn't expect him to name one thing about me

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2025 01:53

Were you both “a few wines in” when you asked? That’s not necessarily the best time to be having conversations where you ask for specifics. I can think of many reasons I love DH, but they’d probably sound a bit weird if I had to enunciate them whilst drunk.

Otherwise, no, it isn’t unreasonable to expect that somebody who loves you should be able to put into some words what they like and love about you. But is the fact that you’re asking in the first place symbolic of fairly poor communication between you regardless of thinking you have a “lovely relationship.”?

lnks · 15/02/2025 02:12

OP, I think my husband is the best human in the world. But if he asked me to articulate why I genuinely couldn’t pick out individual reasons.

Original poster
RoloChocoloco · 15/02/2025 10:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes, we were both a few wines in and in hindsight I put him on the spot.
I find it easier to articulate my feelings than he does especially when he’s had a drink.
He woke me up this morning listing the things he loves about me.
I know I’ve got a good one - just wine and hormones can cloud that sometimes 😩
That was my first AIBU post from being a long time lurker - thanks for going easy on me 💐

OP posts:
Upstartled · 15/02/2025 10:14

I mean, has he ever been big into long flowy prose about all your many attributes? Maybe his love for you cannot be whittled down to a few highlights?

Original poster
RoloChocoloco · 15/02/2025 10:44

Upstartled · 15/02/2025 10:14

I mean, has he ever been big into long flowy prose about all your many attributes? Maybe his love for you cannot be whittled down to a few highlights?

I’ll take this 😂

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/02/2025 10:59

What would you have said though if he had listed a few things. Say he said I love the fact you are so thoughtful, so hard working, great at keeping house plants alive or whatever. Would you have then thought he didn't mention my hair he doesn't like it or he must hate my cooking as he didn't say anything about that.?

CookieCrumbles23 · 15/02/2025 11:00

RoloChocoloco · 15/02/2025 10:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes, we were both a few wines in and in hindsight I put him on the spot.
I find it easier to articulate my feelings than he does especially when he’s had a drink.
He woke me up this morning listing the things he loves about me.
I know I’ve got a good one - just wine and hormones can cloud that sometimes 😩
That was my first AIBU post from being a long time lurker - thanks for going easy on me 💐

Bless him! Wine heightens every emotion, OP, we’ve all been there. It’s great you’ve reflected on your reaction and actually it’s even sweeter that he sat and thought about it instead of answering for the sake of it. Did you give a list back of things you love about him?

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 11:02

You’ve put him on the spot. I could love somebody to death but not know what to say when asked why.

JudgeBread · 15/02/2025 11:02

I know why I love my husband, but if he put me on the spot and asked me when I was a few wines in the answer might be "you have immaculate eyebrows".

Some people are good at waxing romantic, some aren't. After 24 years do you really not know which camp he falls into?

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2025 11:06

Maybe he forgot! If he's not the most verbose type who loves language and using descriptive words his mind could have gone blank. Loving someone for being themselves is pretty cute.

Original poster
RoloChocoloco · 15/02/2025 11:12

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/02/2025 10:59

What would you have said though if he had listed a few things. Say he said I love the fact you are so thoughtful, so hard working, great at keeping house plants alive or whatever. Would you have then thought he didn't mention my hair he doesn't like it or he must hate my cooking as he didn't say anything about that.?

No, absolutely not. The bar was set low at just one thing 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
RoloChocoloco · 15/02/2025 11:21

Yes, I gave him a list of all the things I love about him.

He did say his mind went blank.

OP posts:
BatchCookBabe · 15/02/2025 11:24

YABU. My DH used to ask this of me. He would grab me for a 'hug,' look into my eyes, and say 'I love you.....' I would day 'yeah I love you too.' Then he would say 'what do you love about me, why do you love me?' Grin And then grin at me like a simpleton waiting for a response. I'd be like 'errrr, well it's hard to say.....' I mean how the fuck do I answer that?

I was stumped and gobsmacked and didn't know how to react to be honest. I couldn't say without sounding like a wet and soppy moron. So I just said 'oh for fuck's sake, why do you have to ask that?!' He'd be like Sad I grew up with a mother with little emotion, and received very little love, and received basic care, and I have a brother who has always been hugely favoured over and above me.

So I struggle to show affection and 'soppiness' and hate being fussed over or complimented. So him saying 'why do you love me?' and 'what do you love about me?' just made me cringe, and roll my eyes. 🙄

I have no problem showering my DC with love and affection though, OR my cat. Just can't do it with anyone else, not even DH. I show him in many ways that I love him, and I do, but I can't be 'soppy,' and him asking 'why do you love me, go on tell me tell me!' just makes me cringe inside. 😖

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