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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he just using me for sex or getting back at me for not wanting something serious with him at the time.

25 replies

Bluejeansrose78 · 14/02/2025 22:29

I recently had a brief summer fling with a a guy I used to work with, I only wanted something casual as I was going back to Uni (post grad studies) so didn't want anything long term as i wanted to focus on uni. When I left to go back he would triple message me all the time saying he missed me, how much he loved me etc and that he had always been in love with me. He also said he was buying a house and he would buy a bigger one so we could move in together, but I kept saying I couldnt do a long distance relationship right now and wanted to focus on me/uni.
I did reallly like him but just felt like i wasn't in the best place for anything and asked for a bit if space

When stopped speaking for a bit until Christmas time, until recently when we were at a mutal friends party. We have hooked up a few times and i’ve noticed a massive difference, whereas before we would cuddle after sex, chill out a bit he has stopped doing that. He got rid of me pretty quickly one night
Also, we were walking past the pub he works at and he made be walk a few paces behind him, he said he didn't anyone from the pub to see us as he said they all like to gossip. I thought he was jokin, but when I dropped something out my bag and stopped he pick it up he and already walked off and left me.

he still texts me all the time and we do keep hooking up. i do have feelings, but am not sure what caused the change of behaviour from him

OP posts:
Bubblegumtatoos · 14/02/2025 22:32

He has other FWB’s on the go.

sometimesmovingforwards · 14/02/2025 22:33

You’re using each for sex, why are you getting confused?

Wonderberry · 14/02/2025 22:34

If you want to keep it casual, then why are you getting upset that he wants the same?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/02/2025 22:34

He's punishing you girl, sorry x

What an arse

Edit - i say arse because he doesn't sound like he's being respectful and just wants to be fwb

Making you walk behind him and kicking you out of bed is a punishment

User0103 · 14/02/2025 22:35

People have complex feelings and trying to make into a one dimensional either/or is pathetic.

You like him well enough to be fucking him, but not enough for the effort of a relationship.

He likes you well enough, but less than before and not enough to be seen with you.

Strawberryfruitcorner · 14/02/2025 22:37

But aren’t you using him for sex?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/02/2025 22:37

He has another FWB or a new girlfriend.

Probably someone from the bar he works in.

You're now his secret.

ItGhoul · 14/02/2025 22:38

You made it clear that you didn’t want anything serious. I’d say he’s delivering what you gave him the impression you wanted, ie no-strings sex. Why would he want to act like a boyfriend towards you when you told him you didn’t want a boyfriend?

ItGhoul · 14/02/2025 22:39

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/02/2025 22:34

He's punishing you girl, sorry x

What an arse

Edit - i say arse because he doesn't sound like he's being respectful and just wants to be fwb

Making you walk behind him and kicking you out of bed is a punishment

Edited

But FWB is what the OP told him she wanted! She told him she didn’t want a relationship.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 14/02/2025 22:41

He is a love bomber. He put you on a pedestal and then when you didn't do as he wanted he is withdrawing the dazzling charm from before.

He definitely has someone else in his sights that he is probably love bombing right now... You are being used as easy sex

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 14/02/2025 22:53

ItGhoul · 14/02/2025 22:39

But FWB is what the OP told him she wanted! She told him she didn’t want a relationship.

Show quote history

If he was simply doing the fwb thing, he wouldn't be being disrespectful about it 😬

Like telling her to walk behind him is rude

yeesh · 14/02/2025 23:08

Probably the classic ‘hard to get’, before he was chasing you and you weren’t interested. Now however you’re chasing him & letting him treat you like shit so he doesn’t respect you. Don’t let a man kick you out of bed & walk behind him, you deserve so much more

litup · 14/02/2025 23:19

Anyone who has a summer fling with someone and then declares their undying love and wanting to buy a bigger house so they can move in is clearly nuts or a love bomber.

(I know there will be the odd few MNs out of the thousands who read this who did settle down with their summer fling and lived happily ever after, but can we agree this is unlikely?)

He has got you where he probably was aiming to get you, a nice bit of company and a nice shag absolutely no strings or obligations.
So he doesn't have to pretend about the house and the love etc.
If you want a nice bit of company and a nice shag no strings or obligations then this is working well for both of you.

Which begs the question why are you asking?
Because if you thought he cared, I really think he didn't, sorry because it's ego-bruising.

I'm not sure I'd want to be 'f'wb with a guy who didn't own it, and wouldn't walk into a pub with me. That would make me feel incredibly disrespected and I wouldn't be back for more.
There are guys who don't act like dick heads, find one of those, even if it's just for fun, it should be fun and he shouldn't be ashamed of you.

SALaw · 14/02/2025 23:28

I don't get people that think he's the only dickhead here. You explicitly don't want a relationship with the guy but you want him to

SALaw · 14/02/2025 23:29

That sent too soon and I don't know how to edit it or delete! You want him to act like he wants a relationship but you don't want a relationship. I can't understand him holding you at arms length compared to before. Maybe he was really hurt?!

SALaw · 14/02/2025 23:30

I'm not doing well with typing! I CAN understand him holding you at arms length

Poppyseeds79 · 15/02/2025 00:10

Umm, you caused the change OP 🫠

You told him what you want/or don't want. So he's giving you exactly that.

Devianinc · 15/02/2025 00:26

Well, he used to like you but he’s found someone else and being a typical man he figures why not have them both. Except you’re a secret now so that makes it that much more exciting for him. Getting caught. He’s simpleton. Don’t go near him again. Ewwww

discdiscsnap · 15/02/2025 00:42

Either he's seeing someone else or he's treating you poorly because he's unhappy with the situation and this is his way of punishing you/protecting him self

KrisAkabusi · 15/02/2025 01:11

You told him you didn't want a relationship, now you're complaining that he's treating you like you're not in a relationship. The guy can't win!

JMSA · 15/02/2025 01:19

I think he was trying to match your energy, but just ended up coming across as a bit of a dick (which you haven't been at all, OP).
He doesn't have the emotional intelligence to talk to you about it.

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2025 03:23

We have hooked up a few times and i’ve noticed a massive difference, whereas before we would cuddle after sex, chill out a bit he has stopped doing that

The massive difference has occurred because you told him you don’t want anything serious and effectively just want to use him for sex. So no more snuggle times for you in a scenario where he’s trying to emotionally detach.

The walking five paces behind you is another matter. Maybe just don’t have sex with someone you know has deeper feelings for you and wants a relationship where you don’t.

BlondiePortz · 15/02/2025 03:56

So you are using each other? Why is what he doing anything different?

You can closely control yourself and your own decisions

TheGoogleMum · 15/02/2025 07:45

You don't have to keep sleeping with him if you don't like the way he's treating you. I think he's trying to distance himself a bit as you made it clear you don't want a relationship, but he does still want the sex

Klovos · 15/02/2025 10:51

You were downgraded to tier 2 supplier, same way he was treated back then.

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